Diane: Isn’t it just magical to be here in St. Louis?
Sam: I guess that’s a word for it.
Diane: You don’t like it?
Sam: It’s St. Louis. Their major tourist attraction is an arch.
Frances: Well Chicago’s is a bean, but you liked visiting there.
Charlotte: Has Sam ever genuinely “liked” anything in her life?
Diane: She likes me!
Sam: Eh… you’re better than Garry, at least.
Frances: That’s not hard.
Melanie: Aww, I like you, Garry.
Garry: Were they saying something?
Melanie: Nope, nothing at all.
Sam: At least he’s going deaf. That’s one thing he’s doing right.
Diane: Sam, that’s awful. Almost as awful as you hating on St. Louis!
Sam: It’s just… fine. Nothing great, nothing awful. Totally fine. I don’t think that’s terribly harsh.
Leslie: It’s pretty accurate, really.
Melanie: Didn’t you say you have family here?
Leslie: Yeah, my aunt and uncle moved here from Oklahoma when I was a girl. It’s why I can confidently say that “fine” is a perfect description of St. Louis, Missouri.
Sam: People move to St. Louis?
Diane: I think it’s a wonderful city! They made a Judy Garland movie about it!
Garry: The Wizard of Oz was about St. Louis?
Sam: My god.
Garry: What? Have I said something wrong?
Sam: As usual, yes. She was obviously referring to Meet Me in St. Louis.
Diane: One of my favorite films! It always made me want to come to St. Louis!
Sam: They couldn’t have even been bothered to give that movie a title that made St. Louis sound exciting. Judy’s literally begging her man to meet her in St. Louis, because she knows it’s a god-awful hellhole.
Leslie: Sam, I don’t particularly like this city -
Charlotte: Why are we here, actually? Don’t you make the schedule?
Leslie: We can’t keep overlooking Missouri. It’s a populous state, lots of fans of the show here.
Sam: That’s another thing! How she just pronounced Missouri. I hate it. It isn’t supposed to be said “Miss-er-ah,” but the people who live here think it is! Insanity!
Frances: I just hope that waitress gets here with our food soon, so you all can shut up. Not you, Melanie.
Carly: I wasn’t even talking!
Frances: Then I obviously didn’t mean you, miss sensitive!
Sam: What is taking so long? Is this the only restaurant in St. Louis or something? Come on!
Diane: Oh my god! That woman at the table next to us just collapsed!
Leslie: Ma’am, are you okay? Do you need help?
Sam: Maybe we call 9-1-1 before we try to start a conversation like we’re conducting an interview on The View.
Leslie: Ma’am, I don’t know if you can hear me. I am trained in CPR and I am going to help. Hey, you, put that camera down!
Frances: I think this is What Would You Do. Where is John Quiñones?
Leslie: Sam, could you make good on calling 9-1-1 like you suggested? I’m getting a pulse, but she needs medical attention quickly.
Sam: I don’t know the number.
Leslie: Not the time for jokes!
Sam: Chill! I’m dialing, because I’m a good person.
Diane: I must admit, this was not how I imagined our first day in St. Louis going.
Sam: This is the most exciting thing that’s gonna happen, too.
Later that day, at the group’s hotel…
Charlotte: That was an eventful dinner.
Melanie: I didn’t realize Leslie was trained in CPR.
Leslie: It’s a useful skill to have! I’m no hero, but many people did call me one tonight.
Sam: It really is a useful skill to have with all these elderly folks around. You might have to use those skills on us too!
Diane: At least she’s admitted to being old!
Frances: I am not old!
Charlotte: Here we go again…
Garry: What does it feel like to have saved a life?
Sam: I mean, the lady was old - even older than us. She really just delayed the inevitable.
Diane: Sam!
Sam: She was like eighty-five.
Diane: Oh my lord. I’m going to bed.
Nicolle: Yeah, on that note, I’m ready for golden slumbers myself.
Charlotte: Good job, Sam. You killed the mood.
Leslie: And just when I was about to ask you guys to join me for celebratory drinks!
Frances: “Celebratory drinks,” as if she just got a promotion or something.
Melanie: Hey, this could earn her a promotion to sainthood!
Sam: St. Leslie, now that’s a wretched thought.
Leslie: I’m a mere mortal. I’m under no illusion I’m some all-powerful healing angel. That being said, I think I did something pretty damn good today, and I wanted to celebrate it.
Garry: I’ll join you for a drink.
Carly: Will you?
Garry: Am I allowed?
Carly: Do you promise not to get drunk and sing karaoke with this co-worker?
Garry: I promise.
Carly: Have fun.
Sam: I guess that settles it. I’m also going up to the room to get ready for bed. No way I’m getting stuck having martinis with Garry.
Charlotte: Hey, it could be worse. Jacqueline could be there!
Leslie: Why would you try to manifest that for me? I saved a woman’s life, I deserve to be rewarded, not punished!
Jacqueline: Hey! Fancy seeing you in the lobby on this evening!
Leslie: Charlotte, I blame you!
Charlotte: I know.
The next day, Leslie is awoken by a phone call.
Leslie: Paul! What time is it over there? It’s got to be three in the morning!
Paul: Well, I couldn’t sleep.
Leslie: So you called me?
Paul: I figured you were awake.
Leslie: You figured wrong, but that’s fine. Call me back when you wake up tomorrow morning and we can talk about whatever this is. I’m getting my last hour of sleep in while I can.
Paul: Wait, wait! I’ll be brief. I couldn’t sleep, so I went on TikTok. Imagine my shock when I see a video of you saving a woman’s life! You’re viral!
Leslie: Oh, it’s nothing. The woman’s daughter cried in my eyes and thanked me for saving her mom, but that’s a normal day in the life of a TV producer, you know?
Paul: I think we gotta get you on TV! How about an interview on Wake Up, America! tomorrow? It’s great promo for the show, it’ll go viral on TikTok! Maybe we can even get the old lady or her family to “surprise” you during the interview!
Leslie: Just text me your ideas, and I’m gonna go back to sleep now. I have work in. A few hours.
Paul: Call out sick!
Leslie: I think my boss might know I’m not sick.
Paul: I can’t imagine him caring.
Later that day, on the set…
Sam: There she is, our savior!
Leslie: Oh, stop!
Sam: No, you first.
Leslie: Did I single-handedly save a life? Perhaps. But I think all the fuss about it is getting silly. I‘m getting so many interview requests about it. I didn’t do it for fame -
Diane: One would hope not!
Leslie: I did it because we should all try to do good. That’s what my mama and daddy taught me.
Frances: Is it just me or is she sounding more southern for some reason?
Leslie: Well, I just got done with an interview for Mornin’, Missouri!, so that could have something to do with it. It sure felt like I was reconnecting with my people.
Sam: Gag me with a spoon.
Garry: Sure thing!
Sam: Get away from me!
Leslie: Look, this is all going to blow over soon, and you won’t have to hear about it anymore. And that’s probably for the best!
Sam: It assuredly is.
Jacqueline: Leslie! The governor is here to meet you.
Diane: Oh, I’ve got some things to say to him!
Sam: Calm, Norma Rae.
Diane: This lying, racist, homophobic bigot can kiss my -
Leslie: grits.
Jacqueline: Mr. Governor, Leslie… what’s your last name again?
Sam: Jordan.
Leslie: No! That’s a different person. A man!
Sam: Nielsen.
Leslie: Also a man!
Governor Powter: Whatever your surname is, I’m just glad to have you here in beautiful Missouri. We sure do thank you for what you did last night. Your quick-thinking saved the life of a beloved member of the St. Louis community, and a dear constituent of mine. I had to come meet you in person to thank you myself.
Leslie: That’s very kind, Mr. Governor. You didn’t have to do this, though. I did nothing special. It’s something anyone with any decency ought to do in my situation.
Governor Powter: But so many wouldn’t. You are a true hero to Missourians!
Sam: Ugh, I hate how he just said that.
Governor Powter: I’d also like to add, my wife and I are such fans of your show.
Diane: Sam’s a lesbian! Take that!
Sam: Thank you, Diane. I think you were trying to defend me, but I’m not entirely sure.
Governor Powter: It’s lovely to meet you all.
Frances: Politicians really are all liars!
The next day…
Jacqueline: You’re all practically joined at the hip. Where on earth is your pal Leslie? Is she unaware that she still has to come in to work despite being seen as the modern Mother Teresa by these hillbillies?
Diane: I don’t like your tone, Jacqueline.
Jacqueline: And I don’t like working on this show. We’re both unhappy, good.
Frances: I think Leslie had an interview. I don’t know, though. We haven’t seen much of her the last two days.
Charlotte: I’m worried she’s becoming more famous than me!
Sam: In your defense, I don’t think the people of Missouri are necessarily the target audience of your films.
Garry: Why are we all talking about St. Louis like it’s the boonies?
Sam: Because I hate being here and I very much don’t approve of Leslie becoming a media darling when that should be me!
Frances: I mean… you’re certainly no Shirley Temple.
Diane: The drink or the person?
Frances: Both! She lacks the sweetness of the drink and the childlike wonder of the person. Those tend to be factors that help you become a media darling. Leslie is kind and saved an old woman from dying from cardiac arrest on the floor of a restaurant. Sam kinda just wanders around heckling people.
Sam: People who deserve it!
Jacqueline: Well, regardless of how much people love this little “hero” story, Leslie’s acting very unprofessional. I will be contacting Paul with my concerns.
Diane: Isn’t Paul the one who’s been pushing her to do so many interviews? Apparently he thinks it’s ideal promotion for the show.
Sam: My god, we aren’t even the faces of our own show anymore. This is sick. This has to be some sort of breach of contract. We can sue!
Garry: You’re acting silly, Sam.
Sam: Don’t take that tone with me!
Leslie: I am so sorry I’m l-
Jacqueline: Leslie, we have to talk.
Leslie: Did you save a woman’s life recently? No! Good talk! Off to work, gang!
Diane: Yes, ma’am!
Sam: Have your fifteen minutes of fame, Leslie. Sam Ellwood always comes out on top!
Frances: It astounds me that you manage to make even this some sort of competition.
Sam: It astounds me that that astounds you.
What did you think of this week's episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
