Arthur and Claire are in bed.
Arthur: Do you ever think about trying for another?
Claire: Another what?
Arthur: Baby!
Claire: Why are you saying that so aggressively?
Arthur: I wasn’t.
Claire: You’re being a jerk.
Arthur: All right, I can see you’re a bit tired and it’s making you sensitive. I understand, I’ll let you get to sleep.
Claire: I’m not sensitive at all! And now you’ve upset me so much, I’m no longer tired!
Arthur: I didn’t do anything!
Claire: You’re speaking so vaguely, like you expect me to read your mind or something. And then you get angry when I don’t immediately know what you’re talking about. It’s infuriating!
Arthur: I didn’t get aggressive, but now I’m getting annoyed.
Claire: That makes two of us! I think perhaps you should sleep in the guest room tonight.
Arthur: Oh, come on. I don’t want to go to bed -
Claire: Your pillow.
Arthur: Claire, be serious!
Claire: I’m deadly serious!
Claire hands Arthur his pillow and shoos him out of the bedroom.
Arthur: That was quite odd.
Claire: I heard you!
Arthur: It’s not as if I were whispering!
Mandy: Arthur, what are you doing here?
Arthur: It’s my house! Mandy, since when are you staying here?
Mandy: Where am I?
Arthur: All right, we’re gonna get you to bed.
The next morning…
Claire: Arthur, why are you sleeping on the couch?
Arthur: I couldn’t use the guest room, because we apparently got custody of Mandy.
Claire: Why would you have slept in the guest room?
Arthur: What? Are you serious?
Claire: I’m confused.
Arthur: So am I. You’re the one who kicked me out of bed for some reason last night.
Claire: Oh gosh, did I do that?
Arthur: I didn’t sleep on the couch just for the fun of it.
Claire: I was so out of it last night. I think I was just cranky from being so exhausted. I’m sorry.
Arthur: I accept, but not sure if my neck does.
Claire: I have some pain patches if you’d like one.
Arthur: No, I took a Tylenol already. That should help.
Claire: Again, I’m sorry. You know I can’t control myself when I’m tired.
Arthur: So you recall nothing from last night?
Claire: No, not a thing.
Arthur: In that case, I wanted to ask you something. Something that spurred the argument last night.
Claire: Oh boy, you sure you want to do that?
Arthur: You said yourself you just snapped because you were tired.
Claire: Well, I did just get up.
Arthur: Have your tea and then we’ll talk.
Claire: Good idea!
A bit later…
Claire: All right, bring it on. I’m awake, I’m ready for whatever it was you needed to ask.
Arthur: Do you ever think about having another baby?
Claire: Excuse me?
Arthur: Come on, don’t you just miss having a little one around?
Claire: No! I’m done with all that, I said it after the last pregnancy. We already have three children!
Arthur: My grandmother had four.
Claire: Good for her! I can’t believe you’re even asking me this! In fact, I can, because you know you won’t be responsible for taking care of it. It would be my job, because the woman’s job is to rear the children and the man only has to be home a few hours per day.
Arthur: We have nannies! And I help! Let’s not act as if you’re a single mother doing it all on your own. We’ve got a village here.
Claire: Never claimed to be! It’s just how I feel sometimes. But that’s not even the worst part of all this! You’re trying to pressure me… I feel…
Claire starts crying.
Arthur: Honey, what’s wrong? I’m not pressuring you! I was just asking your opinion. You don’t want to have another child, that’s fine.
Claire: I think I just want to be alone!
Arthur: Are you sure? I really wasn’t -
Claire: Just stop, okay?
Arthur: I’ll be in the living room if you need me.
Claire: I won’t.
Arthur: Got it.
Later that day, at Buckingham Palace…
Arthur: I need help.
Claude: You’ve come to the right place! Help with what?
Eleanor: I can make any issue disappear, if you understand what I mean.
Arthur: I do not, and I’m too frightened to ask.
Claude: I assume the issue is with Mandy.
Arthur: No, but why is she at my house?
Christine: I had her dropped off there. I figured we shouldn’t be the only ones who have to watch after her.
Arthur: You didn’t even tell me you were leaving a ninety year old dementia patient at my house?
Christine: It’s not like she can get far.
Ethan: Are elderly dementia patients not famous for wandering off?
Christine: I don’t know, I’m too youthful to have experience with such issues.
Arthur: Again, Mandy is not why I’m here, even though that is an issue. No, my issue is with Claire.
Claude: Ah, well, you’ve had a great run. Ten years, right?
Arthur: Sixteen.
Claude: That long? Wow, time flies.
Arthur: We’re not getting divorced, anyway.
Claude: Of course you’re not! We’ll send Claire to a nice cottage in the countryside and she’ll still appear with you in public, as necessary.
Christine: Which is what Olivia would have done with her ex-husband, if she cared about this family’s image.
Eleanor: Enough about Olivia, she is not even here to defend herself.
Selina: I don’t think we bash her nearly enough!
Arthur: We’re not splitting up, either! At least I don’t think.
Claude: So, my son, what is your issue with Claire, if not for a marital split?
Arthur: We are arguing a bit. Well… I don’t know if you can call if “arguing.” She’s acting odd.
Eleanor: Brain tumor.
Arthur: Do not say that!
Eleanor: They cause erratic behavior! Happened to my uncle Benjamin. He was fine one day, speaking in tongues the next, dead in surgery the day after that.
Claude: That’s awful!
Eleanor: Medicine was not quite as advanced back then. I will leave it there.
Arthur: Last night in bed, she was yelling at me and kicked out of the room because of some very minor misunderstanding. She was just very touchy and easily disturbed. Then, today, I asked her a question. It was a personal question regarding our family, but I was just trying to get her opinion. She gets upset and tenses up and then starts crying! I’ve never seen her like this. She was fine one minute, and in a frenzy the next. Again, she’s never acted like this, not even on her period. I’m worried.
Christine: She’s menopausal.
Arthur: No! She’s too young!
Christine: Look, I know all the signs. She’s showing the signs.
Claude: How can you know for sure? You haven’t seen anything for yourself. She could just be in a bad mood. Maybe she has something weighing on her mind that she didn’t tell you yet, Arthur.
Eleanor: Or there is another medical reason.
Mandy: In my day, we’d just call up the asylum and they’d come collect her! Problem off your hands!
Ethan: Where the hell did she come from?
Mandy: Where am I? Is this not my house?
Christine: You don’t have a house, dearie. You’re not able to be left home alone.
Mandy: I want tea.
Christine: Ethan, make her some tea. And then supervise her, we don’t need her choking or scalding herself.
Ethan: I guess I can do that.
Arthur: So, does anyone have any ideas on how I approach my wife’s newfound moodiness? I assume she won’t appreciate it if I casually mention to her that she’s acting bizarrely.
Christine: You have to just tackle it head-on. It’s important to be honest with each other. It’s why your father and I have had such a successful marriage. We don’t hide from tackling the tough truths.
Claude: Yes! For example, your mother told me I had an ugly spot on my face and it turned out to be a cancerous mole. Her being verbally abusive saved my life!
Christine: I was being honest, not “abusive.” Don’t victimize yourself.
Eleanor: It is important to bring it up! She might not realize anything is amiss, and if it is a health issue, best to address it now.
Arthur: What if she yells at me again?
Claude: Son, you’re the heir apparent to the British throne. I don’t mean to be blunt, but you have to man up.
Later that night…
Claire: Where have you been? I was calling you!
Arthur: I didn’t have my phone on. I was at Buckingham.
Claire: Slandering me to your family, I suppose?
Arthur: Claire, I’m concerned. You’re acting strange. First, you’ve got a temper, then you abruptly began sobbing… is something the matter?
Claire: I’ve begun menopause. It’s hard to talk about, I’m not sure how I was planning on bringing it up to you, but it wasn’t like this.
Arthur: When did you first notice?
Claire: Well, I noticed I wasn’t having my period, so I took a pregnancy test.
I was actually hopeful it would be positive, despite what I said earlier. I guess that was just me trying to convince you you didn’t want another child, to lessen the disappointment when you found this out.
Arthur: I’m not disappointed at all! You can’t help it! You didn’t decide to enter menopause early.
Claire: It just makes me feel… I don’t know. Like something is wrong with me. I just feel broken. This isn’t supposed to happen so soon. I’m only forty-one, my mother went though it a full decade later. I don’t know a single one of my friends who is going through this yet. It doesn’t feel good.
Arthur: You aren’t broken. Everyone’s body is different. I can’t claim to be an expert on this, but I am an expert on you. You’re perfect the way you are.
Claire: That’s a sweet sentiment. Mostly useless, but very sweet.
Arthur: Glad I can be of… mostly useless?
Claire: I can’t help how my brain works. I think we’ve established that today.
Later that week…
Christine: So, Claire, how are you feeling?
Claire: Wonderful! Why?
Christine: Well, uh… never mind.
Olivia: I feel like I’m missing something.
Fred: I always feel that way in this family. I’ve found that the best strategy is to just nod and say “uh-huh.” As long as they’re getting some affirmative response, they don’t realize that you have no idea what’s even being said.
Claude: I resent that suggestion!
Fred: Uh-huh.
Claire: Olivia, I think she was referring to me going through early menopause. It’s been a hot topic in this family lately, mostly because I’ve been acting insane.
Olivia: Oh, tell me about it! I went through it at thirty-seven. Todd wasn’t even ten yet.
Todd: I was always wondering why mommy was yelling at me.
Gigi: She wasn’t yelling at you! That was me! She’d never yell at you, you’re her perfect angel.
Selina: God, they were raised wrong. Still bickering like toddlers in their forties.
Todd: Excuse me! Gigi is in her fifties!
Gigi: You ass.
Olivia: Anyway, Claire, you’ve got an expert to confide in here. I went through exactly what you’re going through, I know how tough it can be. You ever need a shoulder to cry on, or some advice, my line’s always open.
Todd: It’s not always open when I’m trying to call!
Gigi: Because you call her too often! That’s her sending a message: stop calling me!
Claire: That’s very kind of you, Olivia. I never knew you went through menopause so young.
Olivia: It’s not exactly a common dinner conversation, is it? I don’t introduce myself by saying “Hello, I’m Olivia, and I went through menopause beginning at thirty-seven.”
Claire: That’s a fair point! Still, I’m glad to know someone who’s been through this.
Christine: I’ve offered you a lot of advice!
Eleanor: I think Mandy went through early menopause, too. Maybe you can get some advice from her.
Claire: I think I’m good there.
Selina: I can’t imagine her advice being any less credible than Olivia’s!
Olivia: I hope you choke on your soup.
What did you think of this week's episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
