Patty Lynn walks up to the front door of the mayor’s mansion.
Patty Lynn: Marietta! Open!
Marietta: Coming!
Tammy: Am I dressed appropriately?
Amy: Honey, it’s Mardi Gras. You have about four more layers on than anyone else.
Tammy: I only have two layers on.
Amy: Exactly.
Marietta: Tammy, I think you’re dressed wonderfully. A nice splash of color but still conservative.
Tammy: You think I look like a conservative? That’s awful! I hate them!
Marietta: That’s not… let’s not say that in public.
Tammy: As if you like them!
Marietta: They are mostly good people with families whose values just happen to differ from mine.
Amy: Hey, I wrote that line for you after that big gaffe on the campaign trail!
Marietta: God, Karen almost had an aneurysm after that one.
Patty Lynn: Hello! Have you forgotten about someone?
Marietta: Well, actually yeah. Sorry about that.
Patty Lynn: No, it’s fine. Tammy and Amy are more important than your dear old mom.
Amy: How can she hear through the door?
Marietta: Those hearing aids have turned her into the Bionic Woman.
Tammy: I remember Lindsay Wagner being cooler. And saner.
Kathleen starts honking the car horn.
Patty Lynn: We’re coming, Kathleen! Hang on!
Kathleen gives Patty Lynn the middle finger.
Patty Lynn: You guys take your time, Kathleen’s being very courteous and patient.
Marietta opens the door.
Marietta: That’s very unlike her. Is something the matter?
Kathleen: Get the hell in the car!
Amy: I think your mom was just lying.
Patty Lynn: I was stretching the truth. That’s not lying.
Marietta: It’s lying.
Patty Lynn: Look, I was just tired of being honked out.
Marietta: Totally understandable. We’re ready, let’s get out of here.
Patty Lynn: You guys are overdressed.
Tammy: I thought so!
Patty Lynn: It’s Mardi Gras, not an insurance conference.
Marietta: What are you implying?
Patty Lynn: You’re wearing a pantsuit, my dear.
Kathleen: Get in the car!
Marietta: I don’t think I have time to change before Kathleen takes off without us.
Patty Lynn: It’s my car!
Tammy: Why are you letting the woman with a record of DUIs and reckless driving drive your car to Mardi Gras?
Patty Lynn: I like to take a walk on the wild side from time to time.
Marietta: Since when?
Tammy: I don’t think this is a brilliant thing to start with, honestly.
Kathleen: Car! Get in it!
Patty Lynn: Your outfits are fine, get in the car. People will just assume your tourists from Amish Country, that’s fine.
Kathleen: I’m leaving.
Patty Lynn: No, we’re coming!
Kathleen: Start walking, then!
Marietta: We’re walking!
In the French Quarter…
Patty Lynn: How are we going to find everyone else? Look at all these people!
Amy: I don’t think the French Quarter being packed at
Kathleen: Honestly, I’m just amazed we managed to find parking somewhat near the French Quarter.
Marietta: You parked on a sidewalk at first. You only moved after we all screamed at you.
Kathleen: And I still think you’re a bunch of wusses.
Marietta: I’m the mayor, hat wouldn’t be a fantastic look from me.
Kathleen: It’s Mardi Gras! We’re all entitled to break the law a little bit.
Marietta: I don’t think are, though.
Amy: Besides, Bethany Canadello is always looking for any excuse to try and impeach Marietta.
Marietta: Thank you for the reminder. I do so love that woman.
Tammy: Do you think we could get her drunk enough to take her shirt off for Mardi Gras beads and then turn it into a scandal so she has to resign?
Marietta: Oh, I couldn’t do that to another woman. I know the scandal when I did that beer keg thing. You know, when you abandoned me.
Tammy: That was a very brief erring in faith. I came back so quickly.
Marietta: Once I chased after you like someone in a rom-com.
Tammy: So it’s a no on getting Bethany drunk?
Amy: How would one even accomplish such a thing? We don’t know where she is, or if she’s even in the city. She’s so dim, she might’ve confused Mardi Gras with New Year’s Eve and gone to Times Square.
Tammy: All right, then let’s just have our fun. A day off, we need to relax and enjoy it.
Kathleen: You’ve come to the French Quarter on Mardi Gras to relax?
Tammy: You know what I meant!
Kathleen: I’m here to party.
Tammy: Me, too!
Kathleen: Well, you’re dressed like a Designing Woman. Not one of the fun ones, either.
Tammy: I loved that show. I take it as a compliment. I was friends with Linda Bloodworth-Thomason.
Amy: Are you not anymore?
Tammy: People grow apart. Nothing personal. That, and I did sadly steal a coat from her accidentally. It was a very expensive coat, and she lent it to me after a party on a very stormy night, and I forgot to give it back and didn’t realize I even had it. She accused me of having it, I said I didn’t, and then, years later, I did some spring cleaning and realized I did have it. Terrible way to ruin a friendship .
Amy: I know who I’ll never be lending a coat again.
Moira: Oh my god, I can’t believe we found you guys.
Sarah: My feet already hurt.
Moira: We haven’t been walking that long!
Sarah: I can’t help how my feet feel!
Marietta: Ah, always good to see you guys.
Moira: You as well!
Tammy: Do you happen to know where Bethany is? We have a plan to deal with her.
Moira: Huh?
Amy: Ignore her. She’s already drunk on fumes.
Tammy: God, I wish. It’s Mardi Gras, why don’t we already have booze in our hands?
Marietta: Some of us aren’t lushes, Tammy.
Tammy: Since when?
Amy: Speak for yourself, Tammy. I’m practically a teetotaler!
Tammy: You had wine in the office yesterday.
Amy: A brief moment of weakness.
Moira: I’m so glad we have this time together.
Kathleen: I agree, Carol Burnett.
Patty Lynn: I just wish Milton could be here.
Moira: He wanted to be here, too. Work just got in the way. At least I could mail him a king cake for the occasion.
Kathleen: You should’ve sent him some beads, too!
Amy: Why, so he can toss them to other senators in exchange for being flashed?
Sarah: Please don’t make me think about that. It’s a horrific image.
Tammy: What a depraved city we live in.
Marietta: Ain’t it great?
Patty Lynn: So now we’re just missing Eliza and her family.
Marietta: They’ll find us, just like Moira and Sarah did.
Moira: I don’t know, the feat we accomplished was very impressive. Not everyone’s up to it.
Sarah: It was like a real-life Where’s Waldo. Thank god we knew to look for three sad ladies dressed like co-hosts of The View.
Marietta: You watch The View?
Sarah: It’s a cultural touchstone.
Kathleen: Is it?
Marietta: Don’t insult Whoopi! She was lovely to me when I was on that sho. You can insult Sara Haines. She was totally biased in favor of Jenny Ross. I think Joy was for Baum, but she was fair enough.
Kathleen: Excellent.
Sarah: Guys…
Moira: I hear fear in your voice.
Sarah: I fear that I see a member of our family standing on top of a car, dancing topless and swinging beads around.
Patty Lynn: Excuse me?
Sarah: Elena.
Tammy: Good for her!
Sarah: Oh no, now she’s thrown up on a dog.
Tammy: Well that isn’t any good.
Kathleen: Back in my day, they contained this deviance to Bourbon Street. That’s just where you went to find your fellow freaks. Leave the rest of the Quarter to us semi-normal people who chose to make the voodoo city below sea level our home.
Amy: What’s she doing now? I can’t bear to look.
Sarah: She’s passed out. Straight onto Eliza.
Marietta: Well, at least she missed the dog.
Sarah: I think the dog got up and ran away.
Kathleen: At least it didn’t drown.
Moira: God, I just love this city at Mardi Gras. The sights, the smells, the eccentric traditions.
Sarah: The raging alcoholic fools.
Moira: God love ‘em.
Later that night…
Patty Lynn: Oh, Kathleen, look at this.
Kathleen: What?
Patty Lynn: The news is covering Elena’s incident.
Kathleen: Why would they dod that?
Patty Lynn: Well, she’s a Democratic operative, married to the Louisiana senate minority whip.
Kathleen: I just feel there are more pressing issues to discuss than this! For one, I saw a very talented sword-swallower who had an incredibly unfortunate cough during his routine.
Patty Lynn: I don’t think they can show that on television.
Kathleen: How can they show a topless, vomiting drunkard?
Patty Lynn: Excessive blurring.
Kathleen; They could’ve blurred the blood.
Patty Lynn: I think it would’ve just been considered bad taste to show that.
Kathleen: Think of what that poor dog had to taste thanks to Elena!
The next day…
Henrietta: Marietta, you have a guest.
Marietta: You look depressed, kid.
Henrietta: My family is the butt of every joke. Elena’s the town fool.
Marietta: We love the town fool in New Orleans!
Henrietta: It’s not great to be the stepdaughter of the town fool, though.
Marietta: I think you’re just looking at it the wrong way.
Henrietta: Well, tell them that.
Eliza: Hello, Marietta.
Henrietta: I can’t even look at you, Elena.
Elena: Don’t worry, all of TikTok’s taken a look at me in the past day.
Henrietta: Oh good! I need to go cry!
Tammy: Just don’t cry on the velvet couch. It makes the velvet crunchy!
Amy: You know what else makes velvet crunchy?
Marietta: Ladies, come on in.
Eliza: I knew I shouldn’t have let my aunts convince me not to divorce her.
Elena: It was a small mistake, honey. It happens!
Eliza: Yeah, who among us hasn’t puked on a dog while standing on top of someone else’s car topless?
Elena: Exactly!
Eliza: My job is in jeopardy. I don’t look like a serious person when I’m married to the town drunk!
Marietta: Henrietta called her the town fool. I think that’s kinder.
Eliza: Oh, yeah. Real prestigious title there.
Marietta: Look, this is a bad look. I get that. People love dogs. And not having a drunk woman standing on their car. But it’s Mardi Gras! We all get a bit looser than we should.
Elena: That’s what I said!
Eliza: Do you know how long I spent cleaning vomit out of my hair?
Elena: Again, it’s Mardi Gras! That’s what you should be expecting!
Marietta: Just apologize and it’ll all go away. That’s really all you need to do. Let TikTok have their fun, let the Twitter people… do whatever it is they’re still doing on there. The city is going to forget about it. They won’t remember it forever, they certainly won’t hold it against you forever. People move on quickly from silly stuff like this.And, Eliza, your job’s going to be fine. You‘re an excellent legislator, your Wie having some temporarily bad judgment won’t change that. Now, both of you, lift your heads up. Things are going to get better.
Elena: How about a celebratory drink when this is all over and we can be at peace again?
Eliza: Don’t even.
Elena: Kidding! Gosh, you’ve got no sense of humor sometimes!
Eliza: Better than having no self-control.
Marietta: All right, so some issues still need to be worked out. May I suggest my therapist?
Eliza: Please do.
Marietta: She’ll have this worked out in one session. I promise.
Elena: I hope so. I’d sure love to get to sleep in the bed again sometime soon.
Eliza: Keep dreaming.
Marietta: Sometimes, I start to somewhat miss marriage. This is a great reminder that I need to stop doing that.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
