Betty walks through the front door with bags in her hand.
Betty: My god, it’s wild out there!
Teri: Looks pretty calm out there to me. What is it, fifty and sunny?
Betty: I mean the people at the stores! I went to a few places and these people are like animals at all of the stores. When did we all forget how to act?
Ralph: It’s sick. A pandemic, really.
Cindy: Another one? Oh, jeez. I’m not going into q-
Ralph: I didn’t mean it like that, don’t jinx it.
Betty: I did finish my shopping, though, so that’s nice.
Velma: Oh my god!
Betty: I know, it is exciting. I can’t wait to wrap it all and put them all under the tree. Well, trees.
Velma: No, not that! I just won two tickets to Florida!
Betty: Oh my god!
Jerry: Now that is exciting!
Tammi: Are you for sure taking Mitchell or can we ditch the husbands and take a trip?
Velma: I gotta take him. It’s a bummer.
Tammi: Well, I tried.
Teri: When are you going?
Velma: Okay. No one lose their mind.
Teri: Why would we lose our minds?
Velma: We leave the day before Christmas Eve.
Betty: No!
Velma: I know! I’m sorry, but that’s when the trip was for.
Betty: Why would you even try to win a trip where you knew you’d be gone for Christmas? Do you not love us?
Teri: Mom, stop being crazy.
Betty: Crazy?
Teri: Look, if I won it, I’d be gone, too. Florida might be weird as hell, but a holiday on the beach? Sounds amazing!
Betty: It sounds horrible! It’s Christmas, it’s supposed to be cold and cozy!
Mitchell: You getting ready to pack?
Velma: We leave in two weeks, you idiot.
Danielle: The love, I feel it radiating.
Karl: I’m excited for both of you.
Velma: Thank you!
Karl: Christmas at the beach seems like a fun experience. I know I’ll never get to experience it, so at least I can live vicariously through you.
Betty: If you want it so bad, why don’t you go with them?
Karl: I can’t they only have two tickets!
Ralph: I’ve never been married, but even I know that was not the correct response!
Karl: What do you think the correct thing to say was?
Ralph: “Of course I wouldn’t rather spend Christmas in Florida than with you, dear! Don’t be silly!”
Karl: She wouldn’t have bought that. She knows how tired I am of the cold.
Danielle: You think this is cold? Try Bensonhurst! I walked home from school every day in the freezing cold, it was a miracle I never got frostbite. Christmas was always merry, because I finally got a break from it!
Teri: Why are you talking about Bensonhurst like it’s Antarctica?
Danielle: It may as well have been!
Teri: Google says it is currently five degrees colder in Bensonhurst than in Lakey.
Danielle: Climate change.
Teri: Didn’t you have something else to share about Bensonhurst, actually?
Danielle: I don’t feel safe doing so today after what I just saw. Maybe tomorrow?
Betty: No!
Ralph: Well, she knows now.
Betty: How many people did you tell?
Karl: Tell what?
Betty: She’s going home for Christmas!
Ralph: Home? With her actual family? What a bitch!
Betty: We’re her family, too!
Danielle: I was planning on telling all of you at once, but Teri heard me on the phone, and then she apparently told Ralph.
Teri: I did not!
Ralph: I just picked up on context clues like mom did. I was able to pick up on it because it was an obvious reference to Velma’s idiotic decision to give mom an early warning that they were going to Florida, mom picked up on it because we naturally assumes the worst-case scenario.
Danielle: There have to be worse scenarios than me visiting with my family for the holidays.
Ralph: Not to her.
Betty: I just want the family together for one holiday, is that so much to ask?
Tammi: Thanksgiving?
Betty: Thanksgiving’s not a holiday, it’s a glorified dinner with an attached parade!
Frank: Don’t forget football!
Betty: Shut up, Frank!
Frank: Am I not even allowed to sp-
Betty: Nope!
Frank: Maybe we should find somewhere else to go for Christmas, too. I’m not even allowed to speak in this house.
Teri: You just spoke, and it was stupid. Now, no one else is going anywhere for Christmas, unless they want mom to have an aneurysm.
Betty: You know, I’m not some dictator like you all seem to think. You’re allowed to go wherever you want.
Ralph: Okay, s-
Betty: Not you!
Ralph: Got it.
Cindy: Does this mean Ralph is the favorite?
Betty: No, it means he has no acceptable excuse to skip out on Christmas.
Ralph: Excuse me?
Teri: She’s spreading the love of the holidays by implying you have no life.
Ralph: I thought so!
Danielle: So, we never clarified this, am I allowed to go home to Brooklyn for Christmas or not?
Betty: Just be back by New Year’s.
Karl: You can stay as long as you want.
Betty: But your things will be on the lawn if you’re not back by the time Ryan Seacrest rings in 2024.
Karl: Please, ignore her.
Mitchell: Don’t you have to get to the boutique?
Betty: Oh, crap! I for- wait, no I don’t. It’s closed for the day, it’s Tuesday.
Mitchell: I tried, guys.
Jerry: I just realized, this trip means Mitchell’s going to be off work. Does this mean I have to pick up extra shifts?
Betty: Well, really it means Steven has to. He’s not in school then anyway.
Steven: They can’t go on vacation. They can’t. I quit!
Tammi: You can’t quit.
Steven: I can’t work every day of Christmas break! I have plans with Alysa!
Betty: Maybe your aunt Teri can pick up t-
Teri: She can’t.
Betty: That’s not the Christmas spirit!
Teri: How can any of us possibly feel the Christmas spirit when the house isn’t properly decorated? I mean, only three trees? You have to get another one up, I suggest right now.
Betty: You’re all trying to get rid of me because you’re afraid of my Christmas spirit. Well, you’re getting your wish, I’m going to wrap these presents. You can be curmudgeonly Scrooges all you want!
Ralph: Ah, thank god.
The next day, Steven walks into the house.
Steven: Mom… can we talk?
Tammi: What test did you fail?
Steven: Nothing!
Betty: Good to hear!
Steven: We have to talk in private.
Betty: Why?
Steven: Just… just because.
Betty: You can say anything in front of me, I promise!
Steven: Okay, but I’m going to address this to mom, and remember, hitting children is illegal!
Betty: I would never in a million years!
Cindy: Oh, no?
Betty: I never hit you! Pulled your hair to get you out of bed, yes. Hit, never!
Cindy: You got me there.
Steven: Okay. Mom, you know how Alysa is the lo-
Tammi: I know where that sentence is heading, you’re sixteen years old, I’m not letting it head there.
Steven: But I do l-
Tammi: Puppy love. Don’t you say it to her, Steven. I know how this goes.
Teri: Seems a little hypocritical coming from you, but -
Tammi: Shh!
Cindy: Did Olivia Rodrigo teach you nothing, kid?
Steven: She’s so rich and famous now becaues of it!
Teri: She has talent.
Tammi: Did you just imply he has no talent?
Teri: “Imply.”
Steven: Anyway, I really care about Alyssa, and she invited me to go to a ski lodge in New Hampshire with her and her parents over Christmas.
Teri: Mom! Don’t faint! Mom! Stay with us!
Betty (voice breaking): I’m fine! I really am!
Teri: You sound like Ross from Friends.
Betty: That’s good, right? He was everyone’s favorite Friend.
Cindy: Who said that?
Betty: Stop being mean to me!
Steven: Grandma, I’m sorry.
Betty: No, I get it. You’re young, you’re in love, you’d rather spend Christmas with my mortal enemy…
Steven: She said I can bring a guardian as well.
Betty: It’s not going to be me!
Steven: I didn’t think so.
Tammi: Can you bring two?
Steven: I can ask.
Tammi: Your father and I will talk about this tonight when he gets home, okay?
Steven: Thank you. And, grandma Betty, I love you.
Betty: Yeah, sure.
Steven: I do!
Betty: Traitor!
Teri: Denial and straight into anger. She’s speedrunning the five stages of grief. She’ll be over this by -
Betty: Oh my god, Danielle, why is your suitcase out?
Danielle: Just getting ready. We’re busy at the holidays, I want to make sure I’m packed and ready to go.
Betty: Everyone’s leaving me!
Teri: She’s jumped over bargaining and is now at depression. Good luck with that tonight, dad.
That night, in bed…
Karl: Honey, you have to get under the covers.
Betty: I don’t want to.
Karl: You’re curled up at the bottom of the bed like a dog.
Betty: What’s wrong with dogs?
Karl: I hate seeing you sad. And you shouldn’t be distraught over Christmas not being perfect. It’s not about that.
Betty: You’re right. It’s about being together, and no one wants to be together with me on Christmas!
Karl: It’s not that. Honey, they all have busy lives. That doesn’t mean they don’t love you, but look at them. Velma and Mitchell love the beach, and they get to spend Christmas there. Danielle, she’s getting to spend the holidays with her sisters. Steven, I know Tammi won’t want to hear it, he’s in love with that girl and this may be the start of their Christmases together over the years. They’re doing what makes them happy. It makes you sad, because they’re not going to be around, but December 25th isn’t the only day we can make Christmas memories. Let’s do something together before they all go off and do their own thing.
Betty: You’re right. I’m being selfish.
Karl: No, you’re not. Not really. You just care about them. We all do. You gotta let them go.
Betty: I know. I’ll figure out some other way to make Christmas memories with them all this year.
Karl: That’s the spirit!
The next day…
Betty: All right, gang, I’ve been thinking.
Ralph: That’s a sign, time for me to pretend to be taking a phone call.
Teri: Not without me!
Karl: Everyone, stay at the table, or you’re grounded.
Cindy: Fifty years old, we’re still getting grounded.
Frank: Well, you do still live with your parents.
Cindy: Shut up, Frank!
Teri: It’s rare to hear that from Cindy. Consider that one a Christmas miracle
Betty: You all know how upset I am about the prospect of not spending the holidays together and getting to make those memories as a family. That’s why I’ve come up with a solution! There’s a park in NoVA where they have fake snow and all kinds of festive things and you can go on family sleigh rides and meet Santa and all that. Obviously, we’re all too old for Santa -
Frank: Speak for yourself!
Teri: In the words of Gwen Stefani, don’t speak.
Betty: We can all enjoy this sleigh ride together.
Teri: Sounds… really enjoyable.
Betty: I think so!
Ralph: This is all Velma’s fault!
Velma: It is not!
Betty: Fault?
Karl: He didn’t mean that.
Mitchell: I’m going to be busy that day. Lots of work to get done at the store, you know.
Karl: You all knock it off! You’re hurting her feelings!
Betty: No, it’s fine. It was a dumb idea.
Karl: I hope you’re all happy. It’s Christmas and you made her feel stupid again!
Danielle: I think it’s a cute idea.
Cindy: So do I!
Betty: You’re just saying that to lift my spirits.
Velma: Mitchell, you’re such an idiot.
Mitchell: You know me, I don’t like going places.
Velma: That’s your problem.
Tammi: We’re all going. It’s what she deserves, a good family Christmas memory.
Betty: No. I’m not dragging anyone to something they don’t want to go to, I’m seeing if I can cancel the tickets.
Karl: Just let her, guys. You ruined it.
Two weeks later…
Karl: Honey! Six o’clock!
Betty: So?
Karl: It’s Christmas!
Betty: What is the point?
Karl: I think today’s going to be a good day. That’s all I’m going to say.
Betty: I’m really not in the festive mood at all, honey. Christmas is just not fun this time around.
Karl: Okay, we can go back to bed for a little while. We have to get up soon, though. For the sake of everyone else.
One hour later, Betty walks downstairs.
Betty: Okay, here we go… let the phony festivities begin!
Velma: Merry Christmas!
Betty: Oh my god! You almost gave me a heart attack!
Velma: Are you surprised?
Betty: What the heck are you doing here? You left for Florida last night!
Velma: No, I did not.
Mitchell: Neither did I!
Velma: I’m assuming she could figure that one out, dummy.
Betty: I’m so lost.
Velma: We stayed in the guest house to surprise you this morning!
Teri: We all felt bad about ruining your sleigh ride and your holiday spirit, so everyone decided we had to make sure your Christmas Day was special.
Danielle: None of us went through with our plans. You’re so important to us, and it broke our hearts to see you sad.
Cindy: We did bring th-
Betty: My god, where is everyone popping up from?
Cindy: The woodwork.
Betty: Feels like it!
Alysa: Can I just say how nice it is to be included in this?
Betty: Alysa? Oh my god! Where is your mother?
Alysa: They begrudgingly allowed me to stay here with Steven because I was so excited to spend Christmas with him.
Betty: Oh my god. This is the best Christmas present ever!
Alysa: Oh, that’s so sweet!
Betty: Anita’s own daughter chose to spend Christmas with me rather than her! Oh my god!
Teri: Mom, don’t be petty, it’s Christmas.
Betty: I’m just so happy. My big, extended, crazy, wild family is all together. I love you all so much.
Karl: That’s not all! We were felt so guilty about costing you your sleigh ride that we brought one to you. Consider it another Christmas present to you.
Cindy: That was my line!
Karl: You clearly got distracted.
Teri: We gotta hurry, though, we have a finite supply of fake snow.
Betty: Everyone, get your ugly sweaters on! We’re going for a sleigh ride!
Alysa: Am I invited?
Steven: Of course!
Alysa: I don’t have a sweater. We live in Virginia. It’s sixty degrees out.
Karl: We’ll find you one, you’re basically part of the family now.
Zeke: Speaking of part of the family, hi guys!
Cindy: Honey! You made it!
Zeke: I’ve been here the whole time. No one noticed.
Cindy: We’ve noticed now. The family’s finally together!
Danielle: I just want you all to know, I do have to fly to Brooklyn tomorrow, so this Christmas better not get too wild tonight.
Betty: Maybe reschedule that flight to December 27th.
What did you think this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the Frances in the Kitchen Christmas special next week! Our House will return in January!
