Marietta Season 1, Episode 16
Dial M for Marietta
Marietta sits on her couch, picks up her phone, and dials Tammy.
Marietta: Tammy, where are you? Aren’t picking me up for that girls trip to the winery?
Tammy: I'm so sorry Marietta, I can’t go.
Marietta: You just got back in town, I really want to relax and hang out before we have to get back to campaigning on Monday.
Tammy: I know Marietta. Believe me, I really wish I could go. But my throat is killing me and my nose is running and I can’t go anywhere like this. The tabloids would have a field day if they saw me. There’d probably be ten stories about my impending death by Monday morning.
Marietta: At least come over, we can drink some wine together and play a game or something.
Tammy: Marietta, I don’t think you understand. I feel horrible, I can’t be playing games right now. Or drinking alcohol. Don’t you know that alcohol can make a cold worse?
Marietta: Are you sure about that?
Tammy: Very sure. I think.
Marietta: Ha! So you aren’t very sure. You can totally come over, I won’t push you too hard.
Tammy starts coughing violently.
Marietta: On second thought, maybe don’t. Just get rest.
Tammy: I can still talk to you on the phone if you have anything you’d like to say quickly.
Marietta: Of course I want to talk! What do you want to talk about?
Tammy: Nothing really. I just want to stare at my eyelids right now. But I can stay on if there’s some hot gossip you’ve been dying to tell me.
Marietta: Oh boy, is there. So remember when I was in Pennsylvania with my family?
Tammy: You mean that little hick town I had to pick you up at a week ago? Yeah, I remember it.
Marietta: Anyway, Milton was in charge of getting us rooms. Well, he only got us one room because apparently the only inn in town was fully booked.
Tammy: That doesn’t sound like very much fun.
Marietta: We stayed in a one bedroom, two bed suite. And since Milton paid, he insisted on the kind bed. My parents had to sleep on the pull-out sofa. That left me to sleep on a blanket laid out on the floor. For. Two. Nights. I could barely walk!
Tammy: It’s not like there was much to see in that town! That was the best time to be unable to walk.
Marietta: You aren’t wrong.
Marietta is getting a call from Eliza.
Marietta: Tammy, I have to put you on hold for a minute. I’m getting a call from my cousin.
Tammy: I could just talk to you tomorrow. I’m sure you won’t forget -
Marietta: Nah, I’ll be back. Don’t go anywhere!
Tammy: I don’t plan on it.
Marietta answers Eliza’s call.
Eliza: Marietta! I have huge news to share with you. Literally!
Marietta: Eliza! It’s so great to hear from you! What did you want to tell me?
Eliza: I went to the OB/GYN yesterday and got some crazy news!
Marietta: What is it?
Eliza: I’m having twins!
Marietta: My goodness! That sounds so exhausting and thrilling at the same time!
Eliza: It is!
Marietta: How's Elena taking all of this?
Eliza: She’s excited. We don’t know how we’re gonna handle it with Henrietta and her baby also in the mix, but we’re taking it one day at a time.
Marietta: I know you’ll be able to deal with it, you always do.
Eliza: I sure hope so. But I do have to confess something.
Marietta: What’s that?
Eliza: When I got home from my appointment, I rushed straight for the freezer and stress ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
Marietta: What flavor?
Eliza: Milk & Cookies.
Marietta: Oh honey, we’ve all stress ate a pint of that. It’s like eating heaven.
Eliza: Alright, I have another confession.
Marietta: Oh boy.
Eliza: I ate two pints of it!
Marietta: Okay, haven’t all done that, but you’re eating for three. It's acceptable.
Eliza: Elena did the same thing.
Marietta: Well… she was eating for three by proxy.
Eliza: I don't know what that’s supposed to mean, but I’m still gonna use that line.
Marietta: Happy to help. Now, I have a question for you. Have you told your aunt Patty Lynn yet?
Eliza: No, I'm gonna call her then.
Marietta: Good. But, don’t let her know you told me first. That’s not gonna go so well.
Eliza: Alright, I won’t.
Marietta: Alright, I have to get back to my conversation with Tammy now, she’s waiting for me. Bye bye sweetie.
Eliza: Bye Marietta, love you!
Marietta: Aww, I haven’t heard you say that that in so long. It’s nice to hear. I love you too, kid.
Marietta hangs up with Eliza and switches back to her conversation with Tammy.
Tammy: So, what did Eliza have to say?
Marietta: She’s having twins, apparently.
Tammy: Wow, that great. I’m happy for her, she seems like a lovely girl.
Marietta: She is. Her wife is too, they deserve a family of their own and I’m glad they’re getting it. Unfortunately for them, though, my mother is going to bug them constantly to see the kids. So it’s a blessing and a curse.
Tammy: Speaking of your mother, you were telling me about your family trip to Pennsylvania.
Marietta: Oh, well. It’s a doozy. So Milton said that the receptionist told him there was only one room available. But when we went outside on our first full day in town, the vacancy sign was still lit and we asked the receptionist about it. He said there were plenty of rooms for us to stay in. They were discriminating against us because they hate my political views, I know it.
Tammy: Marietta, I’m sure there’s other explanations. Maybe Milton screwed up.
Tammy: Milton always screws up when we go on vacation, and I’d love to blame him, but this time I know its different. It’s just -
Marietta is getting a call from Patty Lynn.
Marietta: Hang on Tammy, I have to talk to my mom real quick!
Tammy: Are you kidding me??? I just want to sleep!
Marietta: Just hold on, I’ll be right back.
Marietta answers Patty Lynn’s call.
Patty Lynn: Marietta, why did you make Eliza tell you she was having twins before she told me?
Marietta: Hello mother. I take it Eliza told you her secret.
Patty Lynn: Yes she did. Now can you please answer my question?
Marietta: Are you being serious right now? Sometimes I just don’t know.
Patty Lynn: I’m totally serious. Please answer me.
Marietta: She called me, I didn’t make her do anything.
Patty Lynn: I don’t believe you.
Marietta: Cool.
Patty Lynn: Anyway, you know that inn we stayed in when we were in Pennsylvania last week?
Marietta: Obviously, mom. It was a week ago.
Patty Lynn: Well, I forgot my tennis bracelet there.
Marietta: Mom!
Patty Lynn: I know. I was looking for it today before I went to the supermarket and I couldn’t find it anywhere. Then I remembered that the last time I was wearing it was in Pennsylvania.
Marietta: Do you remember the name of the inn?
Patty Lynn: No.
Marietta: Call Milton, he’ll know. Once you get that, call me back.
Patty Lynn: Alright. Talk to you soon.
Patty Lynn hangs up with Marietta and calls Milton.
Patty Lynn: Hey Milton, Eliza told me to tell you she’s having twins!
Milton: Are you kidding me? Why am I always the last to know? Did I do something to Eliza?
Patty Lynn: Stop worrying about it Milton, she’s got a lot on her plate right now. It doesn’t make sense to freak out about who she told directly or what order she told us in.
Milton: She told Marietta first, didn’t she?
Patty Lynn: Yes, and it drives me crazy! I’m her aunt, she should come to me first. I was the most welcoming of all of us when she came back to town!
Milton: I don’t know about that. I did give her a free place to live.
Patty Lynn: Yeah, but I baked beignets for her. That’s a special gift from the heart.
Milton: Sure it is. But I gave her a house to live in. And she can’t even call me. That’s it, I’m calling her. I need to see what her problem is.
Patty Lynn: You should absolutely do that, Milton! But first, and this a completely random question, do you remember the name of the inn we slept in when we were in Pennsylvania?
Milton: The Inn at St. Claire. Why? What did you do?
Patty Lynn: Nothing Milton! I’m just writing it in my journal.
Milton: Since when do you keep a journal?
Patty Lynn: Since… last week!
Milton: Suuuure. I don’t have time for this nonsense, so I’m just gonna let you go. Bye mom.
Patty Lynn: Bye Milton.
Patty Lynn hangs up and calls Marietta.
Marietta: Can we make this call quick mom? Tammy’s waiting for me and we’ve been interrupted about fifteen times.
Patty Lynn: Why don’t you just let her go and call her later?
Marietta: You know, she keeps making that suggestion and I don’t know why. It makes no sense.
Patty Lynn is getting a call.
Patty Lynn: Hold on Marietta, someone’s calling me.
Marietta: Who is it?
Patty Lynn: I don’t know. Let me see.
Patty Lynn switches over to her other call.
Patty Lynn: Who is this?
Caller: This is the IRS calling to inform you that.
Patty Lynn: Bye!
Patty Lynn switches back to her phone call with Marietta.
Marietta: So who was it?
Patty Lynn: A robocall. They said it was the IRS but I know it’s crap.
Marietta: I sure hope you’re right.
Patty Lynn: Anyway Marietta, Milton said the inn is called The Inn at St. Claire. So can you call them for me please?
Marietta: I’ll do it right away. Tammy won’t mind. I’ll call you as soon as I hear something.
Patty Lynn: Alright, thanks dear.
Patty Lynn hangs up with Marietta and immediately gets a call from Marcy.
Patty Lynn: Hey Marcy, how are you?
Marcy: To be honest Pat, I’m not doing well.
Patty Lynn: Please call me Patty Lynn.
Marcy: No thanks, Pat.
Patty Lynn: So, for what reason am I given the absolute honor of speaking with you on this fine afternoon?
Marcy: Have you been reading this month's book for book club?
Patty Lynn: It Takes a Village by Hillary Clinton?
Marcy: Yeah, that one. Well it turns out that Eleanor had a different book in mind and I got mixed up when I told you that was our book. The real book is Unsinkable: A Memoir by Debbie Reynolds.
Patty Lynn: What? But book club is on Thursday!
Marcy: I know, I’m sorry this is such short notice.
Patty Lynn: Oh I'm sure you are.
Marcy: I really am, please don’t be mad.
Patty Lynn: I’m not. But I won’t be coming to book club this week, that's just too short notice for me.
Marcy: Alright, that’s fine. Eleanor will be disappointed but I guess that’s life.
Patty Lynn: Yep, too bad for Eleanor. I’ll see you all next month.
Patty Lynn is getting a call from Marietta.
Patty Lynn: Okay Marcy, I’m getting a call from my daughter. Talk to you later, unfortunately.
Marcy: Bye.
Patty Lynn hangs up with Marcy and answers Marietta’s call.
Marietta: Mom! I have bad news.
Patty Lynn: What’s wrong?
Marietta: I called the inn. They don’t have your tennis bracelet.
Patty Lynn: What? Why?
Martin: Patty Lynn, I found your bracelet!
Patty Lynn: What’s that honey?
Martin: I found your bracelet!
Patty Lynn: That’s great! I have to tell Marietta!
Marietta: I heard. That’s great news, mom. I wish I’d have known before I had to talk to a Republican from Pennsyltucky, but still great to hear.
Patty Lynn: Thanks for calling for me anyway. That bracelet was the first anniversary gift your father ever got me and it means so much to me. I’m so glad to have it back. I love you sweetie, have a good night.
Marietta: Mom, that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.
Patty Lynn: I mean it, too. Bye bye dear.
Marietta: Talk to you soon mom, love you.
Marietta hangs up with Patty Lynn and switches back to her call with Tammy.
Tammy: Alright, so can we finally finish this phone call?
Marietta: Yes! So we were talking about the fundraiser.
Tammy: No, we were going to get to that. But you never finished telling me about your trip to Pennsylvania!
Marietta: Alright. So your arrival there was literally a miracle. Because I don’t know if I could have taken another second of it. We all wanted to kill each other, we only had one bathroom, there wasn’t any food, it was just a mess. I’m so happy to be home.
Tammy: I’m happy to not be home. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband, but I couldn’t spend another minute at home alone with him. It was so boring. He only watches HGTV and -
Marietta: Don’t insult HGTV. The Property Brothers are my life.
Tammy: I prefer Trading Spaces, but that’s just me.
Marietta: That’s still on?
Tammy: It came back! I guess there weren’t enough design shows on HGTV, so we needed another one! Anyway, at least here there’s always something interesting going on!
Marietta: Speaking of interesting things, how was the fundraiser?
Tammy: Oh, it was awful. Absolutely awful. The turnout was huge, but everyone was in a terrible mood because of the government shutdown happening right now.
Marietta: Oh right, I forgot about that! It’s nice to not work in Washington anymore.
Tammy: I know! We still get all of the fun of politics without any of the hassle. Why didn’t we do this sooner?
Marietta: Because Louisiana only recently decided that they hate me!
Tammy: Ha! New York will love me always.
Marietta is getting a call from Betty.
Marietta: Hang on a minute Tammy, I need to answer this call.
Tammy: Again? Who is it this time?
Marietta: Betty Benoit.
Tammy: Can you say that again? Because it sounded like you said Betty Benoit.
Marietta: I did.
Tammy: You have got to be kidding me.
Marietta: Nope. I want to see what it's about.
Tammy: Please just hurry. I feel awful and need to rest.
Marietta: I’ll make it quick.
Marietta answers the call from Betty.
Marietta: What are you calling for, Betty Benoit?
Betty: I have a huge favor to ask.
Marietta: The answer is no.
Betty: You don’t even know what it is yet.
Marietta: I don’t care, I don’t want to know.
Betty: It’s really important. And for a good cause.
Marietta: Fine. Tell me what you want.
Betty: I want you to speak at a charity fundraiser with me.
Marietta: Sounds… harmless. What do you want me to speak with you for? You hate me.
Betty: I don’t hate you Marietta. I actually think we’re a lot alike. That’s why I want you to speak with me.
Marietta: Alright, what’s the charity? I don't want to agree to go and then find out it’s some Republican advocacy group and I’m just there to get pig’s blood dumped on me like in Carrie.
Betty: It’s for animal abuse prevention. I thought you'd like to speak at it since you always used to bring your dog to work with you.
Marietta: Don’t bring Patches up. I still haven’t gotten over him and I miss him dearly. But I’m in. It sounds harmless and it could even be fun.
Betty: Oh, that’s great! I’m still supporting Amy Applewhite, but it's great that you’ll be at the fundraiser.
Marietta: When is the fundraiser, by the way?
Betty: May 16.
Marietta: Alright, I'll be there.
Betty: See you then!
Marietta: Oh, I’m sure I'll see you before then. I always get unlucky like that.
Betty: You’re a real comedian Marietta! Bye now!
Marietta hangs up with Betty and immediately gets a call from Milton.
Marietta: What’s up Milton?
Milton: I just talked to Eliza.
Marietta: Oh, that's nice. Did she tell you her news?
Milton: Well, kinda. First, mom called me to tell me.
Marietta: Oh boy.
Milton: Once mom told me, because apparently Eliza didn’t want to have to talk to me, I called Eliza up to find out what the hell her problem is.
Marietta: You didn’t.
Milton: I did.
Marietta: Please tell me you didn’t yell at a pregnant woman.
Milton: I didn’t. I nicely asked her why she never tells me her news personally, but always tells you and mom.
Marietta: And…?
Milton: She said she didn’t have my phone number. Total bull.
Marietta: Well, did you ever give her your number?
Milton: No.
Marietta: Then how is it nonsense?
Milton: It’s just a convenient excuse. She could have asked mom for my number.
Marietta: She probably didn’t want to just get your number without you asking. But since you called her, she has it now so the problem’s solved.
Milton: She’ll find a new excuse.
Marietta: Whatever. I don’t have time for your nonsense today. I have to get back to Tammy.
Milton: That’s rude.
Marietta: Bye Milton!
Marietta hangs up with Milton and switches back to her call with Tammy.
Marietta: Alright Tammy, I’m back!
Tammy doesn’t respond.
Marietta: Tammy…?
What did you think of the episode? Comment your thoughts and listen to the playlist below. Catch an all-new episode of Marietta next Monday at 8 PM Eastern!
