Betty: Oh my god, you guys! You are never going to believe who we met today at the boutique!
Frank: You seem excited, so… a socialist?
Teri: Shut up, Frank!
Betty: So, I’m at the register, Mitchell’s unpacking inventory, and Karl is on break in the back, and in comes -
Tammi: Alicia Spanheim.
Betty: Nah, we’re friends, a meeting with her isn’t a big deal anymore.
Velma: She’ll be crushed to hear that.
Betty: I met, we all met, a living legend of reality TV. Boston Rob!
Teri: Boston Rob?
Betty: From Survivor!
Teri: You walked in acting like you met Meryl Streep. Your big news is you met the guy in the Red Sox hat from Survivor?
Betty: He’s a big deal!
Teri: I’m glad you’re excited about it.
Ralph: What a passive-aggressive thing to say.
Teri: There was no aggression. Just some mild annoyance.
Betty: So who does care about me meeting a major TV celebrity?
Danielle: I don’t know if I’d say “major.” He was one contestant on a popular TV show.
Betty: Five times! He found love on an abandoned island! I love love!
Teri: We know. You still give us updates on the couple from the last season of Big Brother.
Betty: Still going strong! You know how much I hate Twitter now because of the rocket man, but that’s the only way to follow along with all my favorite reality TV people.
Teri: We need to. Get the writers and the actors back to work, this is getting bad.
Ralph: They’re already back, the shows are coming soon. Thank god, I’m just glad it’s happening before she discovered The Challenge.
Betty: Anyway, Boston Rob - or Rob, as I call him - and I chatted for a while. He’s lovely, he was going on a road trip and got lost in Lakey and wanted to ask for directions. Amber was in the car, didn’t get to meet her but he bought some lovely earring for her.
Teri: Wow, he must be a cheapskate if he’s buying earrings at your place!
Karl: Enough.
Mitchell: He liked me. He said I have spunk.
Jerry: What is he, Lou Grant?
Karl: To be fair, he walked in just as Mitchell saved a whole shelf of blouses from falling on the ground. That took some quick thinking, it was the most valuable thing he’s done at the shop in months.
Mitchell: He said I showed the instincts one needs to win Survivor.
Teri: Ah, yes, take it from the guy who took four tries to get a win. Expert!
Mitchell: He won! You’ve never won Survivor!
Velma: I wish he’d never said that to you. Now we’re going to hear about it for the next couple decades until I eventually kill him.
Cindy: I do sense that this will get annoying quickly.
Betty: Mitchell’s not the main story here. I met Boston Rob!
Cindy: All three of you did, no?
Betty: Yes, but I’m the only one who was smart enough to ask for a picture with him.
Karl: I did too, but you were too busy talking his ear off to actually take the picture.
Betty: That doesn’t sound like me. Rob must’ve just wanted to talk to me.
Karl: He seemed like he was in a hurry to go, I think he just stayed to talk to be nice.
Betty: Nope, he found me fascinating.
Mitchell: Yet, he never told you to apply for Survivor.
Betty: He didn’t tell you, either. He just said you could win. He was flattering you.
Mitchell: Just like when he pretended to like your earrings!
Teri: Oh my god, they’re arguing over who the reality TV man liked better, this is so pathetic.
Tammi: Oh, Steven! You’re home!
Steven: I’ve… been home?
Tammi: How was your date with Alysa at the bowling alley?
Steven: That was like three days ago. I told you about it already.
Tammi: Come on, kid, throw me a bone here. This conversation is killing all of us.
Steven: It was great, we had a lot of fun, Alysa even let us bowl without the bumpers up this time. She beat me, too.
Danielle: Can we go on the next bowling date? And can it be now?
Steven: Huh? It’s eight o’clock and a Tuesday.
Danielle: Come on, you're a teenager! You people love staying up late when you shouldn’t!
Teri: We just desperately want to avoid further Boston Bob talk.
Mitchell: Boston Rob!
Teri: Whatever!
Betty: We won’t talk about it anymore. Let’s just eat dinner.
Ralph: Think of it this way, guys: she could’ve been complaining about Anita.
Betty: I refuse to do that anymore. The kids are in love, we’re basically family now. We both respect this.
Teri: This would require personal growth from the both of you. Not buying it!
Jerry: She still tries to push Frank down the stairs every time she walks by him in the morning.
Frank: She does what?
Betty: He’s lying. I’ve watched Death Becomes Her far too many times to ever choose death by stairs as my murder method of choice.
Later that night, when Velma goes to bed…
Velma: Why are you awake yet? Don’t get any ideas.
Mitchell: Hello, my lovely wife. Welcome to our marital bed.
Velma: Don’t say it like that. You sound like a creeper.
Mitchell: Don’t ask me why I’m awake with such disgust in your voice.
Velma: Here we go. Don’t start this before bed.
Mitchell: I’m not starting anything. I just wanted to ask your advice on something, actually. Will you respond fairly?
Velma: When am I ever anything but fair?
Mitchell: That’s a trick question if I’ve ever heard one.
Velma: Ask it, but make it quick. I’m ready to zonk out. It was a long day. I had to be on Teri’s Pictionary team.
Mitchell: I’m going to apply for Survivor.
Velma: You’re kidding.
Mitchell: No! I thought about what Rob told me today, I thought about my own survival skills. You know, I was in the Army back in the day.
Velma: You did Army training. You served, you dropped out.
Mitchell: Still, I learned stuff! I could do well!
Velma: Honey, have you met you?
Mitchell: Yes! I’ve got a pretty impressive background.
Velma: Eh.
Mitchell: You married me!
Velma: And even I wouldn’t pick you! Why would Jeff Probst pick you?
Mitchell: I have personality. I have spunk.
Velma: Listen, Mary Tyler Moore, that’s great, but you’re fifty years old, you’re out of shape, you don’t move much. Unless they’re in the market for someone not eliminate first, I don’t know if it’s worth the trip to whatever island they’re filming on these days.
Mitchell: Fiji.
Velma: Fiji, huh? Don’t they do loved one visits on there? Maybe you should send a tape in.
Mitchell: So you think you have a shot at Fiji, now you want me to apply?
Velma: Yes.
Mitchell: Then I’ll do it. Happy wife, happy life.
Velma: Promise me one thing: if you get on, you will not embarrass me. No controversial remarks, no laziness, no trash-talking me because you think it’s “funny.” Give them no material they could use to make you look like the clown you so often are!
Mitchell: I won’t. I’ll be on my best behavior.
Velma: Okay, I guess you’re doing this. If it’s your dream and all, how could I say no?
Mitchell: This is exciting!
Velma: Yeah, now get in bed. Or sleep on the couch if you’re gonna be up much longer. I’m turning the lights off.
Mitchell: Even your mood can’t bring me down!
Velma: The hell’s that supposed to mean?
Mitchell: Nothing!
The next day…
Mitchell: Guys, big news!
Ralph: Divorce time? Congrats, Velma!
Mitchell: Why would I announce that excitedly?
Frank: We’ve seen all the names she calls you, who wouldn’t be excited to be free?
Betty: You’d cry if you stopped getting to hang out with me. Mitchell would be the same way.
Frank: I would not cry!
Betty: What an ass.
Frank: What did I do?
Teri: I, uh… actually, this time, you didn’t do anything. She’s grumpy in the morning.
Betty: I am not!
Mitchell: Anyway, if I’m allowed to talk now, me and Velma talked it over and I’m going to apply to be on Survivor!
Teri: Ha! Good one, Mitch!
Mitchell: Not a joke! I think I could be a really good fit on the show.
Teri: You’re gonna die out there.
Jerry: I support you, Mitchell. Survivor’s a great show, it gave us Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
Betty: Ugh.
Jerry: She’s great.
Teri: You just think she’s hot.
Jerry: She’s a very well-informed, well-spoken woman who doesn’t give in.
Teri: And, you know… Fox News eye candy.
Karl: Can we stop talking about Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Your mother’s about to start convulsions.
Ralph: The Elisabeth/Rosie years on The View were very traumatic for her and all her fellow moms out there.
Mitchell: Steven, you’re good with computers, right?
Steven: Sorry, can’t hear you!
Mitchell: Can anyone else help me with my video? I know how to film it, but how do I get it on the computer?
Frank: I can help with that!
Mitchell: Thank you!
Teri: Well, you’re about to get rejected. No way Jeff Probst won’t be put off by the stench of a Frank-produced application video.
Frank: Do you think so little of me that you doubt I’ll even be able to hold up a camera?
Teri: Yes.
Frank: That’s hurtful.
Karl: What are you going to say on your video?
Mitchell: I’m just gonna be myself!
Cindy: I guess that’s a good strategy.
Teri: Ah, man, I was looking forward to a month without Mitchell. A shame he’s about to tank his own chances. By acting like himself and filming it.
Karl: Don’t be rude.
Mitchell: Do you really think I should put on an act?
Teri: If you want to get cast, yeah!
Karl: Do not! You have a great personality, you’re fun, you’re different, just be you.
Mitchell: Just to be safe, I’m gonna go get some camping gear at the store to make myself look the part.
Karl: Do you camp?
Mitchell: Never once in my life.
Karl: Ah, Mitchell.
Mitchell: They always say, dress to impress! Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to the store. The deadline for Survivor applications is in three days, so I have to hurry with this!
Mitchell runs out the door.
Cindy: I’ll be the one to say it, I guess: what an idiot.
Tammi: We were all thinking it.
Teri: I said it to his face.
Betty: Why would he…?
Steven: I lied about not hearing him, I just don’t want him to die out there. He would die out there.
Frank: Jeff would never let that happen.
Teri: Jeff will probably be the one to kill him!
Velma: Hence why I told him to audition! Not only do I get to get rid of him, I also get to sue the hell out of CBS!
Teri: We’re all going to pretend we never heard that when it’s time to testify in court.
Cindy: You guys know I love Mitchell, and, as a Christian, I don’t like to gossip about anyone behind their back. However… he would get eaten alive out there!
Teri: You don’t have to tell us.
Cindy: He’s a nice guy, but we’ve all seen him around the house. He just kinda lays there. He thinks they’ll put up with him on Survivor? He’s getting voted right out!
Velma: I agree, but that’s why I’m not pushing back on it. I mean, he won’t be out there nearly long enough to actually hurt himself or anything. I gotta let him sow his wild oats so I don’t have to hear about how I didn’t let him for the rest of my life.
Frank: I think you're all being way too negative.
Karl: Exactly! He’s not totally useless, he could last two, maybe three eliminations before they kick him off.
Danielle: Maybe we should be nicer. Sure, he’s going to embarrass us, and himself, but on the plus side: they’re probably not gonna put him on the show anyway. I don’t watch it, so I don’t know what they look for in applicants, but I think anyone with half a brain will watch him pretend to be an expert camper and know it’s an act. He wouldn’t even sleep in the TV when we went on our trip to Maine.
Teri: Exactly. We have nothing to worry about.
Later that day…
Mitchell: Okay, Frank. We’re gonna film this now. Don’t talk, cough, laugh, anything during the video. Just hold the camera steady for me.
Frank: I got it! Start whenever you’d like!
Mitchell: Hey there, Survivor! I’m Mitchell Bellwood, I’m forty-six years old, and I am a retail worker from Lakey, Virginia. I am a Survivor fan from the start, I’ve always watched it and said “I can that!” and my wife has never really agreed with that. Finally, though, after twenty years, I decided to prove her wrong and show the world that I can! I’m a diligent worker, a hard worker, I love being part of a team, but I’m also willing to do what it takes to get to the end as individual. I’ve watched all these Survivor greats go on this show and scheme and plot their way to the end, and I’ve picked up on some strategy from them, but trust me, getting through life itself is hard enough. I’ve done just about every job there is - I was an electrician, I worked at a movie theater, I was a substitute teacher, I’ve worked hospital blood drives, I went through military training… all that has shaped the person I am today. It’s through my own personal experiences that I really learned how to be a survivor. So everything I’ve gone through in my life, I’m going to use that to my advantage to win. I live in a house with my entire family, there are twelve of us, so I’m very used to keeping in close quarters with a whole bunch of people. In fact, I feel like I already live on a Survivor tribe. I’m ready for this. Now, I gotta go start up my fire and secure my tent, because I’m on a camping excursion.
Velma: Mitchell! Are you done yet?
Mitchell: Bye, everyone!
Velma: Answer me!
Mitchell: You can edit out her yelling, right?
Frank: Yep. I think. Maybe I should ask Steven. Wait… I forgot to hit record.
Mitchell: When I get on Survivor, I have to find someone smarter to make an alliance with.
The next day…
Mitchell: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Betty: Is someone dead
Karl: Why’s that always your first guess?
Betty: I’m just hoping it’s Anita!
Ralph: Didn’t you say you were done hating on her?
Betty: Yeah, then she pissed me off again.
Mitchell: Guys! Survivor contacted me! They liked my video, they want to meet with me over Zoom. What is Zoom?
Cindy: Good lord.
Teri: Clearly, Boston Bob put in a good word for you!
Velma: Let’s just hope that using a computer isn’t the first immunity challenge, or you are screwed.
Mitchell: No, really! What is it?
Steven: It’s basically like what you older people called Skype.
Mitchell: What is Skype?
Steven: He’s hopeless.
Frank: I’ll help you.
Mitchell: I had to record my application video twice because of you, you’ve done enough.
Teri: I think it would be really funny if you somehow wound up on Survivor, so, I’ll help you. I’ll walk you through Zoom.
Mitchell: Thank you! This is amazing, this is really happening!
Velma: And we’re all sooooo excited!
Ralph: I can’t believe I know a guy who’s gonna be the first person voted off of Survivor.
Karl: Or second!
What did you think this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
