Marietta and Sarah get into Tammy’s car.
Tammy: Big day, Sarah! You excited?
Sarah: No, not exactly. I don’t like weddings.
Tammy: Have you ever been to one?
Sarah: No, but from what I’ve seen on Hallmark, they’re really corny.
Mitch: I’m so proud of you, kiddo. You have it dead right.
Tammy: Don’t be such a cynical old man! Weddings are beautiful.
Mitch: They are expensive, overwrought, unnecessary nonsense. Just sign the papers that say you’re married and get it over with, that’s what I say.
Tammy: You just say that because you’ve had to pay for three of them.
Mitch: It’s not my favorite thing to spend thousands of dollars on.
Tammy: You were the president, you have no need to fret about spending money on your children.
Sarah: You guys have children? Why don’t they ever visit?
Mitch: It’s a big day for your dad, Sarah, we don’t have to talk about that today.
Marietta: “Hi, Marietta.” “How are you, Marietta?” “Are you excited for today, Marietta?”
Tammy: Hi, Marietta.
Mitch: How are you, Marietta?
Sarah: Are you excited for today, Marietta?
Marietta: Smartasses.
Tammy: Did we say something wrong?
Marietta: Just get me to this damn wedding.
Tammy: I ask this sincerely: how are you. Feeling about this? You’re the maid of honor, this is very exciting for you! You finally get to take part in a marriage that will actually last!
Marietta: Why is everyone so mean to me? And I’m the matron of honor, get it right!
Tammy: It’s just good-natured ribbing, I don’t mean anything by it.
Marietta: For anyone who genuinely cares, I am feeling very stressed. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the matron of honor is supposed to have a toast written before the day of the wedding, no?
Tammy: I think that’s the expectation, yes.
Marietta: I have not done that yet, but it is not my fault. I’ve been so busy!
Sarah: You never let that count as an excuse when I don’t finish my homework!
Marietta: Because playing video games and scrolling Twitter does not count as “busy” in my book.
Sarah: What is it that you do that’s so important, then?
Marietta: Not that.
Mitch: You’re right, Tammy. Weddings really do bring out the best in us.
One hour later…
Patty Lynn: You guys are so late! Moira’s been looking for you!
Mitch: It’s nice to feel wanted.
Patty Lynn: Not really you, Mitch. Sorry.
Mitch: That’s okay, always the bridesmaid, never the - well, not really. I’m not even the bridesmaid.
Tammy: Is the former President of the United States really complaining that he always falls into the background? Have you seen the Secret Service agents here? They’re not here to protect the junior senator from Louisiana.
Patty Lynn: The other bridesmaids are here. You need to hurry before DeeDee Adams worms her way into becoming maid of honor.
Marietta: My new sister would never betray me by dropping me for DeeDee. We’re tight.
Patty Lynn: Are you sure about that?
Marietta: Why, what did the bitch say? She can not drop me like this after the beautiful toast I wrote for her in the car on the drive over!
Sarah: The one the Secret Service guy helped you with? You’re going with that one?
Marietta: He suggested a few word changes, it was fully my own work.
Patty Lynn: Girls, go! Moira wants to see you.
Marietta: What about Milton? Does he not care?
Patty Lynn: He’s got your father with him, he doesn’t really need any help from us.
Marietta: Does Moira have cold feet? I knew Milton should’ve put a ring on it before she ever got to know this family too well. Who would willingly marry into this?
Patty Lynn: She just needs some help getting ready and wants to make sure you’re all ready yourselves.
Marietta: She’s worried that I’m not ready? Me?
Sarah: But you aren’t ready. You still have to change into your dress and do your hair.
Marietta: Moira doesn’t know that!
Sarah: She knows you well enough to have a suspicion.
Kathleen: Don’t listen to your mother, she's the one actually panicking. Moira is calm, cool and collected, which is a rare feat in this family.
Patty Lynn: I don’t get why you must always undermine me.
Kathleen: You want to talk undermined? Why am I not a bridesmaid? I do everything for this family!
Sarah: I’m not sure it’s tradition for the aunt of the groom to be a bridesmaid.
Tammy: All right, we’d best be going. We have our bridesmaid duties to tend to. Mitch, get yourself a good seat.
In Moira’s bridal suite…
Amy: I’ll ask one last time: you’re sure about marrying into this family? One hundred percent?
Moira: Yes! Why wouldn’t I want to marry into the Landf-
Marietta: Are we interrupting anything?
Moira: Just Amy being obnoxious.
Amy: I’m not obnoxious. I’m caring. I saw how that last divorce affected her, it wasn’t pretty. I don’t want it happening again to my dear friend.
DeeDee: Since when are you two friends?
Amy: DeeDee, I’ve known you for forever, so I know you won’t take offense when I say this: bud out. This is none of your business.
Marissa: Ladies! We are here to support and uplift her, not stress her out.
Tammy: How could anyone ever get stressed in the presence of Amy?
Marietta: I’m sorry we’re late, the Secret Service agents had to secure the perimeter.
Tammy: I suppose we could've come in without Mitch, but he just looked so pathetic, feeling all abandoned.
Moira: It’s fine! You’re here now, that’s what matters.
DeeDee: What really matters is we’ve almost fully dressed her.
Amy: Marietta is going to need our help next, it appears.
Marietta: I don’t need any help. I simply did not put my dress on because I didn’t want it getting messed up on the ride here. I can dress myself.
Amy: Geez, I was just joking around. You seem quite insecure today.
Marietta: Enough about me! This is Moira’s big day. How are you feeling?
Moira: Glad one of my bridesmaids remembered what day it is. Enough picking on each other, girls! Today is about love.
Sarah: You sound like RuPaul.
Marissa: Well, she does have a few of the queens from Drag Race performing at the reception.
Moira: You know, I’m very nervous for today. My last wedding wasn’t much of a wedding at all. My mother-in-law dictated the entire thing and rushed us along because she didn’t want to sit through a long wedding or a reception. My ex just let the whole thing happen, and I was miserable.
Amy: I wonder why you two didn't last.
Marietta: Don’t worry, Moira, we’ll duck tape mom’s mouth shut. She won’t have ANY say in this wedding, whatsoever.
Moira: That’s why I’m so nervous. I’m getting the wedding I actually want to a man I actually love. I need for it to live up to my expectations.
Marietta: I’ve found that in this family, it’s always best to keep expectations low and be pleasantly surprised when the end result exceeds the expectation.
Moira: Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I actually really like this family. You guys are fun! My mother, meanwhile, has been on my case non-stop about how short the engagement was. Apparently, it’s been a challenge for the family to make it here on such “short notice.” I told them about the wedding date three months ago!
Marietta: You realize who Milton’s mother is, no? You think she’s not overbearing?
Marissa: Maybe we can focus on the positives today. I think it might be nice to get us in that sort of mindset.
Amy: Yeah, Marietta, stop being a buzzkill.
Marietta: I’m just joking around with my new sister. That’s what we do in our family!
Tammy: Maybe we could also get her ready. We have, what, a half-hour?
DeeDee: I can do her hair if someone else wants to handle the makeup.
Moira: I can do my own hair and makeup, girls. I do it any other day, why not today?
DeeDee: Yes, but this is the most special day of your life. We want you to look good!
Moira: Are you saying I don’t look good on a daily basis?
Marietta: And you were going to make her your maid of honor!
Moira: Who said that?
DeeDee: Yeah, this is news to me. I’m shocked I even made the list at all.
Tammy: Amy made the cut. There’s room for everyone, let’s just say that.
Marietta: My mother said it.
Amy: You are always blaming things on your mother. It’s a real problem.
Marietta: Don’t psychoanalyze me, please. That’s what I have a therapist for.
DeeDee: To answer your question, Moira, I think you look great, it’s just that you are very emotional and nervous and I don’t think you want to do your makeup in this state. You want it to all be perfect, I want it to be perfect.
Moira: You do know I was only kidding with you, right?
DeeDee: Of course I did, don’t be silly!
Marietta: I guess I can go change now, Moira seems to be quite comfortable and relaxed, if she’s making jokes.
Moira: I wouldn’t say I’m relaxed, but all of your nonsense has eased my nerves tremendously. No matters this wedding goes, at least IO know I have all of you by my side to make me look better in comparison.
Amy: We are so happy to help!
Sarah: Can I say something?
Tammy: Please don’t say anything mean.
Sarah: Moira, I’m really honored you asked me to be a bridesmaid. I know I’m going to be your stepdaughter an all, but I’m in sort of an awkward time where I’m neither an adult nor a child anymore, and you’ve really helped me navigate that by seeing me for me and treating me with so much respect and kindness. I finally feel like I have a mother, and I’m so glad my dad found you.
Amy: Oh god, kid. You had to wait for that until after DeeDee started the makeup?
Marissa: Look at the mascara running down her face, she looks like a contestant that just got eliminated from The Bachelor.
Moira: I’m so touched, this was such a beautiful moment. And these bitches are ruining it.
Sarah: And they’ll ruin many more moments for yours to come, I’m sure.
Meanwhile, in Milton’s room…
Milton: What if I forget my vows?
Martin: You have them written down, no?
Milton: I don’t want to read my vows off a note card, I’m not giving an Oscar speech.
Martin: I read mine off a card. Your mother did not, that was interesting.
Milton: You aren’t instilling confidence in me like usual, dad, what’s going on?
Kate: I want to state again how thrilled I am that you chose me to be the best woman, and I don’t want to jeopardize that, but I think your dad’s just trying to give you his honest advice on what to do that. I happen to agree with it.
Ellie: I‘m starting to think the Republicans may have a point, things have gone too far. What the hell is a “best woman?” Do you not have any male friends, man?
Kate: That’s the point you’re taking from this?
Ellie: It was weighing on me, that is all.
Milton: So everyone thinks I should bring notecards and spend the most special moment of my life staring at a piece of paper?
Ellie: I didn’t say that, I never gave my advice on this at all. I think -
Milton: Ellie, frankly I’m a little bit scared to hear what your advice is.
Ellie: I don’t know why everyone is so afraid of me, I just tell it how I see it.
Kate: The problem is that you see about as well as a blind person.
Ellie: That was uncalled for, but it’s Milton’s big day, so I choose to ignore it. Milton, use the cards.
Kate: Hey! She can see correctly every now and again!
Milton: I guess that’s one source of panic gone. I will take the cards out with me.
Martin: That’s a smart move, son. What else are you worried about?
Milton: I want today to be perfect.
Martin: It won’t be.
Milton: Dad!
Martin: You know what happened the day of my wedding? The church caught fire.
Milton: Why has no one told me this in my fifty years of being alive?
Martin: Some things just never come up, you know?
Kate: The heel of my shoe broke and I fell into my wedding cake.
Ellie: My great aunt died during my wedding reception.
Kate: Wait, what? That’s horrible!
Ellie: See, Milton! No one’s wedding has ever been perfect. What you gotta do is stop worrying and enjoy the moment.
Kate: I need you to elaborate on the great aunt.
Ellie: She was old, she died, move on, Kate.
Kate: Again, I say, that’s horrible!
Martin: I hesitate to ask this, but do you feel better?
Kate: Can we, like, take flowers to this woman’s grave? Her family sure doesn’t seem to care.
Martin: Milton, ignore them. Feel better?
Milton: I’m ready.
Martin: He’s ready, girls! We did it!
Ellie: Kate looks like she’s about to break down.
Kate: I’m fine, I really am. It’s just so tragic.
Milton: Do I need to replace you?
Kate: No, I’m fine! Martin, please just watch over Kathleen today, okay?
Martin: Why would I start today?
Thirty minutes later, in the chapel…
Marietta (singing): Goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married
Tammy: Shh! She is walking down to aisle. To a different song!
Marietta: Here Comes the Bride is so overplayed, I’m just adding a little bit of flavor to this thing.
Tammy: You’re right, no one’s ever sung Chapel of Love at one of these.
DeeDee: Will the both of you behave yourselves? People can see you!
Marietta: Sorry, mom.
DeeDee: So childish…
In the audience…
Kathleen: Patty Lynn?
Patty Lynn: Yes?
Kathleen: Do you have a cough drop?
Patty Lynn: Now?
Kathleen: I have a tickle in my throat.
Patty Lynn: What is wrong with you?
Kathleen: I don't know, I think it’s just allergies.
Patty Lynn: I mean mentally!
Kathleen: Don’t be rude, it’s unbecoming.
Henrietta: Here, I have a cough drop.
Kathleen: Thank you! You are a doll!
Henrietta: It’s just a mom thing, no worries.
Kathleen: Honey, don’t try to make me feel even older than I am by reminding me that you are of age to procreate.
Eliza: Even better, she’s already gone through one of these of her own!
Henrietta: Mine was… significantly less celebratory.
Elena: That is typically the mood when you marry before you’re of age to attend prom. We’re still very proud of you, honey.
At the altar…
Ellie: My god, how long does it take for her to walk down an aisle?
Kate: You are the most impatient woman I have ever met.
Marietta: See! The groom’s side is talking!
Marissa: We’re supposed to have higher standards than that. Men and their friends are always worse behaved.
Ellie: Oh my god, she’s finally here!
Milton: Moira, oh my god, you look perfect! Oh, I love you.
Moira: You look all right yourself.
Marietta: You know what I just realized?
Amy: Shh!
Marietta: There are too many people in this family with names beginning in “M.”
Amy: Quiet!
Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…
Thirty minutes later…
Priest: By the power vested in me by the state of Louisiana, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride!
Later that night, at the reception…
Kate: That was a very nice first dance. The Nat King Cole music selection as a nice throwback.
Sarah: I picked the sing! They used it in The Parent Trap!
Marietta: I’m not sure why they went with this song to play immediately following their first dance. I don’t think anyone was ever confusing this for a teenage wedding, just look at Milton.
Amy: Somehow it never came up when we were discussing the music for the reception that they would actually get Emmylou Harris here to play it.
Patty Lynn: She is an old family friend, so, um, c’est la vie.
Martin: You wanna dance, darlin’?
Patty Lynn: I’m a little afraid I’ll break a hip, but sure! I love dancing!
Marietta: Mom, save up your energy for the big mother-son dance!
Patty Lynn: That’s not until after dinner, I’ve got plenty of time to show off my dancing prowess beforehand.
Henrietta: Oh my god, Kathleen just did the most hilarious slash offensive thing.
Marietta: Hilarious and offensive? Fox News would love that.
Kathleen: I was merely asking a question! How was I supposed to know?
Elena: What did my favorite kooky old sort-of-aunt do?
Henrietta: She went up to the drag queens and asked them if they know Queen Latifah.
Kathleen: They’re queens, she’s a queen, was it that ridiculous of a question to ask?
Tammy: Yes. Even I think so.
Kathleen: I’m just interested in the culture. I love dangerous things, according to Tennessee, they’re quite dangerous.
Patty Lynn: Tennessee is hell on earth, and even that’s too nice.
Marietta: That dance sure didn’t last long!
Patty Lynn: My heel broke. Almost fell into the cake!
Kate: Why does this always happen at weddings I’m at?
Ellie: I guess you’re just lucky.
Kathleen: Patty Lynn, I just want to congratulate you. You may have made a fool out of yourself with your dancing or lack thereof, but you did not make a fool out of yourself by trying to overtake the entire wedding and trying to control the whole thing. That was so unlike you, and it was very refreshing.
Patty Lynn: Thank you! I had to put a mouthguard in just to protect my teeth from all the gritting I did every time I noticed that they ignored one of my suggestions.
Milton: Hey, everyone, time for dinner! Marietta, Kate, you know what that means… toast time!
Marietta: I am shivering with anticipation.
One hour later…
Marietta: Geez, well, how do I follow that one up? Certainly with far less Didion quotes, I can tell you that much. Everyone give Kate a round of applause one more time!
Milton: Stop stalling!
Marietta: What is it that I can say about Moira? Folks, I’ll be honest with you, we haven’t been friends for all that long. I met her years ago during one of my runs for the Senate, and then I really came to know her when I became mayor. On a council filled with people that just seemed to want to stonewall me, Moira actually cared about getting things done for people. That’s who Moira is, she is one of the kindest, most caring people I’ve ever had the privilege to come to know. I don’t quite know how she got herself involved with my brother, but I’m so glad she did. I tease him constantly, but no one deserves happiness more than him, and no one has ever made him happier than Moira.
Sarah: Hey!
Milton: Except you, dear!
Marietta: When Milton is with Moira, his face lights up, his troubles seem gone. Just one look at her smile and he melts. In all these tyears, I’ve never seen him feel true love like that. Moira is one of the most remarkable people I’ve ever met, and now I’ve gained a sister in her. I really lucked out, didn’t I? Moira, you have seamlessly blended into this family, and trust me, that is not easy. I’m so glad my brother gets to call you his wife, I’m ever gladder my Sarah gets to cal you mom, and I’m most glad I get to call you my sister. We all love you, and I’m going to stop now before I cry in public while people are trying to eat their creme brûlée. It has been an honor to be your matron of honor.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
