Tammi: Kids, it’s time to get off to school.
Alysa: I’m not feeling well.
Teri: You’re not the only one. Think of that sinking feeling in the pit of your mother-in-law’s stomach when she remembers that she’s someone’s mother-in-law.
Alysa: I’m serious, I think I need to just stay home today.
Tammi: You’re an adult, and nearly a parent of your own. I’m not going to push you to go if you don’t feel up to it.
Jerry: Just remember, though, you only get so many sick days.
Teri: Jerry, don’t traumatize the poor girl. Her due date is minutes away. Anything you say could send her into labor.
Ralph: Is that how it works?
Betty: How would she know? She’s never been pregnant and apparently never will be.
Teri: Oh, enough of that.
Jerry: Teri, I think you were the one teasing her first.
Teri: But we have a special bond!
Steven: Anyway, I’m gonna get going. Text me if anything is wrong with you, babe.
Teri: They let you have cell phones in school?
Cindy: It’s an epidemic.
Teri: Aren’t you the principal?
Cindy: The PTA defends their right to have cell phones. I’m powerless here.
Teri: Things sure have changed since I was in school.
Steven: Well that was a long time ago.
Teri: Ouch!
Steven: I didn’t mean it like that.
Teri: It’s how I’ll take it.
Ralph: I would’ve found that so much funnier if I weren’t ten years older than Teri.
Teri: At least I have that.
Later that day…
Danielle: So what’s the game plan for tonight? Anyone have anything in mind to cook? Ralph?
Ralph: I’m not cooking. It’s almost Thanksgiving.
Teri: So you’re just not cooking for another four weeks?
Ralph: Three. I’ll spend the week before Thanksgiving cooking a whole lot. So I need a good sabbatical to prepare me for it.
Teri: Guess it’s three weeks of Kraft mac and cheese until then!
Danielle: I’d rather starve.
Teri: Who will step up to make edible food then?
Danielle: I’m sure your mom will.
Tammi: I can do it. I won’t let this family starve.
Danielle: I love our little unemployed club. We get to just sit around and gossip like the ladies of The View.
Tammi: I’d rather not be compared to them if that’s okay.
Teri: If you can’t see the magic of Whoopi, you’re beyond help.
Alysa: Tammi!
Tammi: What’s wrong? You need an Advil?
Danielle: She’s pregnant, dear.
Tammi: Okay, fine. You need an ice pack?
Alysa: I need some help. Uh… I think my water broke.
Tammi: Okay, time to go to the hospital then.
Alysa: I thought that was the case.
Teri: And yet, here she sits.
Tammi: I’m sorry, this is the first time I’ve ever had to drive my teenage daughter-in-law to the hospital for her to deliver a baby.
Ralph: Not necessarily the last time, though!
Teri: Should I call Steven? He does have a phone in class, as I’ve learned.
Danielle: I guess we should call everyone. They’ll all want to be there for the birth.
Tammi: You guys call. We’re gonna get going to avoid a home birth.
Alysa: I don’t think it’s that close. I’ll be okay.
Tammi: We’re taking no chances! Get in the car!
Alysa: Got it!
Tammi: Teri, call Steven first. Danielle, call Frank first.
Teri: Does she have to? This can be our little secret.
Alysa: I think she’d struggle to keep this a secret.
Teri: We could at least make an effort!
Tammi: After you call them -
Teri: Can he at least wait in the parking lot instead of with the rest of the family?
Tammi: Call the others. Dad’s at the store with grandma and grandpa, so they only need the one phone call. Make sure you also get mom, and… well, I guess that’s it.
Teri: Family’s really thinned out now that Mitchell and Velma are gone. A reasonable eleven people under one roof.
Alysa: And it’s about to be twelve again.
Teri: Damn you kids. It was just starting to get quiet around here again!
Tammi: Oh! Don’t forget to let Zeke know!
Teri: I always forget about him.
Tammi: Yeah, he’s been out of our hair for a while lately. But he needs to be told about this.
Ralph: What about Jeanette and Rick? We bothering them with this or -
Danielle: I guess so.
Teri: All right, so we’re gonna fill that entire hospital waiting room with people and look like total lunatics.
Ralph: There could be five of us there and we’d still look like total maniacs.
Teri: That is true, good point.
A bit later at school, Steven’s phone rings…
Mrs. Mankow (Steven’s teacher): Mr. Howerton, you know your phone is not allowed to be on during school hours, no?
Steven: I’m sorry. My w- Alysa is at home sick and I wanted it on me in case she had an update for me.
Mrs. Mankow: Power it off and hand it over. You’ll get it back at the end of class.
Steven: I need to know if she’s okay!
Mrs. Mankow: Rules are rules, and that phone is interrupting our class.
Steven: For what it’s worth, I think the rest of the class is okay with that!
Mrs. Mankow: Mr. Howerton! Keep talking back you’ll get detention!
Steven: Okay, fine. Can I at least see who the call was from before -
Mrs. Mankow: Hand it over. Now.
Steven: Enjoy!
Mrs. Mankow: Don’t push me. Please.
Steven: I wouldn’t dream of it.
Back at the house…
Teri: Danielle…
Danielle: What? I’m on the phone with Frank.
Teri: Good to hear you’re not busy with anything important. I have a true problem.
Danielle: Make it quick.
Teri: I can’t get ahold of Steven. I’ve tried four times. The first time, it just rang and rang. After that, it went straight to voicemail.
Danielle: Well that isn’t great.
Ralph: We could always go to the school on the way to the hospital and tell him in person.
Teri: Wait, Cindy is the principal. I can just call her and she can tell him!
Ralph: I always forget he goes to the same school she works at.
Teri: I bet he wishes he could forget.
Danielle: I know, Frank. It’s all very exciting. Get to the hospital.
Teri: Or don’t! It’s fine!
Danielle: All right, your mom next.
Ralph: If she gets a call from you, she’s going to assume that Teri is dead. You call Cindy, Teri can call mom.
Teri: That’s a good point. We don’t need her to have a heart attack on the same day Steven and Alysa are having a baby.
Danielle: Works for me!
Danielle calls Cindy.
Cindy: What’s going on? Is something wrong at home?
Danielle: Nothing is wrong. It’s just, um, it’s Alysa’s time.
Cindy: Is she having the baby or dying? That’s a very cryptic way to word that.
Danielle: Having the baby! God, this family jumps to conclusions like no other!
Cindy: You’re the one that said it was “her time.” Obviously, not her time of the month. That happening nine months ago would’ve saved us a lot of trouble.
Danielle: She’s en route to the hospital with Tammi. Steven does not know, Teri couldn’t get ahold of him. Could you tell him?
Cindy: Of course. We both have to get to the hospital A.S.A.P.
Danielle: We’ll see you there, I guess.
Cindy: Thanks for letting me know.
Danielle hangs up.
Teri: No, mom! Alysa is having the b- put dad on the phone.
Danielle: Going well, I see.
Ralph: We probably should’ve called the person who has working ears to begin with.
Danielle: “We?” What have you done?
Ralph: Provided color commentary.
At the school…
Cindy (over the intercom): Would Steven Howerton come to the principal’s office? Steven Howerton to the principal’s office.
Steven: Am I allowed to go?
Mrs. Mankow: Of course. The principal has the authority here, surely this is for an important matter.
Steven: Just making sure.
Steven heads to Cindy’s office.
Steven: Grandma, what’s going on? Why are you packing up your desk?
Cindy: We need to go . Right now.
Steven: Why? Is some thing wrong? Should we not tell all the others?
Cindy: Alysa’s at the hospital.
Steven: Is something wrong?
Cindy: Some would probably say so, but I don’t. She’s in labor.
Steven: Oh my god.
Cindy: Yeah, we’re gonna need his guidance today. Now, let’s get out of here.
At the hospital…
Alysa: Where is Steven? Is he going to make it in time?
Tammi: You’ve got plenty off time, kiddo. You’re nowhere close, which is either good or bad depending on how you take it.
Alysa: I feel like it has to be soon.
Tammi: It might be another twelve hours. At least!
Alysa: No…
Tammi: Did you not pay attention in sex ed?
Alysa: Do you think I’d be in this situation if I did?
Tammi: Good point.
There’s a knock on the door and Teri walks in.
Teri: Hi, I don’t want to intrude.
Alysa: No intrusion here, I appreciate any friendly faces to distract me from the hell I’m enduring.
Teri: I just wanted to say that Cindy and Steven are on their way and most of us are in the waiting room. Everyone but Frank is here by now. Even Jeanette and Rick.
Alysa: You bothered them with this? I really barely know them. They’re very nice, but they don’t need to wait here for me.
Teri: They want to! Kid, they’re broke and old and in a state they haven’t lived in for like sixty years. It’s either this or staying at home watching General Hospital.
Alysa: I’d probably take General Hospital over the actual hospital.
Teri: Old people are strange, Alysa.
Alysa: Yeah, you guys are pretty strange.
Teri: I’m gonna go back out to the waiting room now to avoid any further hurt feelings and egos. I’ll send Steven in when he gets here.
Alysa: I didn’t mean it like that!
Teri: It’s the second time today one of you kids has called me old. It’s become a pattern.
In the waiting room…
Ralph: How much longer is this gonna be? I’m bored.
Jerry: We just got here!
Ralph: And I’m already bored.
Karl: Go get some jello at the cafeteria.
Ralph: I don’t like jello.
Karl: Plenty else to pick from!
Betty: Can I go back there and see her?
Teri: No!
Betty: But -
Teri: No!
Betty: You went!
Teri: Got tell them that we were all here.
Jeanette: Bet, leave the poor girl be. She’s already about to push a child out of her body.
Rick: That can’t feel good.
Jeanette: It does not.
Betty: I went through it three times, I could provide moral support. No one here has more experience with it than me!
Teri: Mother, you’re a lunatic!
Jerry: You say that like it’s news.
Frank: Finally, the man of the hour has arrived!
Teri: Ugh.
Danielle: I mean only minimal offense when I say this: I don’t think you’re the man of the hour.
Frank: It was a joke. Man, lighten up, guys. We’re here for a birth, not a funeral.
Ralph: Some of us are bored.
Karl: I’ll go get you a snack if you tell me what food will shut you up!
Ralph: Chicken. Not fried, baked. It’s healthier.
Karl: Excellent. Very easy thing to find at a hospital.
Steven: Where is she? Did she have the baby yet? Are we too late?
Betty: Ha! No!
Steven: Why’s that funny?
Cindy: It traditionally takes a bit longer than an hour.
Steven: First time.
Rich: You’d hope.
Teri: Come on, I’ll show you the way to her room.
Teri leads Steven to Alysa’s hospital room.
Steven: Thank you.
Teri: No problem. Good luck, we’re all here for you.
Steven walks into the room.
Alysa: Finally! Can you believe she says I might be here for twelve hours?
Tammi: At least!
Steven: I didn’t realize it took this long!
Alysa: At least you’re here.
Steven: How are you feeling?
Alysa: Scared.
Steven: So am I.
Alysa: I’m so unprepared. What if I’m not ready for this?
Tammi: I’m going to be honest: no one is ever ready. But it’s too late to turn back now, so good luck, and get ready to learn on the job.
Alysa: Is it always this scary?
Tammi: You never stop worrying. For example, my son is eighteen years old and I am currently worried enough about him that I can barely breathe, because he is somehow about to become a father.
Steven: I guess we added some extra fear to your life.
Tammi; It’s fine. This baby is a beautiful blessing from God, and you’re starting your own incredible family. I know you’l do great, and you have a wonderful support system. But that doesn’t mean it’s not working to watch your kid jump into something for the first time. Do you want me to leave you two alone?
Steven: No!
Alysa: Yeah, you’re a very comforting presence.
Steven: I like to think so.
Six hours later…
Alysa: Oh my god, Steven!
Steven: What? I promise I did’t fall asleep.
Alysa: Your mother did.
Steven: I bet most of my family did, too.
Alysa: If only I could!
Steven: What’s wrong?
Alysa: Did no one tell my mother?
Steven: Oh boy…
Thirty minutes later…
Anita: You mean to tell me my daughter went into labor -
Danielle: Her water just broke, the labor has barely even begun.
Anita: And none of you thought to call me? Who even are these people?
Jeanette: Jeanette Powell, Betty’s sister. I’ve heard so much about you.
Anita: Steven’s great aunt knew before me?
Teri: In our defense, she lives in our guest house. It was much easier to tell her than you.
Anita: All you had to do was call me!
Teri: I don’t have your number! I don’t like you and you don’t like me!
Anita: This is a fairly important matter, don’t you think?
Betty: And yet, you’re here screaming at us instead of comforting your daughter.
Anita: You all needed to be yelled at! Now, where is she?
Betty: I don’t think we’re going to tell you if you keep up with this tone.
Teri: I’ll tell her just to get her away from us.
Ralph: What’s with all the yelling? I’m trying to nap.
Betty: You’re going to ruin your night’s sleep!
Frank: I think we’re gonna be here long enough that this is where we’re sleeping.
Ralph: I didn’t sign up for this.
Teri: Well, you don’t drive, so you’re stuck here.
Jeanette: We could take him home if he wants.
Cindy: No one’s going anywhere! They need a strong support system!
Jeanette: All right, we’ll stay.
Ralph: I’ll never forgive you for this, Cynthia.
Frank: Wow, he’s mad enough to break out the full legal name!
Ralph: I just didn’t expect this to take forever.
Seven hours later…
Tammi: She’s here.
Jerry: Am I awake or hallucinating?
Tammi: You’re awake. Not hallucinating.
Jerry: Then who is “she?”
Tammi: The baby.
Jerry: It’s a girl, everyone!
Cindy: Be quiet, Mr. Clooney.
Jerry: Our grandson’s just had a baby and she’s dreaming about Clooney.
Danielle: Listen, we all dream about Clooney. She’s nothing special.
Betty: The baby’s here! Everyone up! The baby is here!
Jeanette: How did she hear that?
Karl: She can have bionic hearing when she wants to.
Meanwhile, in the delivery room…
Alysa: Can you believe it? She’s so beautiful.
Steven: I can’t believe it, no.
Alysa: We made that tiny, delicate creature.
Anita: May I suggest “Anita” as a name?
Steven: We’ve already picked a name, sorry.
Anita: You said you didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl!
Alysa: We lied, to avoid too much time of you trying to get us to name her “Anita.”
Anita: What’s the name then? It better not be one of those wacky Gen Z names!
Alysa: We’re Generation Alpha.
Anita: Sure.
Alysa: Caitlin Isabel Howerton.
Anita: Okay, we can at least hyphenate the last name, no?
Alysa: I didn’t hyphenate mine.
Anita: I’m learning of so many betrayals today. Caitlin nor Isabel better not be Betty’s middle name, at least.
Steven: It’s not. We just liked both names.
Anita: She’ll be furious, then. I can live with that.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read a new episode next week!
