Melanie: Diane, we’re landing.
Diane: So?
Melanie: You might want to clear up your area so we can get off when we land.
Diane: I already have Leslie and Jacqueline bossing me around, why are you piling on, too?
Melanie: I’m… never mind.
Sam: Don’t take it personal, Melanie. She’s very cranky when someone disturbs her sleep. When we would share hotel rooms, I’d sometimes wake her up by accidentally turning the light on when I was going to the bathroom, and she’d respond by throwing a pillow at my head.
Diane: And you deserved it. I’m going back to sleep.
Garry (singing): Sweeeeeeet dreaaaaaaams…
Sam: I don’t know if you’re trying to sing the Eurythmics song or the Patsy Cline song, either way, knock it off.
Diane: Would you guys just shut up?
Melanie: I’ve never seen her this cranky. Not even after a nap. Not even when she was getting treatment for cancer.
Jacqueline: All right, w-
Sam: Shh! We’re trying to cheer her up, the last thing she needs to hear is your giant mouth!
Jacqueline: My mouth is not that large!
Sam: It’s very loud. Most of you Brits speak obnoxiously loudly.
Jacqueline: That isn’t fair. Anyway, we need to get off the plane.
Diane: What is the rush? Is the plane gonna blow up?
Jacqueline: We have a schedule to keep.
Diane: We’re not filming today! Let me get my sleep!
Sam: Look, if she wants to stay on a parked plane, I say more power to her.
Diane: You promise?
Garry: It’s not like her to nap like this in the daytime, though. What if something’s wrong? What if she’s got the flu?
Sam: We’ll all find out soon enough, in that case!
Later that day…
Leslie: Where’s Diane?
Sam: Eh, she wanted to stay in her room.
Nicolle: I mean, would you willingly follow Sam?
Sam: Excuse me?
Nicolle: I love you, but you don’t exactly have the most gentle, soothing voice. Imagine that screaming through your door when you’re already down-in-the-dumps.
Sam: I resent that framing.
Charlotte: She really does have a point.
Sam: That’s something I’d expect Gary to say, not you. Traitor!
Leslie: Do we have any idea what’s got her so moody today? She was fine when we left Orlando.
Sam: Look, she’s a kid at heart. I know she’s just heartbroken to be leaving Disney.
Frances: I didn’t think of that possibility. She is very childish. In a nice way!
Charlotte: Is there a nice way to say that?
Frances: People love children. Not me, that’s why I never had them. But most people do.
Garry: You don’t love children? They’re so innocent and sweet!
Carly: I’m sure she’s not including our children in that.
Garry: Yeah, we’ll say that.
Frances: I bet Charlotte letting her hold her Oscar would cheer her right up! Did you guys know she has an Oscar?
Charlotte: God forbid a woman be proud of herself.
Frances: Now she’s pulling the feminist card.
Sam: So, where are we going for dinner?
Leslie: You’re really not worried about Diane?
Sam: I worry enough about Diane. My life doesn’t revolve around Diane.
Leslie: Quite defensive!
Nicolle: She’s being a bit performative for my sake. She knows I get jealous.
Leslie: You get jealous? Over what?
Nicolle: I mean, my wife spends most of her day with another woman. It’s natural to be jealous.
Sam: There’s no way you’re jealous of Diane.
Nicolle: Not really, but I have to pretend to be. To spice things up.
Leslie: Anyway, the hotel has a restaurant. I thought we could just go there.
Sam: Like tourists?
Leslie: We are tourists.
Sam: No, we’re VIPs. We could get a table at any restaurant in the city.
Frances: Yeah, but I’m starving.
Sam: I’m willing to wait for quality food.
Frances: I should slap you.
Leslie: All right, she’s hangry.
Sam: Just give her a Snickers from the minibar to tide her over on the way to a real restaurant, Paul’s the one who’ll have to pay for it.
Nicolle: Honey, let’s just go to the restaurant here tonight. We have all week to go to other restaurants around town.
Sam: They better have crab.
Leslie: It’s Baltimore, I think that would be a safe bet.
At the restaurant…
Garry: Is that Diane?
Frances: Not all old white women look alike, Garry.
Charlotte: Yeah, Frances and Diane look nothing alike!
Frances: I’m not old.
Charlotte: And I’m not an Oscar winner.
Frances: Could I kill her? Would that be illegal?
Leslie: Very much so. Especially since she’s under contract.
Garry: I’m gonna go see if that’s Diane.
Sam: Lord…
Carly: Honey, I don’t think she wants to be bothered, if that is her.
Nicolle: She does have a very familiar face, it might not be her.
Sam: It’s her. That’s her purse.
Nicolle: You can ID her purse from across the room?
Sam: It has Winnie the Pooh on it. Who else has a purse with Winnie the Pooh on it?
Frances: She got it in Disney, right? As a souvenir.
Sam: No, she’s had it for years.
Melanie: Should we go up and say hi now that we know it’s her? It would feel awkward if she noticed we were here once we sat down.
Sam: We could avoid this by going to another restaurant!
Frances: We’re here, we’re eating. Now.
Leslie: Let’s just take a seat and worry about Diane when it comes to it.
A bit later…
Garry: Did they just take a birthday cake to Diane’s little table?
Sam: Oh my god.
Garry: What? Did I say something wrong? Am I not supposed to be watching over there?
Sam: That’s why she’s acting so weird. Tomorrow’s her birthday! Her seventieth birthday.
Frances: Yeah, that’ll do it.
Charlotte: Do you remember your seventieth birthday?
Frances: I could kill you.
Garry: Why would she be upset about her birthday? Birthdays are fun!
Leslie: Not for those of us with a firm grasp of mortality.
Frances: Yeah, not all of us can marry trophy spouses and have children late in life. Not that I’d want to, I’m a grown-up.
Melanie: What if she’s just upset that none of us have mentioned it?
Leslie: It’s not until tomorrow, so if that were the case, she’d have started the meltdowns tomorrow, not today.
Sam: I don’t think we’re supposed to mention it at all. It’s clearly a sore subject for her.
Garry: She’s never been upset like this for any other birthday.
Sam: This is a big one. Not that I’m familiar with it, I’m the younger one, of course. Much younger.
Nicolle: Not that much younger.
Melanie: So we’re just going to ignore it completely tomorrow?
Sam: Yep! This too shall pass.
The next day…
Sam: Bakers, today we are in beautiful Baltimore, Maryland, and you know what that means: crab!
Diane: They’re making crab? I don’t think that’s considered baking.
Sam: It is when you bake it into a cake.
Diane: Ew!
Sam: Good thing they’re not doing that, because Baltimore has so many other desserts to offer!
Diane: Such as?
Sam: Do I have to do everything this week?
Diane: It’s about time you pull your weight!
Sam: Well, bakers, while Diane and I sort this out, you’re going to be making Baltimore peach cake for your specialty challenge! It’s a Baltimore classic that you will have to put your very own spin on! Good luck, and bake your hearts out!
Leslie: Excellent, moving on!
Sam: Diane, what the hell was that?
Diane: What?
Sam: Be moody off-camera all you want. We gotta be professional.
Diane: I didn’t do anything.
Sam: It’s about time I pull my weight?
Diane: Playful banter!
Sam: Come on.
Diane: I don’t know why you’re talking to me like this on my birthday, but it’s really upsetting. Leslie, I need a minute!
Charlotte: Sam, what did you do?
Sam: You all saw that, no?
Frances: We were supposed to go easy on her today and let this pass.
Sam: She was being unprofessional!
Diane: I got it! No need to keep doubling down and making me feel worse on my birthday!
Leslie: Guys, we don’t need to do this in front of the bakers. This is… embarrassing.
Charlotte: I can’t afford to end up on TMZ.
Garry: I like TMZ. They’re nice to me.
Sam: Because they know you’re dumb enough to talk to them and share secrets just because they buttered you up slightly.
Jacqueline: Outside! Everyone! Now!
Leslie: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Jacqueline… that’s a good idea.
Jacqueline: I’m full of them, if anyone would ever listen!
Outside the studio…
Jacqueline: You two need to work this out, immediately. This is not happening, not on this show. It’s too important to the network to let petty infighting derail it.
Sam: I find’t do anything!
Diane: You started flipping out at me! On my birthday!
Sam: I didn’t think we were even supposed to mention your birthday, with the way you’ve been acting. You’ve been avoiding us, snapping at us, now making these snide remarks… it’s odd! It’s completely unlike you.
Charlotte: For the record, I’ve noticed -
Sam: She’s lying.
Charlotte: I find’t even finish speaking!
Sam: You were making your lying face. It’s so easy to detect, it’s why I would’ve never voted to give you that Oscar.
Leslie: It’s like you’re trying to start fights now.
Sam: I’m sorry, sometimes I just can’t hep myself.
Frances: Diane, you have been acting unusual the last few days. I’m not judging, I’m just saying, I see where Sam’s coming from.
Diane: I feel unusual! I’m seventy years old now, and what do I have to show for my life? I’ve got kids who live across the country from me, my husband is a dead cheater, and my old friends are, no offense, all of you. My greatest success in life has come from making cheesy puns on a baking show. I feel like I’ve wasted my life.
Leslie: Well that does sting.
Diane: I don’t mean to insult you. I can just see clearly that my life is, you know… closer to the end than the beginning. And it’s sent me into a spiral. It’s not that I’m unhappy or that I don’t love so much of my life. I just wish things could be different. I wish I weren’t alone, I wish my kids lived closer, I wish I found more professional success on my own merit. Be honest, I wasn’t exactly some big get from the A-list when you got me to host this show.
Leslie: I was a huge fan of your work, and you ended up here simply because of the merits of your career.
Diane: But very few people watching our show know me as anything but the lady who pesters bakers with puns while they’re trying to work.
Garry: It’s better than being totally unknown, right?
Diane: I guess.
Frances: Diane, you’re so loved. By us, by your kids, by the audience. Your life has been remarkable. I understand the instinct to melt down over the imperfections of life, but you have done so well for yourself.
Sam: And you have a ton of life left! Life’s not over at seventy, not that I’m speaking from experience, as I am so youthful.
Diane: I’m sorry that I’ve been a bit of a bitch to all of you.
Melanie: It’s fine! Life’s a bitch sometimes!
Jacqueline: It’s not totally fine… this is costing us money.
Leslie: Jacqueline, just go.
Jacqueline: Will do.
Garry: I think we need a proper birthday celebration, because Diane has so much to celebrate and be happy about!
Sam: I know a place that has cake!
Diane: I’m not really a peach girl.
Sam: Treats us like dirt and now she’s getting picky over how we celebrate her birthday… some people are so spoiled.
Later that night…
Everyone but Diane: Haaaaaaapy birthday to you…
Diane: My god, they’re so off-tune. It’s just perfect.
Carly: I am not off-tune!
Diane: Of course not, dear.
Carly: It’s all Sam’s fault.
Diane: It often is.
What did you think of this week's episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
