Bake Your Heart Out Season 8 Episode 1
Leslie is on vacation in the French Riviera when she receives a call from Paul.
Leslie: Pierre, I gotta take this. Don’t go anywhere!
Pierre: I will be right here beneath this tree, don’t worry.
Leslie: I can always count on you, Pierre.
Leslie answers her phone.
Leslie: Paul, what could this possibly be about? I’m on vacation, I’m enjoying time with my… I don’t know what to call him, but it’s my most serious relationship in at least a decade, so make this quick.
Paul: Leslie, you know how I have a clause in all of your contracts that allows me to order up to three specials per calendar year in exchange for paying you all and and a half times your per-salary rate, but I only ever make you do Christmas specials to avoid inconveniencing you? Well… that’s changing.
Leslie: Changing how? Don’t piss me off, Paul.
Paul: It’s a big year for our country. Obviously, it’s the 250th anniversary of American Independence, and every network is planning some sort of celebration to commemorate it.
Leslie: So how does this involve Bake Your Heart Out? You want us to do a patriotic special about how much America rocks?
Paul: Pretty much, yeah.
Leslie: I’m in France right now! I’m not coming back!
Paul: Never?
Leslie: Not to film this!
Paul: It’s still weeks away. I have a lot to plan, and I have to secure the location. You can even work remotely for now on arranging the details.
Leslie: Ugh… fine. I’ll make plans to leave my hot, younger French boyfriend behind and come back to watch people bake crumpets.
Paul: You seem pretty bitter for a girl getting paid millions of dollars.
Leslie: Did you just paraphrase an Olivia Rodrigo album title to me?
Paul: Diana keeps talking about it in the group chat.
Leslie: Who added you to the group chat?
Paul: Diane.
Leslie: How times have changed.
Paul: So, here’s the plan so far: we’re going to film it at Monticello if we can. It makes perfect sense, since Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence. He was also a huge food enthusiast - ironically enough, it was largely inspired by his time in France! So you have that in common with him.
Leslie: Some would say I had a greater net contribution to society.
Paul: Such as?
Leslie: I don’t know, senile grandmas watching Bake Your Heart Out repeats all day long.
Paul: I think this is going to be a blast for you guys.
Leslie: Oh, I’m sure. The cast is going to love having their time off interrupted for this.
Paul: Speaking of the cast… I’m gonna need you to call them up and tell them about it.
Leslie: Oh, no! Absolutely not! This is not getting blamed on me, I’m as pissed as any of them will be! Have Jacqueline do it!
Paul: That’s brilliant! I should give you a raise!
Leslie: I agree.
Paul: You’re not getting one, but I should give you one.
Later that day…
Diane: Sam, what’s going on?
Sam: Are you not outraged?
Diane: About what? What did the president do?
Sam: Nothing. Well, probably something. But did you not get the call from Jacqueline?
Diane: I thought we dealt with her last season.
Sam: Last season?
Diane: Yeah, in winter. We filmed a new cycle of episodes with her overseeing us and now we’re free of her.
Sam: That was a really odd way to word that, I can’t lie.
Diane: So what did she have to say?
Sam: Did you not get a call?
Diane: No! Did I not make that clear?
Sam: Oh my god, did they forget about you?
Diane: My phone did ring earlier, I just didn’t answer because I was outside in the pool.
Sam: Oh, good. I would feel bad if they just fired you suddenly or something.
Diane: They would never fire me! It went disastrously when I left.
Sam: When we left. I’m the draw.
Diane: We are equally the draw.
Sam: 80/20, that’s as far as I’ll go.
Diane: So, again, what did Jacqueline say?
Sam: She said the network made the decision, so not to blame her.
Diane: Of course I don’t blame her, I know nobody respects her or listens to her ideas.
Sam: We have to go to Virginia to film a 4th of July special in May.
Diane: In May? We don’t start filming again until July! Why not film it closer to then?
Sam: Apparently they need time to edit it and get it ready for TV.
Diane: That sounds like a convenient excuse. They just like torturing us!
Sam: I’m not happy myself. Nicolle and I have been enjoying some time to just relax and spend time together.
Nicolle: I told you, now that I’m doing freelance work, I can travel with you. We don’t need to spend every waking second of your break together.
Sam: But I just love spending time with you so much!
Diane: This is how it begins, Sam. One minute they want a little space, the next, they’re dead in the San Francisco Bay in the same car as their mistress.
Sam: Why do you talk about this like it’s a universal experience?
Diane: Is it not?
Sam: I think you might be the only person it’s ever happened to. But we’re straying from the point, which is that we need to - like Thomas Jefferson - rise up against network tyranny and fight back against being recalled to work two months earlier than expected!
One month later…
Charlotte: This is the dinkiest little airport I’ve ever seen!
Garry: Oh, it’s not that bad!
Charlotte: We had to circle in the air for an hour because there were too many planes on the runway already. There were two other planes.
Frances: Some of us didn’t grow up spoiled rotten and were completely fine with it.
Carly: I don’t know, I’m on Charlotte’s side. Could they not have just let us fly into Richmond, which has an actual airport?
Diane: I can not believe some of you are complaining about the airport!
Leslie: I know, some of us are still upset about just having to be here at all!
Sam: I’m sorry. I just can’t let it go anymore. Leslie, you look like a tomato!
Charlotte: It’s pronounced “to-mah-to.”
Sam: Not in this world!
Leslie: I fell asleep sunbathing on my last day in the French Riviera. I had to fly back to the United States in pain the entire time, unable to apply any aloe for the entire ten-hour flight.
Sam: Don’t take it out on me, I’m not the idiot who fell asleep at the beach without any sunscreen on, I’m just the one cracking jokes about it!
Leslie: It’s not funny, Sam.
Diane: I heard something about a boyfriend in the group chat. How’d that happen?
Leslie: It’s not serious. We aren’t official.
Sam: You’re too old to be talking like that. You’re not in middle school. “Official…”
Leslie: We’re leaving things open, but I do care for Pierre.
Sam: Pierre? You’re dating the capital of South Dakota?
Leslie: He’s a lovely man.
Jacqueline: Am I allowed to walk with the group yet?
Sam: No! Get back! In fact, Garry, you get back, too!
Diane: Garry, don’t listen to her!
Garry: I kinda just don’t want to hear it. It’s best to give in to her demands to avoid rocking the boat.
Sam: You are just pathetic.
Frances: Are we going to have to hear about this all week?
Sam: All week? We’re here three days. Four tops. How long can it take to film one hour-long special?
Frances: I’m sure they’ll find a way to stretch it out.
Leslie: Not on my watch!
Sam: Thank you, Rock Lobster.
The next day…
Jacqueline: You know, I just don’t understand why you Americans are all so excited for this 250th anniversary. All it is is an anniversary of when you Americans wrote a temper tantrum on a piece of paper. Saying you were independent didn’t actually mean you were.
Diane: And yet, we are currently independent.
Jacqueline: I just find the holiday silly. I find this anniversary silly. I don’t want to be here!
Leslie: None of us do! We were all supposed to be on vacation! At least you were still going to be working one way or another.
Frances: I don’t think this is so bad. I love history.
Sam: You sound like Garry!
Frances: Are we going to get a tour of the house before the contestants arrive, or no? Because if not, I’m gonna have to make sure to buy a ticket for a tour before we leave.
Leslie: I’m sure the network can arrange a tour for you.
Jacqueline: We’ll talk about that later.
Sam: So where are we going to be baking, exactly?
Jacqueline: They’ve set up a tent on the grounds, and the bakers will join us there.
Sam: We’re baking in a tent? That might be acceptable in jolly old England, but not here in America, where freedom exists!
Charlotte: I’m conflicted on how to feel about this whole celebration. On the one hand, being British is a critical part of my identity. On the other, so is being an Oscar winner, and the Oscars are famously American.
Sam: Yeah, I can understand that struggle.
Jacqueline: Just so you’re aware, you guys are going to be joined by a guest judge.
Frances: What now?
Charlotte: They don’t take too kindly to guest judges. I’ve been there.
Frances: And you’re still here, and we’ve come to accept it!
Diane: We’re so glad you’re here.
Charlotte: Thank you. It’s nice to hear that sometimes.
Sam: Yes, because the Oscar-winning movie star isn’t coddled nearly enough!
Jacqueline: The network wants to ensure this really feels like a celebration of America’s beginnings, so to ensure historical accuracy, there’s going to be a Thomas Jefferson impersonator, the top in his field, joining you as a judge.
Garry: Where is his culinary experience?
Sam: This is a long bus ride, right? How far can the house be from the visitor center? Maybe… build it closer to avoid the shuttle at all?
Diane: Shh!
Jacqueline: He’s only judging on historical accuracy. Mr. Jameson is renowned for his knowledge of Jefferson’s life and era, and he knows how Jefferson’s favorite desserts are intended to be prepared.
Frances: Interesting.
Sam: Remember, guys: we’re doing this for America. So wipe those frowns off your faces!
Charlotte: I just don’t think this is appropriate. No one without culinary expertise - besides me - belongs in our kitchen.
Sam: So you’re trying to tell Thomas Jefferson he doesn’t belong in the episode we’re filming on the grounds of his house?
Charlotte: He’s not actually Thomas Jefferson, Sam.
Jacqueline: No, but he is only going to respond as if he is.
Charlotte: Lovely.
Frances: Well, it’s a special episode. I guess we can have some special rules for the occasion.
Leslie: I’m starting to get a little bit excited for this. It’s different from what we always do. We’re branching out, it’s nice!
Sam: Don’t be a Benedict Arnold. Not this close to 250.
Leslie: Apologies. I forgot we were all supposed to be miserable and angry the entire week.
Sam: Three days!
What did you think of the season premiere of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
