Teri: Guys, you do know what’s coming up, right?
Ralph: The midterm elections. Cindy, they’re Wednesday, November 4th.
Cindy: Do I look dumb enough to believe they’re holding elections on a Wednesday?
Teri: No, I’m not talking about elections. I try to avoid ever mentioning those around… people of your kind.
Cindy: Patriots?
Teri: I’m sure you believe that’s what you are.
Ralph: Before you two start ripping each others’ hair out, how about you just say what’s coming up.
Teri: Mom’s birthday!
Ralph: Oh my god, it is!
Teri: Yeah! Like I said!
Cindy: Were you guys not aware? Do you own calendars?
Teri: Look, it was Halloween, I was distracted. I was eating candy.
Ralph: God, I love candy.
Cindy: We all love candy. Almost as much as -
Ralph: As you love Jesus? We get it, Cindy.
Cindy: Almost as much as we love mom.
Teri: Aww, that was actually kinda sweet.
Cindy: I am sweet! I’m a servant of our Lord!
Ralph: There she goes!
Teri: It’s not just any birthday, though, guys. Mom’s turning eighty.
Ralph: She isn’t eighty already? She keeps saying she’s eighty?
Teri: I think she’s just rounding up. I admire her bravery in doing so. I still claim I’m thirty.
Ralph: That’s hilarious!
Teri: It’s not that funny. Stop laughing.
Ralph: You’re forty-five!
Cindy: Oh, dear. No wonder mom is worried about your eggs drying up and dying.
Teri: You’re so mean for a Christina woman.
Ralph: No shock there!
Teri: Ralph…
Ralph: You’re the one who called her mean first.
Teri: Let’s get back on track. Mom’s eightieth birthday is a big deal. We have to do something to celebrate it.
Ralph: We always celebrate it. We get her a cake, you buy her a gift that I throw my name on -
Teri: This is a special one, it requires a special celebration. Not everyone gets to eighty!
Cindy: Quite a cheery way to look at it.
Teri: I’m just saying, it’s an achievement, and it needs to be celebrated.
Ralph: Knowing mom, she’s already planning a celebration for herself.
Cindy: Yeah, maybe we just let her do it.
Teri: No, we need to go all out and show her what she means to us. Maybe we can get the HOA to let us use their clubhouse.
Cindy: You want to ask Anita to let us host mom’s birthday party at the building she rules with an iron fist?
Teri: It’s a clubhouse for all of us in the HOA, not just the president.
Ralph: Well, we’re used to presidents being selfish and breaking rules. That’ll stop soon, though, I think.
Cindy: No politics!
Ralph: Who said anything about politics? I was mocking our dictator of an HOA president! Who did you think I was referring to?
Cindy: I’m not getting into this.
Teri: We can have Alysa ask her mom. Would Anita be such a monster as to say no to her own daughter?
Cindy: Yes.
Teri: That’s a fair point. But it’s worth a shot. And when we get the clubhouse, we’ll decorate it to the hilt with pictures to remind her of all the best times in her life.
Ralph: Like when I was born!
Teri: We’ll play music, we’ll play games, we’ll even listen to her stories.
Ralph: No thank you.
Teri: And we’ll invite all her friends and family!
Cindy: Would that include Carlene, or -
Teri: Do you think it will include Carlene?
Cindy: She’s family!
Ralph: Not in mom’s eyes!
Cindy: I think we need to believe in forgiveness.
Teri: Cindy, shut up!
Ralph: I think this all swell. I will gladly take credit for all that you plan for this bash.
Teri: Not so fast! Food ain’t cheap, we need you to cook for it!
Ralph: Oh, god. All right. But only because I know you’d be so whiny about it!
Teri: I’m gonna ask Jeanette if she has any old pictures from when they were kids. I know dad’s got pictures from after they got married. Mom is gonna love this!
Cindy: Do you need my help? It doesn’t sound like you really do.
Teri: Of course I’d like it, but I don’t need it.
Cindy: All right, that makes me happy. I will do the bare minimum, because those little brats at school exhaust me, and I need to rest when I get home.
Teri: Cool.
Meanwhile, at Betty’s store…
Betty: You know, I just can’t believe I’m two weeks away from turning eighty. It makes no sense! I feel so young, I feel so… alive.
Jerry: You are alive, so that’s true.
Karl: And you’re young at heart! Age is only a number!
Betty: It’s not, though, and I know it. So it’s jarring to know I’m this old. It’s snuck up on me!
Karl: You’re still the same Betty you’ve always been, age won’t change anything.
Betty: I guess you have a point. Plus, who doesn’t love a birthday? You get gifts just because you managed to avoid dying for an entire year! It’s great!
Karl: I’m sure you’ll get lots of gifts this year, too.
Jerry: Yep, I know Cindy’s picked something special out.
Betty: What is it?
Jerry: I’m not telling! Mostly because I don’t know. She never tells me these things. I think she doesn’t want me to know how much she spends, and she knows I never pay attention when the gifts are being opened, because I don’t care!
Betty: Well, that was quite blunt.
Jerry: I have no reason to lie. What are you gonna do, fire me?
Betty: I guess that’s a fair point.
Steven: I’ve been meaning to pick up more shifts! You could demote him!
Betty: That is very tempting!
Jerry: Oh no, less time with you… what will I do?
Betty: You can’t talk to me like that, my birthday’s two weeks away!
Jerry: Ah, yes. The famous rule.
A bit later, at the house…
Teri: Okay, guys. I got you all together for a very important mission!
Jeanette: Mission?
Karl: Is there any reason we had to do this in the basement? It’s cold down here. I would’ve brought my sweater if I knew we were having a full-on meeting here.
Alysa: I don’t mean to throw cold water on the “mission,” but I do have a daughter to be looking after.
Teri: Yeah, we all know. And this won’t take long at all. I just need you guys to help me out with planning mom’s 80th birthday party!
Karl: I don’t know if that’s something she’s going to want. She was already in such a fuss about turning eighty today. Maybe we just get a cake and give her gifts like normal.
Teri: Well, that would really break aunt Katarina’s heart.
Karl: Aunt Katarina?
Teri: Yeah, she’s coming up from Florida for this!
Alysa: Who’s aunt Katarina?
Tammi: Grandma’s aunt.
Alysa: Wait a minute. I remember you talking about her before. I never realized she was still with us.
Tammi: She’s 103.
Alysa: Oh my god.
Karl: How is she getting here?
Teri: Bonnie’s flying up with her.
Alysa: All right, who is Bonnie?
Jeanette: That’s Katarina’s daughter. Our cousin. Very nice woman, but unfortunately, you know…
Alysa: What?
Jeanette: Republican.
Alysa: Oh, I’m learning so much!
Teri: It’s a fascinating family tree you’ve gotten entwined with.
Alysa: It is, and I do love Betty, don’t get me wrong. I’m just confused on how, exactly, I’m of any help here.
Teri: You are going to help us secure the venue!
Alysa: What, you trying to book Madison Square Garden? I think they only rent it out for private events if they’re hosted by Taylor Swift.
Teri: No, even better: the HOA clubhouse!
Alysa: You might have an easier time booking Madison Square Garden!
Teri: If anyone can get your mom to agree to let us use it, it’s you!
Alysa: Yeah, I have a five percent chance instead of your… negative five.
Teri: I think she’ll do it for you.
Alysa: I guess it’s worth a try.
Tammi: What’s my contribution here?
Teri: I want you to design the decorations! You have a great creative mind! And speaking of the decorations, dad, Jeanette, I’d love it if you could find some old pictures of mom that I could use at the party. I think I’ll make a slideshow of moments in her life, and maybe make a few poster boards with all the pictures on them. I want it to be special, and to make it special, it should be a complete surprise.
Jeanette: I’ll look through my old albums.
Karl: It’ll be tough for me to do the same. Your mother guards them like Fort Knox.
Teri: I believe in you!
Karl: I’m glad to hear that!
Tammi: Is this going to be a surprise party? Or are we gonna tell her in advance? Because we know how she can get.
Karl: Again, I do have to say that your mom did say today that she didn’t really want a party this year.
Teri: Oh, come on! Every other day she wants to be the center of attention, now she’s shy?
Karl: I think it’s just the realization that she’s hitting such a milestone, it’s hard to come to terms with. Don’t worry, she still wants gifts!
Teri: This is my gift!
Alysa: Throwing a party is your gift? That’s lame!
Teri: You’re so mature in some ways. Then you’re like your mother in others.
Alysa: She did raise me, after all.
Teri: Which is so hard to believe, at least most of the time.
Tammi: We should just tell her we want to throw a party to celebrate her, and she’ll be so touched by the offer that she won’t make fuss about it.
Jeanette: My sister not making a fuss? We must know a different version of her. Making a fuss brings her joy!
Tammi: I think it’s worth a try.
Two weeks later…
Betty: I’m still not sure why you insisted on throwing this. I don’t need a whole party pointing out how old I am!
Teri: It’s a celebration! You’ve given so much to us, we want to give back to you! Plus, we had some special guests fly in, and I’d feel awful if I had to tell them to go home without enjoying a party!
Cindy: Plus, who doesn’t love a party?
Ralph: Especially if it’s not a Republican Party.
Cindy: Here we go again…
Rick: That was a good one, Ralph!
Ralph: See, Rick liked it.
Cindy: Good for Rick.
Katarina: My god, Betty! How the hell are ya?
Betty: Oh my god! What are you doing here?
Jill: It’s a big day, we had to come in and see ya!
Teri: You surprised?
Betty: I’m shocked!
Katarina: You came to see me for my big birthday! This might not be as big as turning 100, let’s be honest, I’m going to be long dead by the time you’re 100.
Betty: You don’t know that for sure!
Jill: We’re pretty confident.
Katarina: I’ll be honest, I want to be dead by then. I’m already decaying, I don’t want to know what I’d look like at 123!
Betty: You look wonderful!
Teri: I have never seen anyone your age have so much spirit and vigor.
Katarina: Be honest, honey: you’ve never seen anyone my age.
Teri: Well, that’s… do we count people I see on TV?
Katarina: No, Dick Van Dyke and The Queen Mother don’t count.
Teri: Okay, that drastically reduces my experience with seeing 100-year-olds, then. Still, you look amazing!
Mitchell: Did someone mention looking amazing?
Betty: Oh my goodness! It’s been too long!
Velma: You’re the only person to ever say that about him. Most people feel it’s not long enough.
Danielle: Still blissfully in love, I see.
Mitchell: She just doesn’t like to show it.
Velma: Yeah, that’s it.
Teri: You got a tan now! That’s new!
Velma: He practically lives at the beach. I love it, it means I only have to see him a few hours a day.
Mitchell: You come to the beach, too. Don’t act like I’m the only one.
Velma: We go to different beaches, to be clear.
Betty: And now you’re here, together, to celebrate me. I am so thankful!
Velma: We would never miss this! Ever! I was just glad to be invited!
Teri: What do you mean?
Velma: You never invite me to anything anymore!
Teri: You live in Florida! I’m not exactly going to text you and ask if you want to go see Digger with me.
Jeanette: Please don’t mention Florida around me. I miss it so.
Ralph: First time anyone has ever said that.
Danielle: My god, Digger, what an awful movie!
Teri: I liked it!
Mitchell: What the hell is Digger?
Teri: Ah, Mitchell! Clueless as ever!
Betty: How did you keep all this a secret from me?
Teri: The same way I managed to lock this venue down: with skill.
Alysa: I had nothing to do with you keeping this a secret.
Velma: Alysa! How’s the kiddo? I saw the pictures you sent, she’s just adorable!
Alysa: She’s great. It’s still surreal.
Betty: Not as surreal as me being eighty.
Jill: Yeah, she doesn’t look a day over seventy-eight!
Betty: Thank you, Jill.
Teri: So, I have a surprise.
Betty: Another one?
Teri: Now that everyone’s here, I wanted to show you a special slideshow I made of some of the special moments in your life.
Betty: Wow, you really thought of everything!
Teri: It’s a special birthday for a special mom. I had to make it… well, special.
Betty: You’re so thoughtful! Cindy, Ralph, you should be more like her!
Cindy: I thought you didn’t have a favorite.
Ralph: We make it pretty hard for her not to, to be fair.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
