Charlotte: What actually happens in Maine?
Sam: Not much. That’s its charm.
Diane: It’s a beautiful state, filled to the brim with retirees.
Frances: Which means Sam and Diane will feel right at home!
Leslie: I thought we learned not to crack old jokes about her after last week…
Frances: It was an easy layup, I had to go for it.
Diane: I’m fine with it. You’re a senior citizen yourself, it’s your right to make those jokes.
Frances: I am not!
Diane: See! Hypocrite!
Melanie: So anyway, Maine! I have lots of experience here, I vacationed here every summer with my grandparents as a kid. It really is a beautiful state, and there’s a lot to do.
Carly: A lot for grandparents or a lot for people under sixty, as well?
Sam: You say that as if your own husband is under sixty!
Carly: He is!
Sam: Did he tell you that? And you believed him?
Jacqueline: Life doesn’t end at sixty, you know!
Sam: Let me guess… that’s what your therapist has been telling you since your most recent birthday?
Leslie: We get it, you’re all old! Melanie, please continue.
Melanie: Thank you.
Diane: That is the most visibly annoyed I’ve ever seen Melanie with all of you, and I damn near ripped her head off last week because I was crabby about turning… the age I just turned.
Frances: She can forgive Charlotte, though, because she’s got an Oscar.
Melanie: Maine has great seafood -
Sam: Excellent for baking.
Melanie: Acadia National Park is gorgeous, I spent so many hours hiking on the trails and enjoying the sunset on Cadillac Mountain. They have beautiful beaches, lighthouses, we can visit the L.L. Bean store!
Sam: That is my dream, to go to L.L. Bean.
Nicolle: It’s what makes us lesbians.
Melanie: There’s an amazing botanical garden in Boothbay. They have historical buildings. We can see Stephen King’s house!
Sam: I feel like I’m getting a tourism ad for Maine.
Diane: You asked her what was there, she answered flawlessly.
Jacqueline: And again, I don’t mean to ruin anyone’s fun, but you are meant to be working while you’re here. So even if they didn’t have anything exciting to d-
Leslie: It’s no use. Save your breath.
Sam: You put me in a plane, you fly me across the country, my body is going to go into vacation mode. It’s a natural biological function.
Leslie: I don’t know exactly what that means, but you certainly didn’t have to explain to me that you believe this is your vacation.
Melanie: Well, the good news is, Maine is called Vacationland! This is THE place to vacation.
Frances: I took a writer’s retreat here a few decades ago while I was working on my first cookbook.
Diane: And she calls me old!
Frances: It was in rural Maine by the lake, and I went to a restaurant and asked for lobster. They told me they didn’t have lobster. What restaurant in Maine does not serve lobster?
Sam: McDonald’s, I’d assume.
Diane: I don’t know, I got a pretty good lobster roll at a Massachusetts Friendly’s once, I think life is just a bit different up in these parts.
Frances: What I’m saying is, Melanie, you better take me somewhere with lobster. Good lobster!
Melanie: That will certainly be arranged.
Frances: Thank you, all I ask.
Garry: I heard that the easternmost point in the US is in Maine. Maybe we can visit that!
Jacqueline: I don’t think you’re going to have time with all of the working you’re going to be doing.
Sam: You talk about this job like we’re surgeons. We eat cookies on TV.
Frances: And cakes!
Charlotte: And, occasionally, pies!
Sam: We are practically first responders.
Later that day…
Sam: I feel like a Stephen King novel. And why are we on an island? We’re trapped here!
Diane: It’s Maine, not Alcatraz. They have a bridge.
Sam: You know I don’t like islands.
Charlotte: I’m learning so much about all of you on this cross-country trip. I think all this traveling really brings us together.
Sam: It certainly does literally bring us together. I’m not religious, but I’ve begun praying for some damn peace and quiet.
Frances: Do you add the “damn” in your prayers? I don’t know if God’s down with that.
Sam: Look, that’s His problem.
Diane: His?
Sam: I’m not getting into this with you, Ariana Grande.
Garry: I enjoy getting to spend all this time together. It is like a big, long vacation.
Leslie: You guys gotta stop saying that. Especially around Jacqueline.
Jacqueline: You don’t have to talk about me like I’m not here.
Leslie: That wasn’t my intention. I just don’t think you need to hear us speaking about our work like we think it’s a vacation. I know how much that upsets you.
Jacqueline: I’m not a dictator. You don’t need to change the way you speak to appease me.
Sam: You could’ve fooled me.
Frances: I just can’t wait to get to the hotel. It’s been a long day of traveling, and an even longer day of hearing you guys complaining.
Sam: I don’t complain!
Frances: Sure you don’t.
Diane: I’m tired, too. And it’s a busy day tomorrow, so the earlier I get to sleep, the better.
Sam: We’re gonna get dinner first, no?
Diane: The last time you dragged me out to dinner on a travel day, we didn’t get back to the hotel until 8:30!
Sam: My god, the horror!
Melanie: You guys better rest up, I’m giving you the royal tour of Maine later this week!
Charlotte: I don’t hike, just FYI.
Melanie: You’re hiking this week!
Frances: What if she turns over her Oscar as a hiking immunity idol?
Melanie: Not gonna work!
Two days later…
Diane: Ivan, Tyler, the judges were most impressed with the two of you this week.
Sam: Ivan, your whoopie pies were the best of the week, with your red velvet spin on the classic Maine dessert being moist and flavorful.
Diane: Tyler, your blueberry pie was show-stopping, far outdoing the judges’ expectations when they initially heard your take on the Maine blueberry challenge was a standard pie.
Sam: Both of you excelled this week, but the power of blueberries was was Tyler, and he is this week’s top baker! Congratulations!
Diane: Greg, Kim, Michaeleen, Zachariah, you are all safe.
Sam: Andrea, the judges were not impressed by your take on this week’s judges’ challenge, the famed Needham dessert bar. Thankfully, your specialty challenge and your grand challenge were both enough to save you.
Diane: Regina, your Needhams were the worst of the week, falling apart as the judges picked them up to sample them, rendering them almost impossible to eat or judge. You also struggled with your whoopie pies, with the cream filling being runny and inconsistent.
Sam: Leslie, you just could not luck out this week, unfortunately. All three of your bakes had at least one major error, including forgetting a key ingredient in your Needham, underbaking your whoopie pies, and under-delivering in the grand challenge with a simple blueberry muffin. Unfortunately, your time in the kitchen has come to an end.
Diane: We’re gonna miss you, Leslie! For all of us here at Bake Your Heart Out, thank you for watching, and make sure to join us next week as we head west to St. Louis!
Leslie: Cut! Great show, ladies!
Frances: Leslie, I’m sorry we had to send home the lady with the same name as you.
Leslie: No, I’m glad, it was really getting confusing.
Sam: Garry definitely mixed the two of you up a few times in his head.
Garry: I did not!
Sam: You did. That’s why you’re getting defensive!
Garry: I’m not getting defensive!
Melanie: So, everyone ready for tomorrow’s hike?
Charlotte: Ah, god! Where’d she come from?
Melanie: I’ve been here as long as you guys have been.
Charlotte: I know, but I’ve been avoiding you.
Frances: You’ve done a bad job, then. We went to the bar with her last night.
Charlotte: And that was horrifying enough, eating a cheeseburger for dinner. You want to add to my suffering by making me exercise on my vacation?
Leslie: It’s not a vacation!
Jacqueline: That’s it, next season, I’m telling Paul to send them all to Siberia.
Sam: And you want to go there with us and help us battle yetis and scale Everest?
Diane: I don’t think Mount Everest is in Siberia.
Sam: Do I look like I care?
Jacqueline: Typical American!
Sam: At least I don’t talk like… that!
Garry: I happen to like a British accent. It’s fascinating. They pronounce aluminum with an extra “I!”
Sam: That’s great, Garry.
Melanie: Tomorrow, guys! Acadia!
Diane: That sounds great, Melanie!
Frances: Does it?
Leslie: You know, we could drive through it. That’s how my parents saw it.
Melanie: We’ll do that, too! But there’s nothing quite like a hike through Acadia! The trees, the scenery, the connection with nature -
Sam: The bugs.
Melanie: They’re not that bad.
Sam: It’s Maine in summer. I don’t have high hopes.
The next day…
Charlotte: Help! I’m being kidnapped! I’m a famous actress, they’re trying to collect a ransom!
Leslie: That’s not funny!
Charlotte: It’s not meant to be funny! I need someone to save me! Someone, grant me salvation!
Sam: Lord, deliver us from evil.
Frances: You’d think we’re being forced to go through bootcamp with the way these two are whining. No, we’re slowly walking on a pathway that literal children are walking with ease.
Nicolle: Sam’s always been a whiner. It’s part of her charm.
Sam: Don’t say that, honey. It upsets me.
Nicolle: I didn’t mean to upset you, babe.
Garry: I’m enjoying this a lot!
Carly: I lost service.
Frances: Well… we are in the woods. On an island.
Carly: It’s a national park, I think they can shell out the money for cell service!
Frances: Lord.
Melanie: Keep walking, you’ll get it back.
Leslie: I just want to say, I love that we’re doing this. I love staying active, and I love seeing nature. I never get to see this!
Sam: Kiss-ass!
Leslie: Lazy whiner.
Charlotte: My legs hurt!
Frances: Do you guys want me to find a rock to knock both of them out?
Nicolle: Please don’t, I don’t want to have to drag Sam back to the car myself.
Frances: I suppose that’s fair.
One hour later…
Frances: Where did the trail go?
Diane: We haven’t been on a trail in a while.
Frances: Where the hell are we then?
Melanie: It’s a shortcut I know!
Sam: A shortcut to where, exactly?
Melanie: To paradise!
Sam: Oh, she’s absolutely going to kill us.
Charlotte: You know, I was told we could see the ocean at Acadia. Makes sense, we are on an island. I haven’t seen the ocean once.
Melanie: We’ll get there!
Charlotte: I’m being bit up. I’m itchy.
Leslie: You’ll live.
Charlotte: If I break out in bug bites all over my face over this, someone here is paying for my medical treatment!
Garry: I don’t mind a good walk, but I am out of water. So I would like to wrap this us soon, if that’s okay.
Melanie: It’s not much longer!
Sam: How’d you run out of water already?
Carly: I forgot mine at the car, so we’re sharing it.
Sam: Weak. I’d let Nicolle go thirsty if she did something so stupid.
Nicolle: She really would.
Diane: Somehow, still a better marriage than mine.
Sam: Could you even really call that a marriage?
Diane: Don’t twist the knife, you know I’m too exhausted right now to fight you about this.
Thirty minutes later…
Leslie: Melanie, I was a big supporter of this hike, I really did believe in you, but… I think we might be lost.
Frances: Oh, we’re absolutely lost.
Charlotte: Kill me. I don’t want to go on.
Frances: I will miss you dearly, but I must respect your wishes.
Diane: Frances, put that rock down!
Leslie: My god, we’re out in the woods for two hours and it’s already Lord of the Flies.
Sam: It’s only been two hours? No way!
Melanie: I know where we are now!
Leslie: You have been saying that for… a while.
Diane: Melanie, I do love you, but I think we have to stop relying on you to help us navigate here. We’re lost, it’s okay to admit.
Melanie: Things have changed since I’ve been here last.
Charlotte: I can see the news now… “Oscar-winning movie star, eight others found dead in national park.”
Sam: First of all, movie star?
Charlotte: Yes!
Sam: Also, Bake Your Heart Out is way bigger than the “Oscars.” We’re all getting in the headline, except Garry. They’ll make a Best Picture about this ill-fated journey. They’d better cast someone known for playing villains to play Melanie. She knew what would happen!
Melanie: I did not!
Sam: Yes, you did! This was the plan!
Garry: Guys, arguing is not helping our situation!
Sam: Shut up, Garry! No one asked you!
Garry: But maybe you should. We all need to think with reason!
Sam: I wish you’d die.
Charlotte: You’re seemingly about to get that wish, along with the rest of us.
Frances: Are these leaves edible?
Leslie: Frances, don’t eat that.
Frances: I’m starving!
Diane: Here, I brought Chex Mix.
Frances: Diane, I want you to know that I plan to eat you last.
Diane: Aww, that’s… sweet. Disturbing, but sweet.
Three hours later…
Melanie: See, I told you I knew where we were!
Sam: I want to die. Someone take me out of my misery.
Diane: We’re at the gift shop. We can relax, we can eat, we can drink, we can snack. We are saved.
Leslie: I think the gift shop’s closed for the night. I don’t see any cars here.
Sam: I’m gonna cry.
Melanie: To quote George Washington -
Sam: Save it.
Diane: Wait, there’s a security guard! And he’s got a golf cart!
Charlotte: Sir! Save us! We’re exhausted and we’re famous!
Leslie: You’re gonna get us arrested.
Charlotte: That’s better than dying, no?
Leslie: We’re not going to die!
Garry: Sir! We need some help getting back to our car!
Sam: You’re going to repel him!
Thirty minutes later…
Garry: You’re all welcome, by the way. Charlotte nearly scared him off.
Sam: Garry… I appreciate you.
Frances: My god, the world’s going to end.
Sam: Melanie, I can never forgive you for making me say that!
Melanie: I don’t blame you.
What did you think of this week's episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
