Olivia: Fred! We have to leave, why are you stalling?
Fred: Is it that hard to tell? I do not want to go!
Olivia: Why not?
Fred: Your family -
Olivia: They’re not that bad!
Fred: They don’t make me feel welcome. I’m still an outsider. And two weeks in a castle with them isn’t ideal. Some go out of their way to show kindness, like Claire. Then there’s Selina.
Olivia: Selina is basically Satan, I get it, but she’s easily ignored. The rest of the family loves you. Likes you, we’ll go with that. Plus, it’s the baby’s first time visiting Scotland!
Fred: You think she’ll be able to tell?
Olivia: I still remember my first trip to Scotland!
Fred: How old were you?
Olivia: Six.
Fred: See how that’s a bit different than seven months?
Olivia: Stop giving me a hard time. I’m trying to be positive! These trips are one of the few things that still bring mum joy at her old age. The last time we went to Balmoral, I think I even heard her say a contraction! That’s how you know she’s really letting loose!
Fred: Could you help me throw a few things together in my suitcase?
Olivia: You haven’t packed yet?
Fred: I told you I didn’t want to go!
Olivia: I believe you the first time, you did’t have to work overtime to prove it!
Fred: I don’t take long to pack.
Olivia: We’ll be away for three weeks, dear.
Fred: They have a washing machine there, no?
Olivia: Yes, of course. We’re the Royal Family, not the Ingalls.
Fred: Then we’re fine!
Olivia: It’s so unlike you to behave like this, I’m disappointed. This is more something Gigi would do.
Fred: Well… how do you know Gigi didn’t?
Olivia: Because she’s already left for the airport!
Fred: What proof do we have of that?
Olivia: She sent me a text!
Fred: And you believe her?
Olivia: Just hurry up before they fly out without us.
Fred: I would love it if they did that! Then I could stay home!
Olivia: No, then we’ll be flying AirScotland or whatever airline flies to Aberdeen, and I don’t want to get a lecture from my mother about the dangers of commercial flight.
Fred: She’s afraid of flying commercial?
Olivia: She thinks it’s a security risk. She’s lived a very privileged life.
Fred: The former Queen has lived a privileged life? Hard to believe.
A bit later…
Eleanor: Dearie, you are late!
Arthur: You should’ve heard mum cursing you out!
Christine: I’d never do that!
Claire: Oh, you would.
Christine: Don’t you have menopause to be dealing with?
Claire: I don’t appreciate that jab.
Christine: And I don’t appreciate you calling me out.
Claire: Your son did it first!
Claude: Everyone, get on the plane, we can argue on there.
Olivia: Damn, I forgot Selina was going to be on the plane. I don’t want opt be stuck on a plane with her.
Claude: I thought you two put your differences aside.
Ethan: Eh…
Gigi: Mum, get on here! I have to catch you up on what Warren’s been up to!
Mandy: Who is Warren?
Gigi: My husband, Mandy! You sat next to him on the - never mind ,you’re going to forget this conversation in ten minutes.
Mandy: What conversation?
Claire: Why do we not put her in some sort of memory care facility?
Eleanor: That would be a stain on our family.
Claire: How so? You’re afraid to admit anyone with royal blood is mortal and susceptible to physical or cognitive decline?
Eleanor: We do not abandon our family.
Fred: I would beg to dif-
Olivia: Fred! Zip it!
Fred: So, Scotland! Very exciting!
Christine: We go every year. This is as unexciting as vacation gets.
Arthur: That’s not fair, mum! We have fun at Balmoral!
Christine: But it’s predictable.
Arthur: Would you like us to buy a new castle?
Christine: I’m open to it.
Anthony: I’m thinking perhaps in the Virgin Islands?
Claude: I don’t do the tropics.
Anthony: Of course not!
Christine: Could everyone consider getting on the plane?
Midge: I’ve arrived!
Christine: My god, I forgot you were on the payroll!
Midge: I was at rehab!
Olivia: Oh my god, Midge! I didn’t realize you were invited. Nor did I realize you were out of rehab!
Midge: Darling, how have you managed without me?
Olivia: Fine, actually. We even went to Australia, me and Ethan and Fred and… Elphaba.
Claude: You’ve made it just in time, Midge. You weren’t invited, I just informed you of our pending absence, but I’m glad to see you take it upon yourself to crash the family vacation.
Midge: I miss my friend Olivia, I couldn’t wait three more weeks to catch up!
Eleanor: Wait a minute… what do you mean “rehab?” Physical rehabilitation, correct?
Midge: We’ll go with that!
Later, at Balmoral…
Christine: Olivia, thank you for not bringing Meredith along. One, we wouldn’t have a room for her with Midge tagging along. Two, she’s the single most annoying person on earth.
Norah: I heard that!
Christine: I am okay with that.
Olivia: Norah, how did you explain you’d be away for a few weeks with your newborn?
Norah: Oh, I just told mum I was going to the store. She didn’t ask questions.
Olivia: For three weeks?
Norah: Look… I don’t want to mock my mother. I know it’s very easy to do so. She’s absent-minded, but I love her.
Christine: Yes, so do I.
Norah: You don’t have to lie.
Christine: I wasn’t lying. I was being sarcastic!
Eleanor: Frederick! Where were you?
Fred: Oh, in town. Went to grab a bite to eat while you all settled in, I get swept up. I was at the pub! I don’t think I ever interacted with civilization during any of our other trips here, it was quite something. I learned to play the bagpipes!
Claude: No wonder you were gone so long. It is a very complex instrument.
Christine: Don’t call it an instrument.
Eleanor: I, for one, am glad to see Frederick having fun here. He always seems so depressed on vacation!
Gigi: Most people are depressed when they have to spend time locked in a house with maniacs. I know Warren detested his time on Celebrity Big Brother.
Eleanor: There are no maniacs here!
Mandy: Look, I can fly!
Eleanor: Perhaps there is one.
The next morning…
Olivia: My god, what is that awful sound?
Selina: Olivia!
Olivia: There it is.
Selina: Open up this instant!
Olivia: Is there a reason I’m being woken by a banshee this morning whilst on vacation?
Selina: Your husband.
Olivia: Yes, I am indeed married.
Selina: He’s outside, playing the bagpipes. At eight in the morning!
Olivia: Well, when in Rome.
Selina: This can’t happen.
Olivia: Take is up with him!
Selina: You mean to tell me you’re fine with him bothering everyone with his “music” while we’re supposed to be relaxing? You did’t hear it at all?
Olivia: I heard it. I expect to hear it, we’re in Scotland.
Selina: I don’t! I’ve never heard it before in the morning when I’m trying to sleep?!
Olivia: You really ought to be awake by now, anyway.
Selina: You weren’t!
Eleanor: Ladies, what are you two bickering about in the morning?
Selina: Fred is playing bagpipes!
Eleanor: I can’t hear that. I don’t have my hearing aids in.
Claire: You wear hearing aids? Is that not a stain on the family?
Eleanor: Shut up, dear.
Later that morning…
Olivia: Fred.
Fred: Yes?
Olivia: We have to talk about your concert earlier this morning.
Fred: You heard that? Did you enjoy it?
Olivia: I think you might be the one person on earth to ever enjoy the sound of bagpipes.
Fred: That is not true!
Olivia: Anyway, you have to knock it off. I’m sorry, but my sister-in-law is the spawn of Satan, and I don’t want to have to hear her complaining about it every morning we’re here. Not to mention, I don’t find it terribly pleasant myself.
Fred: I’m just enjoying the culture.
Olivia: Maybe go learn highland dancing, then. We do attend the games every year, you should be familiar.
Fred: I’m not a dancer.
Olivia: Go shear a sheep.
Fred: I do like sheep.
Olivia: We’ve got plenty on the grounds, too! Go make some friends!
Fred: Can I take the bagpipes home and practice there?
Olivia: At the farm, yes. At St. James’s… I don’t know if we need to serenade the city of London.
Fred: I can’t do anything in this family!
Olivia: Honey, I want you to enjoy your trip. I also want to keep my family from wanting to kill you over the next three weeks. You’ve always been on thin ice with them, you know.
Fred: Precisely why I dread this annual trip! Maybe I can go talk to Claire.
Olivia: I don’t know, she’s quite moody right now.
Fred: Of course, the only one in this family that I like has been turned into a demon by menopause!
Olivia: That’s quite rude. You like Ethan!
Fred: True, he’s fine. It’s just… he married that creature.
Olivia: Tell me about it!
Fred: Oh no, it’s coming!
Olivia: Like that’s ever stopped me before.
Later that night…
Eleanor: I am very excited for this meal Frederick is preparing for us.
Midge: I’ll tell you, Liv, I sure envy you for having a man who’ll cook for you.
Gigi: I’m sure you envy her for having a man at all.
Midge: There’s no need to be a bitch about it.
Selina: I’d rather not have a man at all than be stuck with Fred.
Fred: Right back at you!
Eleanor: There is our chef! Thank you for doing this!
Christine: Yes, I really enjoyed a day off from having to… tell the chef what to cook for us.
Claude: It’s hard work for her, truly.
Christine: I run a militant operation.
Claire: I think she was a dictator in another life.
Christine: I like to think so. Vlad the Impaler, perhaps Genghis Khan, maybe Mary I.
Arthur: Are you implying Mary I might be a less distant relative than I suspected?
Christine: I have some of her tendencies.
Todd: No wonder you hate Fred: he’s a Protestant!
Eleanor: We all are, dearest.
Fred: All right, I now present to you an authentic Scottish meal… haggis!
Eleanor: Yummy!
Claire: Oh… no.
Olivia: Dear, when I said to go befriend the sheep… I did not mean like this.
Christine: I don’t think it’s too late to call the chef in, right?
Fred: I think everyone needs to have an open mind! I did, and it’s a delightful treat!
Olivia: And I think we might need to leave the Scottish customs to actual Scottish people. This has been a trying day.
Fred: And the fun will continue!
Olivia: Please, no. I beg of you. I can’t take much more excitement.
What did you think of this week's episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
