The employees of TBC are gathered in the conference room.
Beverly: I don’t mean to be rude, but I just have to ask what exactly this meeting is about?
Dana: Well, we’re all here now, so I’ll get to it. I’m trying to do a check-in, see how everyone is doing. We’ve had some changes around here, namely Mark Landers’ retirement and the addition of Essie Santarita to our team, and I want to see what everyone thinks.
Essie: I think Essie is a great addition to the TBC family!
DeAnna: Is the old bat not even aware of the fact that is Essie Santarita?
Essie: Don’t be cruel! I was just making a little joke!
Frances: Cruelty is her brand.
DeAnna: That’d be a pretty cool tagline for my new season, actually.
Frances: But you pretend to be a normal person on TV.
DeAnna: I could rebrand.
Dana: All right, I take it there are some issues you guys have. I’d like to hear them.
Frances: DeAnna’s just a grouch!
DeAnna: Oh, you didn’t want her joining the network, either! I’m just the only one with the courage to stand up and say it.
Essie: Some of you didn’t want me here? That is certainly news to me!
Frances: My ego got challenged, but I got over it. Clearly, DeAnna has not.
DeAnna: Hey, you were scheming right there with me.
Dana: Okay, so besides DeAnna still being petty, is everyone feeling content with their workplace?
Marcia: I’d be more content if I wasn’t being held up at this stupid meeting?
Jane: Does anyone need coffee?
Beverly: Jane, it’s five o’clock.
Jane: So?
DeAnna: What is she even doing here? She’s not a network employee, she’s Frances’s assistant.
Jane: I have every right to be here!
DeAnna: Sure.
Dana: Frances, how are you feeling about being a part of the TBC family?
Frances: Blessed. Is that the correct answer?
Later that night, Frances is talking to Marcia on her bluetooth while driving home.
Marcia: I should let you go, you’ve gotta be almost home by now.
Frances: You’re just saying that because you’re home and I’ve outgrown my usefulness!
Marcia: I mean…
Frances: Oh my god, my street!
Marcia: What’s wrong with your street? San Andreas acting up again?
Frances: No, there are like four or five firetrucks, and I see smoke.
Marcia: Is it at your house?
Frances: No, not that I can see.
Marcia: Then not your problem!
Frances: I do wonder which poor, unfortunate souls are the ones whose house went up in flame, though. I know everyone that lives on this street.
Marcia: Why are you talking like Ursula?
Frances: Ursula?
Marcia: From the Little Mermaid? Poor unfortunate souls?
Frances: You’re really focusing on my word choice when one of my neighbors’ houses is upon in flames?
Marcia: Well there’s not anything I can do about that!
Frances: I didn’t ask you to put it out yourself, but you could show a bit more concern, don’t you think?
Marcia: It’s been a long day.
Frances: Marcia…
Marcia: What’s wrong? Your tone just chang-
Frances: It’s Jimmy and Louise’s house.
Marcia: What? I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Frances: The burning house is Jimmy and Louise’s!
Marcia: Oh my god, that’s horrible!
Frances: Are you saying that because you’re concerned about my brother or because you were wrong about the fire not being my problem?
Marcia: A little of both.
Frances: I’m gonna go, I have to see what’s going on. Could you text Bev and let her know what’s up? I’m sure she’d wanna know.
Marcia: One does not simply text Bev. You call Bev, or else you spend the rest of your day trying to decipher the jumbled-up mess of letter she texted back to you. I swear, it took archaeologists less time to figure out what the Egyptian hieroglyphs meant.
Frances: All right, I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll try and text you once I know what’s going on.
Marcia: Thanks, Frances. Good luck with everything.
Frances hangs up and pulls into her driveway.
Frances: Greg! What the hell is going on?
Greg: Oh my god, it was horrible!
Frances: What happened? Are they okay?
Greg: They’re inside, they’re very shook up.
Frances: I would assume so! How did this happen?
Greg: Let’s go in and talk to them, they’d certainly know more than I do.
Inside Frances’s house…
Louise: I just can’t believe this!
Frances: I am so sorry.
Jimmy: It’s all right.
Louise: How can you say it’s all right? I burned our house down!
Jimmy: We don’t know that yet. The firefighters are working their hardest to douse the fire, the damage may be minor.
Greg: I saw the flames, I think you’re being a bit too optimistic.
Frances: Greg!
Greg: Oh, sorry.
Louise: No, he’s right. Our house is gone and it’s all my fault.
Frances: I need you to clarify that, because I don’t know why you keep saying it.
Louise: I lit a candle in the kitchen while the window was open a bit. The curtain blew in, caught fire, and I didn’t notice it until the whole kitchen was engulfed.
Frances: The smoke detector didn’t go off?
Louise: Another reason why it was my fault! We don’t have a smoke detector in that part of the house.
Lauren: You can’t beat yourself up about this.
Louise: I’m homeless now! How can I not beat myself up about that?
Jimmy: You don’t know yet what the house will be like. It could be perfectly fine.
Louise: Oh, get real! That house is gone!
Frances: Regardless, you are not homeless. You have a place here as long as you need it.
Greg: Frances, can we talk?
Frances: About?
Greg: We just need to talk.
Frances: Okay, we can talk.
Louise: I bet it’s about us.
Greg: No! Of course not! Something just happened at work, I don’t feel the need to broadcast it to the whole family.
Louise: It’s about me specifically.
Jimmy: You are too negative sometimes, honey.
Louise: Our house just burned down! How can I not be negative?
Lauren: She kinda has a point there.
Frances and Greg walk into the hallway.
Frances: What was that about?
Greg: They’re going to stay here? In our house?
Frances: They’re my brother and sister-in-law, I have to!
Greg: They’re a pain in the ass living down the street, what do you think they’re gonna be like living in our house?
Frances: Their house just burned down. It is my obligation to help when I have the means to do so.
Greg: I understand that, I just… we finally had a bit of freedom. Does it make me a bad person to say I don’t want them here?
Frances: It makes you tremendously selfish, but I get it. We’ll get through it.
Greg: You sure?
Frances: I’m sure.
Greg: So where are they going to stay?
Frances: We have a beautiful finished basement where Jane stayed, I think that’ll suit them just fine.
Greg: And you’re sure we can’t put them in the guest house?
Frances: That’s Lauren’s place, and she pays rent. We can’t force her to take them in.
Greg: I had to ask!
Jimmy: Hey! Great news!
Frances: We’re coming!
Back in the living room…
Frances: What’s up?
Jimmy: The whole house isn’t gone! I just walked down to ask the firefighters about it and they said that only half the house was impacted by the fire. There’s a lot of damage, and its’ going to take months to repair it, but a lot of our possessions did survive.
Frances: Ah, that’s great!
Greg: Can you live in the house still?
Jimmy: Of course not. It’s completely exposed to the elements on on one half of it.
Frances: I’m so sorry for his stupidity. He doesn’t think sometimes.
Louise: Well, at least I didn’t completely destroy my own house.
Lauren: See, a silver lining! Cheer up!
Louise: Yeah, but every silver lining’s got a touch of grey. That’s what Jerry Garcia says. Said.
Lauren: You can’t be so hard on yourself, it was a simple mistake.
Frances: Are you guys able to go in and grab anything tonight, or do you need to borrow clothes to sleep in?
Greg: They said it’s best to give it some time to cool and let the smoke clear. We can go over tomorrow.
Frances: All right, sounds good. Louise, we wear the same size basically, no?
Louise: I’m probably, let’s face it, a size or two smaller than you.
Frances: You’re going to be sleeping in it and lounging around in it, not attending the Academy Awards. It’ll do.
Louise: Okay.
Frances: My god, you need to stop moping around. Even Sylvia Plath would say you’re too depressing!
Louise: Joke’s on you, I don’t know who that is!
The next morning…
Frances: Greg…
Greg: Yeah?
Frances: Did I dream that Louise and Jimmy had to move in because of a fire at their house?
Greg: Let’s be perfectly clear, that would not be a dream.
Frances: So it’s real?
Greg: Sure is. And, by the sounds of it, they’re already up.
Frances: Oh my god, can’t get a minute’s peace.
Greg: You know, we have the money to get them a room at a nice hotel.
Frances: No, I can’t. They deserve the comfort of a home, not an impersonal, cold hotel.
Greg: It’s a hotel, not a jail cell. Just think about it.
Frances: I have to help my family.
Greg: You still would be if you paid.
Frances: They’re too proud to accept me paying for their hotel room.
Greg: Then let’s just hope they don’t drive us too insane.
Frances gets up and walks downstairs.
Jimmy: Good morning, Frances! We made you breakfast!
Frances: Oh, that’s very thoughtful. What’s for breakfast?
Louise: Eggs, French toast, and bacon.
Frances: Wow, that’s quite a breakfast.
Louise: Well, you’re doing a lot for us, so it’s the least we could do.
Frances: You don’t have to do anything for me. Family helps family.
Jimmy: That’s exactly what we’re doing.
Frances: I’m just shocked you two are making such a big breakfast on a work day. I can barely find the time to make myself a frozen waffle before work.
Jimmy: Oh, we’re not working today. We want to be here as short as possible, we’re meeting with contractors to figure out a plan to rebuild, and we’re also collecting our things from the house that we want to have here with us and taking everything else salvageable to storage.
Frances: Wow, you two are certainly on it.
Louise: We really don’t want to inconvenience you any longer than we have to. It’s already so generous of you to let us stay at all, the last thing we want to do is hang around forever.
Frances: Yeah, you two would never do that.
Louise: That was one time.
Frances: You don’t have to get defensive, I wasn’t mad about it. To tell you the truth, I thought it was fun to have you two living right out back. Wasn’t much different from you living down the street. We’ll see how different it is from you living inside the house.
Jimmy: You didn’t get breakfast when we lived in the guest house!
Frances: That is true, that’s a nice perk. Speaking of that breakfast, I’d better hurry and eat it rather than yapping. I’m sure you two have plenty else to worry about rather than little ole’ me, anyway.
Later that day, at work…
Beverly: Oh, Frances, bring it in.
Frances: It really is all right, Bev, you don’t have to -
Beverly gives Frances a tight hug.
Beverly: There there, cry it out.
Jane: I just can’t believe you’re here with such a brave face after what you’ve been through.
Dana: We’re all here for you.
Frances: What is going on? What did Marcia tell you? Where is Marcia?
Dana: She stepped out to run to the bathroom.
Frances: Dana, what are you doing here?
Dana: Your house burned down, of course I have to be here to support you! Don’t tell DeAnna, but you’re my favorite!
Frances: My house did not burn down? Where’d you hear that?
Dana: Beverly called me.
Beverly: Jane called me.
Frances: I told Marcia to call you, Bev!
Marcia: Oh, Frances! How’s everything at home?
Frances: You called Jane? We all know you can’t trust Jane with information!
Marcia: I called Bev, she was busy, I figured I could at least let Jane know!
Frances: Idiot.
Jane: Did your house not burn down?
Frances: No, Jane! No it did not!
Dana: Then whose house did? Oh, god, was it DeAnna? I’m insulting her and it turns out she’s homeless…
Marcia: It was Frances’s brother Jimmy’s house. It was something about a candle his wife Louise lit, I’m not really sure about the gory details.
Jane: So your house is fine?
Frances: Aside from its inhabitants, yes.
Beverly: Aww, it’s hitting you hard? You’re a good sister.
Frances: Well they’re living with me now, of course it’s hitting me! They’re lunatics! You know, Jimmy made me play Yahtzee with them last night because he insisted it was a “fun slumber party.”
Beverly: His house just burned down, I don’t blame him for wanting to do something fun.
Frances: That’s exactly why I played along, but it’s not a slumber party. This is just daily life now, and that’s gonna take some getting used to.
Jane: I think playing Yahtzee every night sounds fun! I don’t have anyone to play with.
Marcia: Frances, I think she’s asking if she can move in, too.
Jane: No! I’m not a freeloader!
Marcia: Did you just call Frances’s brother a freeloader?
Jane: Ah, dammit Jane, you stuck your foot in your mouth all over again.
Frances: I knew what you meant.
Dana: All right, I’d love to stay and chat, but I have meetings. I’m glad you’re all right, and I hope everything works out for your brother.
Frances: Thanks, Dana.
Beverly: So, should we get to work now? Or is there anything else you want to say about the fire?
Frances: I’m a professional, I’m not gonna let my personal life delay our production. We can talk after if you want, but it’s all gonna be okay. The house wasn’t totally destroyed, either, they think it’ll only be a few months until they can move back in.
Beverly: Oh, that’s great! I thought it was completely gone.
Frances: Bev, if their house burned to the ground, I’d be out house-hunting with them right now.
Beverly: They can’t be that terrible of houseguests.
Frances: It’s not that they’re terrible. They’re too nice. It’s weird, because it’s not like them at all. Louise, you know Louise.
Marcia: Unfortunately.
Frances: No, I like Louise. She’s just not, you know, this overly generous, happy, nice lady. So it’s been surreal. But, like I said, I can chat about this later, we need to get filming. I’m heading to hair and makeup.
Beverly: Frances, wait!
Frances: I really am fine, you guys don’t have to worry about me.
Beverly: So you’re good to make creme brûlée today, or is that a little too close to home?
Frances: Let’s try and restrict the open flames just for today. We’ll re-shuffle that to tomorrow’s show.
Beverly: Sounds like a plan.
Later that day…
Louise: Frances!
Frances: Ah! Damn, I forgot you were here.
Louise: Welcome home!
Lauren: I tried to warn her not to do that, she didn’t listen.
Louise: I’m just so excited to tell her the good news!
Frances: Ah, I love good news! Love. Good. News!
Lauren: I don’t know if this is necessarily going to be considered “good.”
Jimmy: Oh, don’t be silly, this is great news! Frances, we got an estimate from the contractor, the house will be fixed in eight months!
Frances (unenthusiastically): Eight months! Yay!
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
