Marietta is at Martin and Patty Lynn’s for dinner with her family.
Eliza: So, how is everyone? It’s been a few weeks since we’ve seen you all, I’ve just been swamped at work!
Elena: Yes, my poor Eliza has spent the past month trying desperately to keep Republicans from overriding Governor Bordelon’s veto of some of the absolute worst bills to ever be written.
Tammy: Well, how many have you stopped from passing?
Eliza: I don’t want to talk about it.
Elena: Higher than zero but less than two.
Martin: Something is better than nothing!
Sarah: Ah, yes. The Democratic Party’s official motto.
Eliza: What’s everyone else been up to?
Kathleen: Patty Lynn’s been continuing her quest to drive me mad. Going impeccably.
Patty Lynn: As you can see, not much has happened lately. We did go to California!
Amy: And you left me at home. Thanks!
Tammy: I think someone needs to be happy that she’s invited to family dinners instead of pushing it!
Henrietta: Oh, lord. I feel like I’m at work again.
Eliza: Are they like this at work?
Henrietta: Worse!
Marietta: Kyle almost moved to Virginia!
Milton: Here we go…
Eliza: I have a lot of experience with moving to Virginia while expecting a child.
Henrietta: I can’t believe you let me be born in a state so boring, instead of a place of culture like here.
Eliza: Just be glad I didn’t leave you on the front step of a firehouse in Virginia. You could’ve been Little Orphan Henny.
Marietta: He’s not moving anymore, though. No thanks to Milton.
Milton: All I did was offer my home to my nephew in a time of need. Eliza’s aunt did the same thing and look how everything turned out.
Elena: Eliza’s mom didn’t talk to her aunt Serafina for ten years after that.
Eliza: They did, thankfully, patch things up eventually.
Henrietta: Right in time for aunt Serafina to die of colon cancer.
Eliza: They did have a few good years before that.
Marietta: See, Milton. You’re lucky I’m so forgiving.
Milton: Yes. “Lucky.” “Forgiving.”
Tammy: We did get some good news recently! Reggie Barrack isn’t running for mayor against Marietta!
Amy: Usually, a mayor running for re-election wouldn’t have to worry about a major challenge from a member of their own party, and yet, here we are, relieved that we narrowly dodged that bullet.
Marietta: I wasn’t scared of him.
Tammy: You sure about that?
Moira: I mean, I only sit on the city council with him and I’m scared of him. The man is a bit crazy.
Henrietta: Didn’t he spy on you? How is he not in jail.
Patty Lynn: Two systems of justice in this country, Henrietta. One for the poor and defenseless, and the other for the mildly-influential city councilors. They can do whatever they want without the risk of punishment!
Kathleen: Must we talk politics at the dinner table? I really don’t want to think about all those greedy opportunists.
Marietta: We’re in the same boat! I also don’t want to think about them! Especially when Reggie isn’t even an issue anymore. Let’s just forget him altogether!
Martin: Okay, let’s talk about something else. Anyone watch anything fun on TV lately?
Kathleen: Martin, we don’t want to talk about Abbott Elementary again.
Marietta: I’m up for that!
Henrietta: We have been watching a lovely show on HBO Max about Julia Child.
Martin: So have we! She’s a treasure.
Eliza: I wanted to make coq au vin and bring it today, but Elena said that sounded inappropriate.
Elena: We all know what it sounds like.
Eliza: But some of us are mature enough not to laugh at it as if we’re grade schoolers.
Patty Lynn: I hope the crab étouffée is still to your liking. Worked hard on it! All day, actually.
Eliza: I hope I didn’t offend you, your food is incredible as always.
Kathleen: She’ll get over it.
Patty Lynn: Maybe we can make one of Julia Child’s recipes at next week’s dinner.
Eliza: That would be great.
Henrietta: I want to see this. It’s gonna be funny as hell.
Sarah: I should film it for America’s Funniest Home Videos.
Marietta: God, these are always so fun when we’re all drunk.
Sarah: I’m not drunk!
Marietta: You’re the only one!
Three days later, at City Hall…
Amy: Marissa! Moira! I’m sorry, Marietta and Tammy are out. They didn’t bring Henrietta or I, I guess we can’t be trusted to not eat too many beignets.
Henrietta: I think they just wanted us to watch the offie in case anyone stopped by, like right now.
Amy: You always have the answers, don’t you?
Henrietta: I guess I’m just that good.
Marissa: We’re actually here for you, Amy.
Amy: Ooh! The intrigue!
Henrietta: Make no mistake, this will be going to her head.
Moira: We knew the risks of that.
Marissa: Okay, so you know how Reggie is not running for mayor against Marietta?
Amy: Do I know? We chugged champagne over it!
Marissa: Yeah, that was premature?
Amy: This man is a damn nuisance.
Marissa: Imagine working with him!
Amy: I don’t have to, I did for seven years.
Marissa: I always forget that he’s been terrorizing New Orleans for so long.
Amy: He and Amy got along quite famously for most of her time on the council. He endorsed her campaign for mayor and everything.
Henrietta: Can’t believe he resisted the urge to endorse a Republican.
Amy: Yes, well that was before I got “woke.”
Moira: Yeah, Amy basically was a Republican. She palled around with Betty Benoit, for Christ’s sake!
Marietta: May God rest her soul.
Amy: My behavior on that campaign was an unfortunate misstep - er, series of missteps that I do not wish to relive. None of it is relevant to this. What are you here to tell me about Reginald?
Marissa: He’s not running because one of his closest buddies is running instead, and without all that added baggage from the spying scandal.
Amy: So some rich Republican -
Moira: Democrat
Amy: Some rich Republican who’s friends with a city councilor wants to swoop in and buy the mayorship?
Henrietta: Why didn’t Amy think of that?!?
Marissa: He’s extremely wealthy and well-connected in this city’s political circles. He can pose a real threat to Marietta.
Moira: Self-funders are always an absolute pain to deal with.
Marissa: We just want you to take this seriously. He’s announcing his campaign on Friday.
Amy: I genuinely do appreciate the notice. How’d you find out, though?
Henrietta: And why’d you want to tell Amy and not Marietta?
Moira: Marietta gets… emotional. She throws tantrums.
Amy: We’re aware.
Marissa: Reggie has a very big and loud mouth. He was talking about it with Pat, they’re both going to appear at the campaign kickoff
Amy: Well, we’ll try and find some dirt on this guy to try and keep him from gaining any ground. With any luck, he’ll be a tax evader.
Henrietta:
Marissa: Kent Egerton.
Henrietta: Even his name makes him sound like a pompous douche.
Amy: He sounds like a character from Dawson’s Creek. Maybe he can run for mayor of Martha’s Vineyard if this campaign fails.
Henrietta: Don’t mind her, she uses jokes to cope with fear.
Moira: I’m well aware of Amy’s coping mechanisms. She practically turned into Joan Rivers near the end of her 2019 campaign for mayor.
Amy: Can we talk?
Moira: About?
Amy: That was my Joan Rivers impression!
Moira: Gonna need a bit of work before you try out for America’s Got Talent.
Marissa: Now that you know everything, we’d better get going.
Moira: Yeah, we can’t risk running into Marietta. She is a talker.
One hour later…
Amy: Marietta, my dear fri-
Marietta: What did you do? Henrietta, what did she do?
Amy: Nothing! I did nothing!
Tammy: You’re good at that.
Amy: Marissa and Moira stopped by with some information!
Marietta: Oh really? You should’ve told them to stick around until I was back!
Amy: You were gone an hour and a half, I don’t think it would be right to make them wait so long. They did say they were so sad to miss you, though!
Marietta: I’ll have to give them a call then.
Amy: Anyway, they wanted you to know that you have a new primary challenger who is announcing on Friday.
Marietta: Is it Pat? That ass…
Amy: It’s not Pat. He has no charisma, even he knows he couldn’t beat you. It’s some rich friend of Reggie’s.
Henrietta: I did some research on him. He’s a big business executive who dabbles in real estate on the side.
Marietta: So he’s a crook? I could infer that from the fact that he’s Reggie’s friend, but this is nice confirmation.
Henrietta: There’s no proof of that in anything I’ve found.
Tammy: Well, keep digging! What if we break into his office and wiretap him?
Marietta: Tammy, that’s what they did in Watergate. Nixon went down for that.
Amy: I’m shocked that someone of your age could forget about Watergate.
Tammy: Nixon was sloppy! We wouldn’t get caught! Plus, we’ve got Henrietta. She’s pretty, she can distract the security guards!
Marietta: Does anyone have any plans here that don’t involve committing a felony and using Henrietta as a sex object?
Tammy: I didn’t say she had to have sex with them! Just show a litt-
Marietta: No!
Henrietta: This conversation has taken a turn I do not like.
Marietta: Let’s bring it back to destroying my enemies!
Tammy: I gave you a foolproof plan!
Marietta: You’re drunk!
Tammy: I haven’t had a single drink today.
Marietta: You’re acting drunk!
Amy: Let’s just not worry about this for today. We have plenty of time to focus on Egerton in the future.
Marietta: Who’s Egerton?
Amy: Joel Egerton. The person running against you.
Marietta: Sounds like a douche.
Henrietta: That’s what Amy said!
Amy: And I stand by my words.
Tammy: So, what’s on the docket for today?
Marietta: I’m sure Henrietta knows.
Later that day, at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…
Martin: Hey there honey, I’ll go tell Sarah to get her things together and come down.
Marietta: Don’t bug her, I have things to talk about.
Kathleen: Oh boy…
Marietta: Yeah, oh boy.
Patty Lynn: What happened today? Did your brother do something?
Marietta: This is not about Milton. For a change.
Kathleen: Amy? Or Tammy? It’s not Henrietta, she’s normal. Right?
Marietta: I-
Martin: Wait, let me guess! Was it Marvin?
Kathleen: Martin, why would our brother be causing problems for Marietta?
Martin: I don’t know! I just wanted to feel included!
Sarah: It was Reggie, right?
Marietta: You’re closest! You win!
Sarah: What do I win? A car?
Marietta: You get to leave the room before I tell the story if I want.
Sarah: Nah. I came down from upstairs for a reason. I need context on why you’re going to drink an entire bottle of wine tonight.
Marietta: Okay, so you guys know how Reggie Barrack isn’t running for mayor against me?
Patty Lynn: Why would anyone run against you? You’re doing so great!
Marietta: I agree.
Kathleen: I think Saddam Hussein’s mom used that same argument.
Marietta: Anyway, Amy found out today that one of Reggie’s extremely wealthy friends is launching a campaign against me.
Kathleen: How rich are we talking?
Marietta: He could buy me if he really wanted to.
Kathleen: Well, you’ve had a good four years, haven’t you?
Marietta: Oh, god, I’m gonna be a loser again! I don’t wanna be a loser!
Patty Lynn: Calm down, Lesley Gore. It’s going to be okay.
Sarah: Who is Lesley Gore?
Kathleen: She was like the Olivia Rodrigo of the 1960s.
Martin: I don’t think you should worry about this just yet. Plenty of obscenely rich idiots have run for office and didn’t make so much as a splash.
Marietta: He can pay everyone in the city a couple grand just to vote for him!
Martin: Well, that’d be illegal.
Patty Lynn: Plus, that one weird guy tried that in the 2020 primaries and he only ended up winning American Samoa. Money only gets you so far when your opponent has charisma!
Marietta: I don’t know if he has charisma, I’ve never seen him speak in public before.
Patty Lynn: I meant you have charisma!
Marietta: Aww, that’s sweet.
Sarah: He’s running as a Democrat? And he’s friends with Reggie? What Democrat would be friends with Reggie?
Patty Lynn: Stranger things have happened! Your aunt managed to befriend Amy!
Martin: We should stop worrying about what could happen and talk about what good things did happen! What positive things happened to you today?
Kathleen: Having to see us is not one of them.
Martin: Kathleen, stop!
Kathleen: It was a joke!
Marietta: Tammy and I had a nice lunch. That is all. Everything else sucked.
Sarah: And you and Tammy can still have lunches together when you lose re-election!
Patty Lynn: I will ground you!
Sarah: Please do, I beg of you.
Marietta: Okay, time to go home. Someone needs a nap, clearly.
Kathleen: It’s you, isn’t it?
Marietta: You see what I gotta deal with. You’d need a nap, too.
Later that night, at the Mayor’s Mansion…
Sarah: I’m going to bed, aunt Marietta. See you tomorrow morning.
Marietta: A little early, don’t you think?
Sarah: Well, I’m going to watch a little TV first on my phone. Then bed.
Marietta: Don’t stay up too late.
Sarah: A little early, don’t stay up too late… which is it?
Marietta: Each day, you remind me why I only had one child.
Sarah: That was harsh.
Marietta: Harsh, but fair!
Marietta picks up the phone and calls Kate and Ellie.
Marietta: Oh, you girls are never going to believe this!
Ellie: What did Milton do?
Marietta: Why does everyone’s mind always jump to Milton?
Ellie: Because we know him
Kate: What is actually going on, though? You usually wouldn’t call us this late, so it must be serious.
Ellie: Is Kyle planning to move again? Or did you need advice on how to get your dada to move into a retirement community?
Marietta: I never asked that.
Ellie: Oh, right. That was someone else.
Kate: Poor Marjorie’s dad will never know what hit him.
Marietta: I have a primary challenger!
Kate: Oh…
Ellie: That’s it? I thought someone was dead or at the very least, severely ill.
Marietta: I’m in panic mode, girls! This guy is rich and well-connected in politics and he can sink me. I just know it! The last time I ran, it was against Amy. Not a big threat, you know?
Kate: You’re mean to that woman.
Marietta: She’s mean first!
Ellie: Who even is this guy running? I’m sure it’ll be fine! Incumbents never lose primaries.
Marietta: It’s not only a primary, though. If we’re the top two, we face each other in the general. Presumably, the Republicans would support him.
Ellie: How many Republicans are there in New Orleans? Six?
Marietta: Enough to give me a headache! I’m very stressed about this.
Ellie: When are you not stressed?
Kate: Ellie…
Ellie: Joking helps lighten the mood!
Kate: Marietta, I know how much my advice means to you.
Ellie: She treats you like some wise old sage. You’re her Yoda.
Kate: I want you to know that I am not worried for you. You’re going to be fine. You were a three-term Democratic senator from Louisiana! You are an electoral powerhouse who can dispatch a challenge even from someone with a lot of money to burn. Worry about your job and let your campaign staff deal with the primary. It’s not for another year, anyway.
Marietta: My campaign staff? You mean Tammy and Amy?
Kate: And Henrietta! They’ll take care of this for you. You go about your mayoral duties.
Ellie: Yeah, gotta get as much done while you’re still in office!
Kate: Not helpful!
Ellie: I’m not here for help. I’m here for comic relief.
Kate: You fill that position pretty well.
Marietta: I appreciate both of you! Ellie’s nonsense takes my mind off things, Kate actually helps me move past the problem. I’m going to try to not worry about this guy and go about my business.
Kate: I’m proud of you!
Marietta: If I start slipping, though, I will need to do something about it. Milton won’t let me live it down if I win less mayoral terms than he did.
Kate: If that would ever happen, then fight like hell to keep your job. I know it will not come to that, though. Now, drink your wine, relax, watch some TV. You’ve earned it.
Marietta: How do you know I’m drinking wine?
Kate: I’ve met you.
The next day, at Marietta’s office…
Tammy: Marietta! Where have you been? It’s late!
Marietta: I’m a little hungover, I’m sorry.
Amy: Egerton went rogue! He announced his campaign today.
Marietta: It’s so early, though. It’s -
Amy: Eleven AM.
Marietta: Ah, damn. My power went off last night, messed up my alarm clock.
Amy: Either way, the campaign’s announced, and he is going hard. Henrietta, play him the surprise video endorsement.
Henrietta: Trigger warning, this may may you nauseous.
Marietta: I’m already nauseous, so go ahead.
Henrietta hits play on the video on her phone.
Dede: Hello, I’m Vice President Dede Ducovney!
Marietta: Ugh.
Dede: I’m here today to talk to you about patriotism.
Marietta: What is she talking about? Why are you showing me this?
Henrietta: Yeah, she goes on about this for a while. Let me skip forward.
Dede: That’s why I’m here to endorse a great American patriot. Kent Egerton is a bipartisan dealmaker like me -
Marietta: Bipartisan? That old hag?
Tammy: Marietta! I’m older than her!
Marietta: You don't look like Witch Hazel, though.
Dede: Kent can get things done. He can move past the partisan squabbling caused by the current administration, and bring civility back to New Orleans. I’m a Republican -
Henrietta: A great thing to remind the voters of NEW ORLEANS!
Amy: Calm down, hon.
Dede: and Kent is a Democrat. He didn’t vote for me, but he has moxie. He can be a mayor for all of us. As a part-time resident of the city, and as a full-time American, he will make us all proud. He has unequivocal endorsement and I hope you will all give him a shot. New Orleans deserves better. New Orleans deserves Kent.
Henrietta: And that’s that.
Marietta: It’s nice to know Dede’s clearly on our side. She couldn’t be under the impression her endorsement will help anyone in this city. Kate was right, no need to worry. As Dua Lipa says, we’re good!
Tammy: Don’t count your chicks just yet… his announcement speech rose some real questions.
Marietta: Such as?
Tammy: Henrietta, you read it.
Henrietta: This is an excerpt from his announcement speech as it’s typed in The New York Times. So, you know, bound to be a few technical errors.
Tammy: Ooh, burn!
Henrietta: Again, this is what he said today. He added no further context. “I am in possession of some shocking information about Mayor Landfield that should disqualify her from continuing to serve this term, let alone another! Wait until you hear this.” He then moved on.
Amy: The hell is he talking about?
Marietta: Damned if I know, girls. Let’s get to work.
What did you think of the season finale of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, listen to the official playlist and make sure to catch the midseason premiere of spinoff series Raymond Island next week! Marietta will return this fall for season five!
