Gretchen is sitting at her dining room table with Anthony.
Anthony: We have the house all to ourselves tonight.
Gretchen: Good, maybe we can finally watch that new Conjuring movie while they’re gone. Toby’s too young for it, Christina doesn’t think it’s moral to watch horror movies, and mom is too afraid to watch it. This is our only chance!
Anthony: I had something else in mind.
Gretchen: Such as…? You want to watch HGTV?
Anthony: No, I was thinking we could -
Gretchen’s phone rings.
Gretchen: Hold that thought, gotta take this!
Anthony: Will do, dear. I’ll just sit here and wait.
Gretchen picks up her phone.
Carol: Gretchen, you finally picked up!
Gretchen: Finally? This was the first call you made.
Carol: I may have accidentally called the office a few times.
Gretchen: Are you… you okay? Do we need to get you in for a cognitive exam?
Carol: I think I’m okay. I think. Just one of those days, I guess.
Gretchen: What’s going on? It better be good, if you’re worrying about it on your day off!
Carol: Someone just called me about a terrible rumor.
Gretchen: You’re calling me to tell me about a Fleetwood Mac album?
Carol: Not Rumours, a rumor.
Gretchen: I don’t like to worry about rumors, they’re usually lies.
Carol: Well… this seems like it’s probably not just a lie. It’s more an unconfirmed fact.
Gretchen: So a rumor.
Carol: Can I just tell you what it is?
Gretchen: Susana would’ve spit it out by now.
Carol: Well Susana isn’t here.
Gretchen: Just tell me! I think Anthony wants to play Jenga.
Carol: There’s a rumor floating around Providence that Samantha is going to announce on Monday that she’s running for governor. She’s rented a pavilion in Newport that isn’t associated with any government business and she was seen at a Kinko’s downtown.
Gretchen: Kinko’s? Who the hell still goes to Kinko’s in 2021?
Carol: Someone very in-touch like Samantha Pratt.
Gretchen: None of that means she’s seeking the governorship. She might just be having a birthday party.
Carol: On a Monday?
Gretchen: I’m just saying, a pavilion rental and a stop at Kinko’s isn’t exactly a surefire sign she’s running.
Carol: Someone from the state of Rhode Island also purchased a domain site for SamForGovernor dot com.
Gretchen: She’s running.
Carol: I told you!
Gretchen: You should have led with that, Carol.
Anthony: What’s going on?
Gretchen: Samantha is running for governor.
Anthony: What? Why would she do that?
Gretchen: She’s an idiot.
Anthony: She’ll never win.
Gretchen: We’ll see about that.
Carol: Is that Anthony? Tell him “hi” for me!
Gretchen: Carol said “Hi.”
Anthony: Hi, Carol!
Gretchen: He said “hi.”
Carol: I heard him!
Gretchen: That’s great. So, that was all you were calling about?
Carol: Yes, I just thought you should know early before she blindsides you on Monday.
Gretchen: Well, I’d say this is already a blindside. But I get what you mean. See you Monday, we’ll talk then. Have a good weekend.
Carol: You, too, Gretch!
Gretchen hangs up.
Anthony: So, how are you feeling?
Gretchen: Exhausted. As always, I am exhausted.
Anthony: Do you want to -
The front door swings open and Lucinda, Christina and Toby walk in.
Toby: Mom! Dad! We’re home early!
Gretchen: You sure are! Mom, what happened to the overnight trip to Salem?
Lucinda: Ask your daughter.
Christina: I don’t want to say.
Lucinda: Bozo over here didn’t check her emails and didn’t see that the hotel canceled our room two weeks ago. We would have had time to find a new room, but she made sure that wasn’t going to happen.
Anthony: Weren’t there any other hotels with rooms? Any at all?
Lucinda: It’s a weekend in summer, no one had any vacancies.
Christina: Some places did.
Lucinda: I was not about to stay in a SuperSave Inn. Or a Motel Seven. Or a Tonight Express.
Christina: It was one night!
Lucinda: That’s all it takes to get bedbugs! We were only an hour from home, it was better than staying in some bug-infested cockroach motel.
Christina: You could’ve at least let me drive! You can’t see in the dark!
Lucinda: I can see just fine!
Toby: I thought we were going to die!
Lucinda: It wasn’t that bad, stop complaining.
Gretchen: I’m glad to see that everyone else had an equally delightful day.
Christina: It’s only ten o’clock and somehow I feel like I’m about to collapse.
Gretchen: Christina, it’s ten of eight. You’re looking at the wrong hand on the clock.
Christina: Grandma, did you drug me?
Anthony: No, she’s just a succubus.
Lucinda: I don’t think that word means what you think it does.
Gretchen: I’m going to get Jenga. Who wants to play?
Toby: I think Christina fell asleep.
Lucinda: Are we sure she’s alive?
Christina: What? I’m here!
Gretchen: Ah, this is truly paradise.
Two days later, when Gretchen arrives at her office…
Carol: Gretchen…
Gretchen: It looks like a funeral in here.
Susana: Well, it happened.
Gretchen: Hank’s wife finally killed him? It was bound to happen.
Hank: Was my name said?
Gretchen: You are like a ninja. Where did you come from?
Hank: I walked into the building directly after you.
Gretchen: I don’t pay attention to the people behind me.
Hank: That seems ill-advised.
Gretchen: Can you just go to your own office? Shoo!
Jeanne: I’ll take him up there. He needs help finding his way sometimes.
Gretchen: I’ve never said this before but thank you, Jeanne.
Jeanne: It’s no problem. I can’t do any work without him, we’re working on the budget proposal today.
Gretchen: I’m sure you’ll screw me over again.
Jeanne: Looking forward to it.
Gretchen: So what’s going on?
Susana: Today in Newport, Samantha is officially launching her gubernatorial campaign for 2022. The media is buzzing about it, it’s going to be a big deal.
Gretchen: She’ll flame out. I’ve been challenged before, by far better politicians, and I’m still here.
Carol: We’re taking this threat seriously. She has higher name ID than any of your other opponents.
Gretchen: What are we going to do exactly?
Susana: We’re going to stay visible. Keep having televised press conferences, keep getting out there and meeting constituents. There’s nothing that Samantha can do that we can’t. There are things we can do that she can’t, though. We have the upper hand.
Gretchen: It’s August of 2021.
Carol: It’s July.
Gretchen: Whatever. It’s July 2021, why is she already announcing this? I haven’t even announced yet. People might think I’m retiring.
Carol: You just answered your own question. She’s counting on that.
Susana: That’s why I spoke with some of the campaign advisors and we’re launching new ads tonight.
Gretchen: We haven’t filmed anything.
Susana: That’s what today is for!
Gretchen: We’re supposed to be working today.
Carol: Eh, you can take the day off.
Susana: We’re going to film some of the ad here and then we’re going to the beach to film the rest. Sound good?
Gretchen: People do like the beach.
Carol: We’re the Ocean State!
Gretchen: Ocean “state.”
Carol: So are we going now?
Susana: Why not?
Gretchen: It’s not like we have any real work to do.
Carol: In hindsight, I think that attitude may be part of why you’re being primaried.
Gretchen: I tell it like it is. People love that.
Two hours later…
Gretchen: Wow, that was terrible!
Susana: Why was the wind so aggressive?
Gretchen: The sun was pretty blinding, too.
Carol: Do you hear yourselves? You’re complaining about it being too sunny out and it being windy. People are dying!
Gretchen: What a random thing to say, Carol.
Carol: All I’m saying is that we got the shot, the camera man didn’t have any problem with it, so we shouldn’t complain. Now, it’s almost noon so I think we should turn on the TV and watch the absolute garbage heap that is the Samantha Pratt campaign announcement.
Gretchen: Must we?
Carol: Yes!
Susana: We have a TV in the office? Why don’t we ever use it.
Carol: We’re too busy working.
Carol turns the TV on just as Samantha steps up to speak.
Samantha: Good afternoon, Rhode Island! I’m sure you’re all wondering why you’re watching speak to you today.
Gretchen: Always an encouraging way to start.
Samantha: As some of you may have guessed by the signage behind and in front of me, I am running for Governor of Rhode Island in 2022. While I realize that 2022 seems worlds away, I couldn’t wait a second more to announce this. I’m so excited to get out there and meet people of this great state and make my case for why I should be their next governor. This state hasn’t worked for everyone in a long time, and it’s time to change that. Our government has failed us for too long, and I’m going to take different approaches to make sure that everyone, especially the little guy, has a say in how this state is run.
Susana: It’s all meaningless platitudes. None of what she’s saying makes any sense.
Samantha: This administration, despite my best efforts, has been run by government bigwigs who only care about how they want to run things, not what Rhode Islanders want. I’ll be a governor for all of us, because I’m on your side, Rhode Island. Thank you for listening to me today, I hope I’ll get a chance to talk to all of you in-person very soon.
Carol turns the TV off.
Gretchen: Aww, why’d you do that? I wanted to see if she’d fall off the stage when she was trying to go down the stairs.
Carol: Just because that happened to you doesn’t mean it’s something common.
Gretchen: So, when are we getting this ad up and running.
Susana: It just has to be edited and then we can send it out tomorrow morning.
Gretchen: I don’t want her getting any sort of head start on us.
Susana: She won’t have that chance.
That night, at home…
Lucinda: I saw the news, Gretchen.
Gretchen: About the discovery of a new fungus down at Newport Beach?
Lucinda: No, not about Samantha.
Christina: That was good, grandma.
Gretchen: What news did you see, mom.
Lucinda: It was the news about Samantha, I just wanted to make a joke.
Anthony: I watched Samantha’s press conference. What a lightweight.
Lucinda: Even you can crush her, Gretchen.
Gretchen: So sweet of you.
Christina: She has some nerve saying you’ve done nothing for Rhode Island. Ever hear of Bake Your Heart Out, Samantha? How about the calamari comeback? That’s all I know of that you've done but that’s still a lot more than she’s done!
Gretchen: I’m trying not to worry too much about it. She’s a nonentity right now.
Christina: She’s always a nonentity.
Lucinda: You are running again in 2022, right?
Gretchen: Of course! We just shot our first ad today!
Lucinda: Good. I wasn’t sure since it’s been such a bumpy couple of years. I’m glad you’re running, though! Never give up without a fight!
Gretchen: Didn’t you just say I was going to crush Samantha?
Lucinda: That doesn’t sound like me.
Anthony: She’s right. It doesn’t.
The next day, at the state capitol…
Samantha: Governor Raymond!
Gretchen: Don’t “Governor Raymond” me.
Samantha: Did you see me press conference yesterday?
Gretchen: Are you really asking me that?
Samantha: You can be very ignorant, you never know.
Gretchen: So you’r going to blindside me, then come up to me like nothing’s happened, then insult me? Wow.
Samantha: It’s politics, Gretchen, it isn’t personal.
Gretchen: You are running against me in the primary as my lieutenant governor. How am I supposed to feel about that? Loved and supported?
Samantha: You’ve been in politics for a long time. Why are you acting like a child?
Gretchen: Why are you running against me?
Samantha: You’re weak, Gretchen, and I want to be governor. I can’t run in four years, you’re too toxic.
Gretchen: Toxic? I’ve gotten the unemployment rate to a new low, I brought back the fishing industry, and I’ve brought in millions in tourism revenue thanks to my pal to bring a hit show here. How’s that toxic?
Samantha: People don’t like you on a personal level.
Gretchen: You said it wasn’t personal!
Samantha: I didn’t say I don’t like you.
Gretchen: But you don’t!
Samantha: Not the point.
Gretchen: You are such a pain in the -
Samantha: You cost the party the presidential election. You think that’s the hallmark of a popular person?
Gretchen: That’s low, even for you.
Samantha: Sorry to disappoint you, Gretch, but it’s true. You blew this for us and that’s when I decided to run.
Gretchen: You’ve been prepping for this since November?
Samantha: Yes! One does not simply announce a run for governor after no prep work. This is something I’ve been set on for a long time.
Gretchen: So all those nice moments of humanity you showed me - telling me you’re proud of me - that was all an act?
Samantha: No, I’m not a robot.
Gretchen: You are.
Samantha: Must we resort to childish insults? You’re so immature.
Gretchen: At least I’ve never stabbed anyone in the back because of my own desire for power.
Samantha:
Samantha: I think it’s worth reminding you that you aren’t owed power. You’re not a queen. This is all up to the voters of this state.
Gretchen: I know that.
Samantha: Then why are you so upset I’m running? It’s not like we’re friends.
Gretchen: We’re colleagues. You’re not supposed to stab a colleague in the back for no reason.
Samantha: There is a reason. I think I can be a better governor than you. Simple as that.
Gretchen: Okay, that’s that. May the best woman win.
What did you think of the second season finale of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the season three premiere this fall and read the season three premiere of Bake Your Heart Out in two weeks!
