Finally Together Season 1 Episode 8: Family Games

SETTING: BACKYARD

CATHERINE
So, we're actually following through on this idea?

ANDREW
Yeah, and I'm here to win. Child vs. in-laws vs. grandchildren vs. Fran and Brian?

CATHERINE
No way, I don't want David on my team.

DAVID
Do you even know me?

BRIAN
What if we all just make our families the teams? Fran and I will be the mediators.

ALL PEOPLE GROUP INTO THEIR RESPECTIVE FAMILIES

TEAM 1: DAVID, MARY, CHRIS, JULIAN, DREW
TEAM 2: JOSH, ANDREW
TEAM 3: CATHERINE, WILLIAM, BRITNEY, BRITNEY 2

CATHERINE
Yes! Team 3, for the third kid I've always wanted!

BRITNEY 2
Let me guess, Britney 3?

CATHERINE
You got it.

DAVID
Not too late.

BRITNEY 2
Focus on this so we can not come in last, please?

BRITNEY
What are we playing for again?

BRIAN
You'll see.

ANDREW
What the hell does that mean?!

JOSH
It means they have no clue what the prize will be so whoever wins will just get 10 hugs from my mom.

ANDREW
Maybe not. Either way I'm still here to win.

DREW
Can one of the games be to see who can sign my notebook first? Because as far as it knows, only half of you exist. [GOES IGNORED]

BRIAN
What does the birthday woman want the first game to be?

CATHERINE
Lip sync battle!

DAVID
Pretty sure he was talking about Fran's birthday. I know yours is being overshadowed.

FRAN
Whatever, show us what you got.

CATHERINE and DAVID perform a Britney Spears song, with BRITNEY and BRITNEY 2 also on stage. 

BRIAN
I think you all did anything except for lip sync.

BRITNEY 2
As was my intention.

FRAN
Honestly, I don't think we even need to see anyone else perform to know yours was the worst.

CATHERINE
OK whatever, I didn't want to win this anyway.

BRITNEY 2
Yeah you did.

JOSH
Who cares? If you're looking for another game then Andrew can tell you I'm pretty great with random trivia.

ANDREW
He actually is. 

BRIAN
Fine. What's the name of David's wife?

JOSH
You think I don't know that? Annie.

MARY
Um...seriously? My name's Mary. 

CHRIS
Can we play basketball and win this pathetic competition?

BRIAN
Find a ball and your wish is granted.

[DAVID, MARY, CHRIS, JULIAN, and DREW start a game of pick-up basketball in the driveway. Nobody makes any baskets in 20 minutes.]

BRIAN
I hate to say it, but you all suck at the things you're supposedly good at.

CATHERINE
So we win right?

BRIAN
No, but you'll always be my smartest daughter.

BRITNEY 2
And dumbest. 

FRAN
I think it's clear who the real winner is in this pathetic excuse of a family tournament. Josh and Andrew. Andrew was the person with the most passion for this. Who cares if his husband doesn't know anything about anyone here?

BRIAN
Should we tell him what the prize is then?

FRAN
I think it's only fair.

BRIAN
Fine. You want to say it or do you want me to?

FRAN
You know you want to say it. 

BRIAN
Eh I don't want to. We can tell them another time, right?

FRAN
I'll just say it. Everyone, Brian and I are moving to Poland. We wanted to tell everyone face-to-face. We're leaving the house to Josh and Andrew. You can move into it if you want, or if that's unrealistic then you can sell it. 

JOSH
Seriously?

Finally Together Season 1 Episode 5: The First Exchanges

BRIAN
Welcome everybody to the Cross house.

DAVID
Not the only Cross house now, Dad.

BRIAN
That's right, I'm happy David and his family could all come. Josh, thanks for bringing your friend, and Catherine is also here!

JOSH
You got the whole family together. Where's Mom by the way?

FRAN (yelling)
WHAT?

BRIAN
Our family is here!

FRAN
OK I'll be right there!

(FRAN loudly plays a song from the 1950s as her "entrance song".)

FRAN
Like my entrance song? 

CATHERINE
Sure...happy birthday Mom. Aren't I normal? I am definitely coming across as normal. No crazy antics going on in my house. Just a regular mom doing regular mom things.

FRAN
Oh, like what?

CATHERINE
Um...you know, things moms do. You're one, you should know.

MARY
What exactly do mom's do in your book?

CATHERINE
It's less of a book and more...you know as long as we've established I am normal and not crazy, I'm done talking.

(CATHERINE whispers to WILLIAM)
Did I do it right?

WILLIAM (to CATHERINE)
I guess?

BRITNEY 2 (to WILLIAM)
She did awful.

WILLIAM (to CATHERINE)
You did awful.

JOSH
Did you just tell my sister she did awful? At what?

WILLIAM
I was just telling her what Britney 2 said to tell her!

BRITNEY 2
Uncle Josh, I was saying that Mom is awfully good! You clearly misheard.

DREW (to DAVID)
Your family is weird.

MARY
How dare you call your father's family weird! And to his face too! Your father owes a lot to this family!

DAVID
Do I though?

JULIAN
Can you all just stop arguing? You're arguing about nothing!

ANDREW
How dare you say that about my...uh, friend's family! And to their faces to! You owe a lot to this family. (To JOSH) So is that what I say today?

JOSH
You say nothing.

DAVID
Who brings along a friend and tells them not to say anything? And mind your own business Andrew!

ANDREW
Sorry.

DAVID
Is he allowed to say that, Josh? Or were you going to say that for him? Why is he even here if you don't want him here?

BRIAN
ENOUGH!!!!

(The room goes silent.)

BRIAN
Your Mom and I have been planning this party--

FRAN
Mostly me. I planned my own party.

BRIAN
Oh so I can't get any of the credit?

FRAN
I'm not saying that--

BRIAN
Everything about this party is because of me.

JULIAN
Can you argue another time?

FRAN
NO WE'RE GONNA ARGUE NOW!

CATHERINE
Mom! Between us normal moms, I think we should all put this aside. Let's take five minutes and all separate ourselves, and come back as a family. We don't hate one another. Or at least, let's for the sake of our time here pretend we don't.

BRIAN
There's my smartest daughter talking.

BRITNEY
She's also your only daughter.

BRIAN
Doesn't make it any less true. Alright, see you all in five minutes.

(Everyone leaves the room. Focus on Britney and Britney 2)

BRITNEY (to BRITNEY 2)
So Chris is pretty hot right?

BRITNEY 2
Ew! What's the matter with you?

BRITNEY
Just saying.

BRITNEY 2
Make it nothing more than that.

BRITNEY
Or I could make my parents proud.

(BRITNEY walks up to CHRIS.)

BRITNEY
Hey Chris...so, you part of this family? I got dragged along as a friend.

CHRIS
A friend? Of who?

BRITNEY
Let's just call her Britney 2.

CHRIS
OK...so we're not cousins?

BRITNEY
Nope, definitely not.

CHRIS
OK...nice to meet you.

BRITNEY
Kiss me or it's not true.

CHRIS
And you're definitely a friend? Not my cousin?

BRITNEY
Yeah, uh, correct.

CHRIS
So I can call you hot?

BRITNEY
You better. 

BRITNEY kisses CHRIS.

BRITNEY
I'll see you around.

BRITNEY 2 walks up to CHRIS.

BRITNEY 2
That was your cousin!!!

CHRIS
She said she wasn't...

BRITNEY 2
You idiot, you actually thought that?

CHRIS
Can't believe she tricked me...wait, you're tricking me right now, aren't you?

JULIAN
She definitely isn't. 

BRITNEY 2
Going forward...no falling in love with anyone here. My sister's kind of messed up.

(Cut to BRIAN and DAVID)

BRIAN
So Fran's birthday is going terrible so far.

DAVID
My Mom is Fran now to me? 

BRIAN
Whatever. Your Mom's birthday is going terrible so far. 

DAVID
It really is.

BRIAN
Oh. I thought you were going to try to convince me differently? 

DAVID
I think not.

(Cut to Andrew and Catherine)

CATHERINE
So, uh...you're Josh's friend huh?

ANDREW
That  I am.

CATHERINE
Which one of you is going to pop the question?

ANDREW
Wait how did--

CATHERINE (laughing)
I'm kidding, Josh isn't gay!

ANDREW (polite laughter)
Yeah...

(Everyone re-enters the room. DREW is standing alone in a corner, overwhelmed and miserable.)

FRAN
Can I have a good birthday?

CATHERINE
Happy birthday mom!

FRAN
Happy birthday to you too Catherine.

CATHERINE
Finally somebody brings it up.

Finally Together Season 1 Episode 4: The Arrival, Part 3 of 3

CATHERINE

Alright everyone, my parents are expecting to see us today so everyone get ready to go.

BRITNEY

It’s 4am.

CATHERINE

Yeah and it takes 8 hours to get there.

WILLIAM

That’s right kids, time to get in the car.

BRITNEY 2

Don’t you hate Mom’s family?

WILLIAM

Only because they hate me.

CATHERINE

You know that’s not true.

WILLIAM

Did you hear any of the things your father told me when Britney came along? And don’t get him started on Britney 2.

CATHERINE

OK so we named both of our kids after Britney songs that have...special meaning to us. If he hated you so much he wouldn’t have invited us.

WILLIAM

At least it means I don’t have to go in to work for a while.

BRITNEY 2

You are both acting strangely somewhat normal right now...whatever happened to the mom who told us to go to bed at 6am because she wanted Britney 3 and the dad who made us jump over a campfire until the first person got burned?

WILLIAM

They don’t exist this week.

CATHERINE

Don’t worry, we’ll be back to our true selves once we come back from this reunion. Now if everyone can get in the car I found heavy metal covers of some old country songs. Now...where is North Carolina?

WILLIAM

There’s Fran and Brian’s 3rd smartest child!

BRITNEY

You know it’s 8 hours away but you don’t know where it is?

CATHERINE

I know a lot of things Britney.

BRITNEY 2

Like what?

CATHERINE

Um...stuff. I don’t need to justify myself to you. Come on everyone, time to go.

(THEY GET IN THE CAR. 5 MINUTES OF SILENCE GO BY.)

BRITNEY 2

So Mom, are you going to play your heavy metal covers?

BRITNEY

Don’t remind her!

CATHERINE

That’s right Britney 2, thanks for the reminder. 

(CATHERINE PUTS IN CD, BRITNEY SONGS START PLAYING.)

CATHERINE

Tricked you!!!

(CATHERINE STARTS SINGING ALONG TO THE SONGS LOUDLY WITH WILLIAM.)

BRITNEY 2

I swear I'm their 3rd-favorite Britney.

WILLIAM

You got that right. I can't hear you singing!

BRITNEY

Dad! I was conceived to this song what is wrong with you?!

BRITNEY 2

This one was yours Britney? Mine was...I think it's called Whoops I Did It Again. Pretty fittingly.

WILLIAM

Britney and Britney 2, your mom and dad may have never loved each other romantically, but physically...well, it's enough to get us through our lives.

BRITNEY 2

Gross. Can't believe I'm saying this but go back to singing.

CATHERINE

Pull over William, this is the song that played when we made out for the first time. Let's recreate it! 

BRITNEY 2

Can you just let us out of the car?

WILLIAM

You stay here, we'll be back in a minute.

CATHERINE

Time us. We're people of our word.

(WILLIAM AND CATHERINE LEAVE THE CAR.)

BRITNEY 2

Well here's a minute without them...wait what are you doing?!

BRITNEY

What does it look like I'm doing?

BRITNEY 2

It looks like you're about to take a drug. 

BRITNEY

Very good Britney 2!

BRITNEY 2

Why are you doing that?!

BRITNEY

Don't worry, just looking to have a little adventure on this ride.

BRITNEY 2

Cut it out, you could get addicted.

BRITNEY

Oh relax, live a little bit.

BRITNEY 2

I'm not going to do drugs and you shouldn't either. Or...at least wait until the end of the ride, I don't want to witness this.

BRITNEY

Fine. Be like that.

BRITNEY 2

Like what? A human being who cares about the wellbeing of others? 

BRITNEY

Duh. What's the worst that can happen?

BRITNEY 2

You need to stop.

(CATHERINE AND WILLIAM COME BACK.)

CATHERINE

Well that was nice. Now, where did I put my happy pills?

BRITNEY

Back here Mom.

CATHERINE

Thanks Britney.

WILLIAM

You know Britney, 16 is the legal drug-taking age in our household. 

(BRITNEY LOOKS AT BRITNEY 2.)

BRITNEY 2

She doesn't want any.

WILLIAM

OK, if she says so. Now, which one to take...

BRITNEY 2

This isn't funny.

WILLIAM

What do you have against a little fun? 14 years old is close enough to 16 in situations like these.

BRITNEY 2

Stop.

CATHERINE

Don't tell him what to do.

WILLIAM

Yeah, don't tell him what to do. Wait, who?

CATHERINE

You.

WILLIAM

Oh. Maybe you should take the wheel.

CATHERINE

It hit you that quickly? Mine will set in soon enough too. 

(CATHERINE LOOKS AT BRITNEY 2, THEN:)

CATHERINE

Hold the drug bag.

BRITNEY 2

Will do Mom.

(BRITNEY 2 OPENS THE WINDOW AND THROWS THE BAG ONTO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.)

CATHERINE

HOW DARE YOU LITTER!

WILLIAM

Why did you throw those out the window, those cost money! I assume. No?

CATHERINE

I know a guy. Britney 2, get in the drivers' seat, you're being punished.

BRITNEY 2

I'm not driving.

CATHERINE

Yeah you are.

BRITNEY 2

This is illegal.

CATHERINE

So is doing drugs but it didn't stop us.

BRITNEY 2

Can you all, please, at least try to act normal at this family reunion? I'm fairly certain you're not addicted to these, but don't become addicted. Do it for me. Please?

WILLIAM

Uh huh.

(BRITNEY 2 BARELY GETS THEM TO FRAN AND BRIAN'S HOUSE IN ONE PIECE. LUCKILY, THE DRUGS HAD WORN OFF ON THE OTHERS BY THE TIME THEY ARRIVED.)

BRIAN

Welcome everybody! I've been told it's actually you who are Catherine and family, not the people who got here a little while ago. That's on me. Looks like everyone is here now, time to get this reunion going!