Marietta is at Patty Lynn’s for dinner.
Patty Lynn: Can you believe this election is so close? I’m so scared he’s going to win again.
Kathleen: He won’t win. Nobody likes him.
Milton: I don’t mean to frighten anyone, but he can absolutely win. The polls have tightened — to the point that he’s been leading in a few. The attacks against Baum as some sort of coastal elite are really sticking. All they have to do is show clips of her saying something outlandish on her old talk show and it whips people into a frenzy.
Patty Lynn: You think she’s going to lose?
Milton: I think it’s possible. Kate certainly does. We’re very grateful that there aren’t any senate seats up this year. If this election had been held last year, we probably lose seats, rather than gaining two. We certainly lose Florida and Montana, and West Virginia, Arizona, Texas, and Ohio are likely flips. Maybe even Pennsylvania and Wisconsin, too.
Patty Lynn: The polls are that bad? All the public ones say Eleanor is leading.
Milton: It’s close, they’re both at around 46%. Undecideds often break for the candidate that has the momentum, and that’s Delphy.
Marietta: Is there anything we can do?
Kathleen: Yeah, you could’ve not dropped out.
Patty Lynn: Don’t even get started on her over that. You know she had to do that for her own sanity!
Kathleen: All I’m saying is if we didn’t get stuck with a member of the Hollywood elite as our nominee, we’d be doing better. People don’t think she’s relatable.
Milton: It’s unfortunately. She’s a great person. Fun to talk to, fun to hang out with. I guess people just don’t think someone with her background is all that relatable.
Tammy: For god’s sake, Republicans nominated a billionaire coal barren and hotelier!
Kathleen: But he talks like they do. He speaks to them.
Patty Lynn: She’s a US Senator! She’s qualified.
Tammy: He was West Virginia’s governor. He had the typical qualifications, even if it comes along with an awful personality.
Patty Lynn: He still doesn’t deserve re-election.
Tammy: I don’t disagree.
Marietta: We desperately need to talk about something besides this awful election. Sarah, anything interesting going on at college?
Sarah: I’ve been recruited to play on the basketball team.
Marietta: Really?
Milton: Don’t take this the wrong way, sweetie, but you’ve never been terribly athletic.
Sarah: I’m plenty athletic!
Milton: You used to ask me to write absence notes every week from gym class.
Sarah: I’ve grown. I’ve changed. I’m a shooting guard!
Marietta: Will we be seeing you declare for the WNBA draft?
Sarah: I’m on the bench on a team that hasn’t played in March Madness in ten years and isn’t included in, like, any notable tournaments. No, I will not be declaring for the draft. I think I’ve hit about two field goals since I started.
Patty Lynn: That’s pretty dang good! You just started!
Sarah: I’ve been playing since the start of the school year.
Patty Lynn: These things take time.
Amy: When you say you’ve made two field goals since you started… do you mean you’ve made them in games, or -
Sarah: Oh, no. In practice. I haven’t even seen the floor in a game.
Amy: Well.
Marietta: I’m sure she’s trying her best.
Sarah: It’s really just for fun. I need something to keep me busy.
Patty Lynn: That’s what sports is all about at the end of the day, no? Having fun!
Sarah: Some of my teammates disagree. They think I lack discipline.
Marietta: What does your coach say?
Sarah: Coach? Who said we have a coach?
Marietta: Doesn’t every team have one?
Kathleen: Can we talk about politics again?
Moira: Im enjoying Sarah’s basketball tales!
Kathleen: If I wanted to hear a bunch of idiots talking about basketball, I’d watch Inside the NBA.
Marietta: Did you just call my close personal friend Sir Charles Barkley an idiot?
Kathleen: You ever listen to him and Shaq?
Marietta: He’s a dear man.
Patty Lynn: Who wants dessert?
Milton: Now that sounds like a plan!
Two days later…
Marietta: Ladies, I have an idea.
Henrietta: About time somebody does.
Amy: We have ideas!
Tammy: When?
Amy: Hey, she’s insulting you, too!
Tammy: I know. I deserve it!
Henrietta: I’m not trying to insult anyone. I’m just saying… we don’t do much lately.
Amy: All our energy has been put into women’s empowerment.
Tammy: A lot of good that’s done for us. What do we have to show for it?
Amy: We’re nearly selected a location for the new women’s center!
Henrietta: And we helped save that women’s theater group from going under.
Tammy: Oh, great, more improv. That’s a net negative in my book.
Marietta: I spent yesterday on the phone.
Tammy: Admitting you played on your phone all day… not a promising start.
Marietta: No, I was calling people! Rich people.
Tammy: Are you pimping yourself out?
Henrietta: My stomach hurts.
Marietta: I’m not doing… that, but why does your stomach hurt, Henrietta?
Tammy: Do you want to think about your cousin selling herself?
Marietta: Not particularly, no.
Henrietta: Anyway, why have you been calling rich people?
Marietta: Saturday’s discussion with Sarah got me thinking.
Tammy: Marietta, you can’t threaten WNBA team owners into drafting your niece who just picked up a basketball for the first time two months ago.
Marietta: No, that’s not it! I want a WNBA team for New Orleans!
Amy: She hears her niece say she plays basketball and suddenly she’s Mrs. Basketball.
Marietta: It opened my eyes to the possibility. Just think, Angel Reese played right here in Louisiana, at the repulsive LSU.
Amy: I don’t think you should say that.
Marietta: Tulane forever, I bleed green and blue.
Tammy: Is this circling back to a point?
Marietta: Women’s basketball is exploding. Caitlin Clark has helped it explode, the South’s own A’ja Wilson is a four-time MVP of the WNBA, and the South is lacking in WNBA teams. New Orleans should be the city to change that. They’re expanding the league, and this is the place to do it. It fits perfectly with my push for women’s empowerment. The girls around this city will see a team in their own backyard and dream to be like those powerful, gifted women.
Amy: Has anyone bitten?
Marietta: Veronica Rose, the billionaire real estate mogul who just so happens to own a majority stake in our soccer team. She wants in. And she’s assembling a team of potential co-owners. I will be one of them.
Amy: You?
Marietta: I have the money to buy a small stake in it.
Amy: You’re going to own a WNBA team?
Marietta: Roughly 2.5%. But it’s not nothing!
Tammy: How is this government business, exactly? This just seems like you’re telling us your own personal plans.
Marietta: To make the big more attractive, I had the idea of building a new basketball arena. We love our Pelicans -
Henrietta: I don’t. They piss me off. They suck!
Amy: They try their best!
Henrietta: They do not!
Marietta: Anyway, the Smoothie King Center is good for our Pelicans, but it’s old. By the time a WNBA team might arrive here, it would be over thirty years old. So we’re going to build a new arena. It’ll be all-purpose, and’ll host concerts and all types of sporting events and comedy show. It’s going to be an excellent source of revenue for our city. And that’s always a good thing.
Amy: We don’t really have the money for that, do we?
Tammy: My god, the city council barely gives us the money to throw the office Christmas party.
Henrietta: Holiday party.
Tammy: This is why we’re about to lose the election.
Marietta: That’s why we have to convince them that it’s a huge money-maker. Plus, Veronica Rose is chipping in, and I bet I can convince Gayle Benson to chip in, too!
Amy: Will the public support this? The Smoothie King Center is fine.
Marietta: It’s old, it’s unattractive. The WNBA is not going to want to grant a team to a city that’ll make their teams play in a run-down hellhole.
Amy: Okay, it isn’t that bad. I just went to a game last week -
Henrietta: Why?
Amy: And it was fine!
Marietta: We’ve made it clear that the last years of my term are about new beginnings and revitalization. This is a way to revitalize the city. We have to move it into the future. A new stadium, a new basketball team.
Amy: I think it’s a good idea. Here’s my question: what if the WNBA doesn’t want to give us a team?
Marietta: Then we’re gonna have some trouble funding that stadium. Veronica only wants to fund it if she gets her team.
Amy: Maybe we should focus on getting the team first, then?
Marietta: We need firm plans in place for the stadium to make it look better to the league.
Tammy: Well this is a real pain in the neck.
Marietta: I know, this is my first attempt at getting my city a sports team.
Tammy: Should we really be going for a WNBA team before an MLB team?
Marietta: That’s too expensive. And there hasn’t been an MLB expansion team in almost thirty years. Too much hassle.
Tammy: They just added a team in Rhode Island!
Marietta: They did?
Tammy: The Oysters! And they gave Charlotte one, too.
Marietta: Rhode Island got one before us?
Tammy: I know.
Amy: So how can we work on achieving this?
Marietta: We have to work on our pitch to the league, and our pitch to the city council.
Amy: I don’t know which one is gonna be harder!
Marietta: The city council used to be more difficult. They’re sort of nice now.
Amy: Are they?
Marietta: They’re nicer.
Amy: That’s not the same thing.
Later that week…
Marietta: I thank you all for your time.
Marissa: It’s always nice to have you, mayor Landfield.
Marietta: Today I want to talk to you about the WNBA.
Florence: Did I hear that correctly?
Bethany: I don’t watch the WNBA. It’s un-American. If I wanted to watch a bunch of American-hating communists play basketball, I’d go to Beijing.
Moira: By all means, catch the first flight.
Marietta: It’s no secret that I’ve prioritized women’s empowerment in this term. The WNBA is at the center of a major cultural moment right now. Young women across America finally see that they, too, can be sports starts. It’s not just for the boys anymore! But the young ladies of New Orleans are left out. We lack any major women’s sports teams in New Orleans. My niece plays for the Tulane Green Wave women’s basketball team. None of those talented young women, or any of the women on their university’s other sports teams, ever have the chance of playing sports in their home city. It’s a pity.
Florence: The real pity is how generally terrible they are at all sports. Geaux Tigers!
Marietta: I’m asking for your support on a measure, so I will refrain from calling you Tiger scum, which I want to.
Florence: You shut did.
Marietta: Dammit, Marietta! Self control!
Marissa: What exactly are you asking us?
Marietta: Our city deserves a WNBA team. This city council can’t unilaterally grant us one, but they can ease the pathway to it. Veronica Rose and I - along with a group of prospective owners including grocery store chain connoisseur Jack Briar, Harry Connick Jr and our city’s beloved Drew Brees - are pitching a new WNBA team to the league. In order to improve our chances, we also want to build a new stadium. Ms. Rose has pledged several hundred million dollars towards this bid, and she is working on gaining the financial support of others, too. But the city can also help out. For just $500 million, we can build a new stadium here in New Orleans, helping to bring the city into the future.
Bethany: I feel ill.
Moira: Yeah, that’s a lot of big numbers for you, it must have made you feel woozy.
Bethany: Government waste is a disgusting thing.
Marissa: I think we’ll need to read over the proposals.
Marietta: I know it sounds crazy, but I ask that you give it real consideration. This is something that can truly bring in a ton of money each year in additional revenue to our city. It’s an economy booster!
Bethany: Spend half a billion. To make millions. Makes sense to me!
Marietta: It’s an investment in our future.
Moira: We’re not voting on it today, Bethany. Go home, where you have a calculator, and use that to figure out the financials. I believe in you!
Celia: I think it’s a fantastic idea!
Bethany: You would…
Celia: Young women deserve an investment in their future. I think that’s what many would see this as.
Bethany: I think they’d see it as a waster of money. Then again, that’s all you Democrats do.
DeeDee: Who decided that the one and only Republican on the council had to be so annoying? I can’t even think about this proposal because she won’t shut her mouth!
Celia: That’s her tactic. Before you can formulate your own thoughts on it, she infiltrates your mind and convinces you it’s bad.
DeeDee: Then she’s not good at it, because she’s so annoying that it actively pushes me away from siding with her.
Marietta: I think I should leave you guys to figure this out and debate it.
Marissa: Thank you, mayor Landfield. We’ll vote on appropriations for this project at next week’s meeting.
Marietta: I’ll keep my fingers crossed until then!
Some time later…
Amy: Marietta, that was the WNBA.
Henrietta: The league just called you? Like, you asked who was there and they just said “the WNBA?” That might’ve been a scam.
Amy: It was the commissioner.
Marietta: Oh, everyone hates her.
Amy: Well, I don’t. And you shouldn’t, either.
Tammy: What were you login answering Marietta’s phone, anyway?
Marietta: Shh! Amy, why shouldn’t we hate her?
Amy: Beginning in 2029, New Orleans will have their very own WNBA team!
Marietta: Oh my god! I did that!
Amy: Yeah, you did!
Tammy: See, Henrietta! We get stuff done!
Henrietta: You agreed with me when I said we didn’t!
Tammy: Liar, liar! I say we don’t let her come to the first game with us.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
