Three months ago…
Carol: Gretchen, you know what’s coming up this year?
Gretchen: Toy Story 5.
Carol: Besides that.
Gretchen: New Olivia Rodrigo album.
Sarita: Fingers crossed!
Carol: Not that, either.
Gretchen: I’m stumped.
Carol: The 250th anniversary of American independence!
Gretchen: Oh! That’s important, too.
Carol: This is a big anniversary.
Sarita: Yeah, the last big one you guys are gonna be alive for.
Carol: I don’t think that was necessary.
Sarita: Do you think you two are gonna make it past 100?
Carol: I live a very healthy life.
Sarita: I’m not even sure I’ll make it to the tricentennial.
Gretchen: From what I recall, the bicentennial was a blast. What’s this one even called?
Sarita: It’s the semiquincentennial.
Gretchen: I don’t think the average American mind is smart enough to pronounce that. I know I’m not.
Carol: That reminds me, we should get Nate Bargatze to appear!
Gretchen: Would that not cost money?
Sarita: Who’s that?
Gretchen: Moms love him! As do dads who own boats.
Carol: And we live in Rhode Island, so that’s a pretty perfect match to me!
Gretchen: Why are you bringing this semi-Anthony Quinn-tennial now?
Carol: There’s no way you think that’s what it’s called.
Gretchen: Do you hate fun?
Carol: No, we just have business to get to.
Gretchen: I guess at least you’re not reminding me of my impending mortality, unlike some people.
Carol: I know we don’t usually start thinking about 4th of July celebrations until… well, the 3rd of July. But this year’s special! We can’t get caught sleeping here, this is a major deal for many Americans.
Gretchen: Well, the people themselves usually handle most of the planning for us. They’re nuts about it here. I feel like everything in this state is red, white, and blue for the whole month leading up to the Fourth.
Carol: That’s why our official capital celebration has to be elaborate.
Gretchen: Is Nate Bargatze “elaborate?”
Carol: It doesn’t have to be him. I’m just throwing out ideas. Some celebrity appearances would certainly be nice.
Sarita: What celebrities would be desperate enough to want to spent their 4th of July in Rhode Island?
Gretchen: Vanilla Ice?
Carol: No, I don’t think we’re quite that desperate.
Gretchen: Maybe we can poach some names from CNN’s annual special. That’s what I always watch for the Fourth.
Carol: No way anyone would be willing to ghost CNN this year, they’re letting Anderson and Andy host the celebration.
Gretchen: It feels important for me to point out that you were the one who brought up the idea of celebrity guests.
Carol: I think we should be realistic.
Gretchen: I thought Vanilla Ice was realistic.
Carol: I’d prefer no guests over having to listen to Ice Ice Baby back-to-back eight times, given that’s his only song.
Gretchen: I was just trying to be realistic.
Sarita: Maybe we just table this discussion for now. It’s still four months away.
Gretchen: I would be completely fine with that.
Carol: I think it’s ill-advised.
Gretchen: I don’t think it’s a big deal to get this worked out now. Brainstorm some potential ideas, we’ll revisit it soon. We have major, pressing matters to talk about now.
Carol: Yeah, I guess we still have to figure out if you’re going to endorse anyone in the primary.
Gretchen: Very true. That’s very important for us. I’m still completely lost there! Like, I really think Carrie would be great, but it would be so awkward around here if I snubbed Pratt. What to do?
Sarita: Also, we were invited to the premiere event for the Real Housewives of Rhode Island, which is tomorrow night.
Gretchen: The what now?
Carol: We’re gonna politely decline. If we don’t have time to talk July 4th, we don’t have time to worry about Bravo.
Sarita: I’ll let Andy Cohen know.
Present day…
Carol: Oh my god!
Sarita: You can’t run in like that, you scared me!
Carol: Do you know what day it is?
Sarita: The tenth day of Pride Month?
Carol: Yes, which means Independence Day is less than a month away!
Sarita: Very true.
Carol: We haven’t done any planning for it! You decided to table it!
Gretchen: I don’t think we should put all the blame on Massachusetts. You’re the chief of staff!
Carol: You’re the governor! Maybe the buck should stop with you.
Gretchen: That’s very unfair. I don’t see why planning a 4th of July party is a governor’s job, anyway. Don’t we have people for that? A party planning committee?
Carol: This is the government of Rhode Island, not Dunder Mifflin.
Gretchen: So we have no one on staff capable of making plans for the Fourth? You know, like every other year?
Carol: This one is special, we have to make sure it’s special.
Gretchen: All right. What are your grand ideas?
Carol: I think it’s probably too late to book any celebrities, but I would’ve liked to try to get some special guests. Gretchen, maybe your Real Housewives friends would want to appear!
Gretchen: I’ve been blacklisted by Bravo after dropping out of season two. I just didn’t think it was appropriate to take that role while I’m still in office. Andy Cohen disagreed! I stick to my principles regardless. ’Twas not to be.
Sarita: Aww, I was looking forward to seeing you be messy on TV. I think you would’ve been great friends with Liz.
Carol: What an awful thing to say!
Sarita: It’s true!
Carol: Okay, so the Housewives are out. Do we think it’s too late for Vanilla Ice?
Gretchen: I refuse to believe he’s ever actually busy.
Carol: All right. Esther, come here!
Esther: Reporting for duty!
Carol: Esther, reach out to some celebrities with New England ties and see if they’d be willing to appear at our 4th of July celebration.
Esther: It’s a little late, no?
Carol: No back talk!
Esther: You’re not by boss.
Carol: Your boss is retiring, but I might still have a job. So, impress me and maybe you can be my chief of staff.
Sarita: Excuse me?
Carol: I gotta motivate her somehow!
Gretchen: Maybe let’s worry about what we can actually control. We can get fireworks, we can get great decorations, we can book catering and provide beverages.
Carol: That’s all run-of-the-mill 4th of July stuff. This has to stand out!
Gretchen: Fine, we’ll get an inflatable wind dancer that looks like Thomas Jefferson. Work for you?
Carol: It’s an interesting idea! I like it!
Gretchen: What if we get a George Washington impersonator?
Sarita: Is this a 4th of July party or a second grade history assembly?
Gretchen: I thought it was a cute idea. What grand idea do you have?
Sarita: I don’t know, I’m not a party planner.
Gretchen: Okay, I think we’re good here. We’ve got this all squared away!
Carol: We’ve done nothing!
Gretchen: In my capacity as governor, I’m officially putting you in charge of 4th of July festivities! Good luck, Carol!
Carol: I have a campaign to run!
Gretchen: If anyone can do both, it’s you!
Carol: But I’d rather not do b-
Gretchen: You got this!
One month later…
Gretchen: You guys excited for today?
Christina: What’s today?
Gretchen: The 4th of July!
Christina: Oh. Nah.
Gretchen: What do you mean, “nah?” It’s 250 years of America!
Christina: I’m not very patriotic. We have the worst president of all time.
Gretchen: It’s not about him. Our country stands for far more than the guy running it at the moment. I’m not letting Brian Delphy ruin my fun on the 250th anniversary of my beloved country’s independence. Not for a second!
Christina: It’s just hard to celebrate a country I have such little belief in right now.
Gretchen: I get it, kid. Sometimes, it feels like our country’s failed. Times are tough, but it’s important to keep your head up and celebrate the good times. Tomorrow, we can get right back to the fight. It’s important to have these moments of joy.
Anthony: Plus, Carol drove your mother crazy getting her to plan this celebration.
Gretchen: That’s true. This is the hardest I’ve worked in my entire two terms as governor.
Toby: I wish grandma were here to give you a hard time for saying that.
Gretchen: Ah, so do I. She was so… unique.
Anthony: I think that’s a really good way to put it.
Gretchen: I think she’d be proud of what I was able to do, though. This is our biggest 4th of July celebration ever, even better than the bicentennial. Or so I’m told. I was obviously not born yet then.
Toby: But you’re -
Gretchen: Shh!
Anthony: I just love the Fourth. Something about a summer holiday is just so nice.
Christina: I prefer Juneteenth. We don’t have to deal with fireworks then, but we still get to barbecue.
Anthony: That’s fair. The fireworks do hurt my ears.
Gretchen: Well, take some earplugs. This year’s fireworks display is going to be so impressive. It’ll knock your socks off!
Christina: And also kill birds.
Anthony: Stop being Debbie Downer, kiddo.
Christina: But you agree with me!
Anthony: We can discuss this when your mother’s not around.
Gretchen: We got some really special guests, too. Like one of Rhode Island’s most beloved celebrity residents!
Toby: Taylor Swift!
Gretchen: Close! Meredith Vieira!
Toby: Who is that?
Anthony: She was on The View.
Toby: What’s the View?
Gretchen: You did not!
Christina: Did you get any guests that are relevant to anyone born this century?
Gretchen: Well, James Woods turned down the invitation on political grounds.
Christina: The Family Guy dude?
Gretchen: I guess that’s what you kids would know him from.
Christina: So the big celebrity guest is Meredith Vieira?
Gretchen: I think she’s swell.
Christina: It’s a shame Claus von Bulow is dead, he’d have made a great surprise guest.
Gretchen: Wow, that’s an old reference.
Christina: Reversal of Fortune is a great movie.
Toby: Who is Claus von Bulow?
Christina: You know OJ Simpson? He’s kinda like that, if OJ weren’t famous and successful before he killed his wife.
Anthony: This is not a very cheerful holiday discussion.
Christina: It’s not my fault mom’s celebration sucks.
Gretchen: It does not! You’ll just have to see it for yourself!
Christina: I’d rather not.
Gretchen: I will get you to have fun tonight!
Christina: Is that a threat or a promise?
Gretchen: Yes!
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the season finale next week!
