Aimee is meeting with Greg and Geraldine in Greg’s office.
Aimee: So, guys, one week out! How are these elections looking?
Greg: How do you think?
Aimee: You guys know best! It’s why I’m asking you!
Geraldine: Do you want the good news or the bad news?
Aimee: Umm… the good?
Geraldine: We have a very solid chance at holding Alaska!
Aimee: That’s great! Liza deserves to stick around, she’s been an exemplary senator.
Geraldine: Oh, she’s not the favorite. We’ve just got, I’d say a 40% chance of winning there.
Aimee: That’s good news?
Greg: Compared to the rest…
Geraldine: Yeah, we’re going to have a very bad night, and it’s all right. It happens sometimes, it’s best to just be realistic about it. A bloodbath is coming, we can’t stop it.
Greg: Aimee, I do just have to ask… what exactly have you been doing with Aileen Frankel-Hartman in South Carolina? Her internal polls are just dreadful, her favorables are abysmal, no one likes her.
Aimee: Greg, let me ask you this... have you ever tried to polish a turd? You know what happens when you try? It just makes a mess. Doesn’t turn into a diamond, it just smears all over the place.
Greg: She can not be that bad!
Geraldine: Have you talked to her? She’s… dull.
Aimee: Dull? She’s slow!
Greg: That’s not very nice! They just talk a bit slower in the south, they aren’t so fast-paced and hurried. It’s part of their charm!
Aimee: I don’t mean physically slow! I mean she’s a few cards short of a full deck. She does not understand how to be a politician. Honestly, I don’t know if she understands how to spell her own name. I’ve never seen her spell it!
Greg: It can’t be that bad.
Aimee: You’ve interacted with her! Have you seen anything implying she’s fit to serve? She told me outright, she can’t remember the last time she’s voted. Her brother was a senator!
Greg: That just means you’ve been given the opportunity to sculpt a fresh face into the perfect politician!
Aimee: That’s not how it works, and do not act like this is a privilege that’s been bestowed upon me. This is a curse, I’m well aware of it.
Greg: No, this is what it means to be a top Republican in the Senate. Sometimes, you have to do unpleasant things to hold onto the seats you do have. That’s what a leader has to step up and do.
Aimee: I’m trying my hardest, trust me. It’s just not easy. Some people aren’t made for this.
Geraldine: She has a point, Greg. You can’t always mold someone into a skilled politician. Some people are just naturally awkward. You can’t put the polls fully on Aimee.
Greg: I’m definitely not. I just expected her to close the gap a bit. Alison Sharpe has a pretty comfortable lead.
Aimee: How much is she leading by?
Greg: The average is around four.
Aimee: That’s not that bad!
Geraldine: It’s South Carolina, Aimee!
Greg: Also, our own internal poll has Aileen down ten.
Aimee: Ten?
Greg: It’s not as apocalyptic as it seems, Sharpe’s only at forty-five percent.
Aimee: A Republican is polling at thirty-five in South Carolina?
Greg: Like we said, it’s going to be a bad year. We’ll survive it, we just have to worry about minimizing the damages.
Aimee: Just how many states are we on track to lose?
Greg: Alaska, Iowa, Kansas, Louisiana, Maine, Mississippi, Missouri, South Carolina, and Texas. Tennessee’s a nail biter.
Aimee: Tennessee?
Geraldine: That’s what happens when a nut beats a four-term incumbent and one of the best members of this conference. I’m still sick about it. I wouldn’t vote for her, either. I refuse to campaign on her behalf.
Greg: Gerry… united front!
Geraldine: I’m sorry, Quincy just deserved better. And the party failed him. We should’ve given him more money.
Aimee: Is South Carolina really one of the most salvageable seats on that list? Or could we just cut our losses and focus on Maine or Kansas or… did you say Mississippi?
Geraldine: Persephone almost lost two years ago. Crystal-Lynn is a worse candidate in an even tougher year. It’s going to be a tough task.
Aimee: All right, I’ll see what I can do.
Greg: One week’s all we go to turn things around. Work fast!
Geraldine: Ten days, actually! Plenty of time to close a gap of somewhere between four and ten points.
Later, in Aimee’s office…
Alec: How’s senate babysitting duty going?
Aimee: My protégé is on track to lose re-election. Is that good or bad? Who’s to say?
Lynette: She’s not exactly fit for office.
Gwen: If even Lynette can see that… whoa, Nellie.
Lynette: What does that mean?
Gwen: You’re simple.
Alec: At least she’s blunt and to the point.
Aimee: Greg and Gerry made a desperate plea to me to work to bail Aileen out. I can’t imagine how I could, but… we shall see.
Lynette: There were those rumors that you’re a witch. And it’s almost Halloween, that’s when your kind is at its strongest!
Aimee: What rumors?
Lynette: Nothing! I said nothing!
Gwen: This is why I called you “simple,” for what it’s worth.
Aimee: You know what I learned today that’s absolutely incredible?
Alec: We’re Republicans, so I can’t imagine it’s anything related to politics. Is Kimmy pregnant?
Aimee: God, that’d be awful! No, it is related to politics! Janie Emmer is on track to lose-election!
Gwen: Hallelujah!
Alec: Are we supposed to be rooting for the downfall of our own party?
Aimee: I’m an American before I’m a Republican. And no decent American should be cheering that monster on. If anyone on Capitol Hill is a witch, it’s her!
Denise: Aimee, you have a visitor.
Aimee: Who is the visitor?
Denise: I don’t think you need to know that. Think of how rude it would be to turn them away!
Aimee: Fine, let them in.
Denise: Senator Frankel-Hartman, Senator Ferrera Donahue will see you now.
Aileen: Thank you, dear! You know, you’re so polite.
Denise: Were you not expecting me to be?
Aileen: Most of my staff is my brother’s old staff, and I guess they just miss him so much, because they don’t seem very pleased with me. They talk behind my back, they crack jokes that I don’t fully understand. It is what it is. They know more than me!
Denise: Yeah. I’m sure they do.
Aimee: Senator, it’s nice to see you! How’s it going? You excited to get back on the campaign trail this weekend?
Aileen: Oh, I’m doing okay. Am I supposed to be campaigning this weekend? No one told me.
Aimee: The election is in ten days. From what I hear, it’s very close.
Aileen: No one’s really kept me up-to-date. I’ve really just been focused on voting the right way.
Aimee: Well, the Senate’s out of session until after the election, so I won’t be seeing you until after the vote. But you’re welcome to call with any concerns. Especially before you talk to the press, just so you know what you should be saying. Or before rallies. Please just stick to the basics about how you’re going to improve the lives of South Carolinians.
Aileen: And how am I going to do that?
Gwen: Oh, we’re so winning this seat.
Aileen: Thank you!
Gwen: I’m a Democrat, dear.
Aileen: Okay.
Gwen: And you are a Republican. We’re the two rival parties.
Aileen: I know that!
Gwen: It did not appear that you did.
Lynette: Well, I believe in you, Aileen.
Gwen: Didn’t you just say - ?
Lynette: Shh!
Aileen: It’s so weird being in the Senate. I’m still not used to it.
Alec: Oh, I know how you feel! And as an appointed senator, you really have imposter syndrome until you actually win the election. Even then, it’s tough.
Lynette: And we’re all so proud of Alec for somehow winning Illinois as a Republican in that special election.
Gwen: With 39% of the vote.
Alec: A win’s a win!
Aileen: Could I win with 39%? I think I can get there, the polls have me close.
Lynette: Only close? Oh my god.
Aimee: Well, uh, there’s no major third-party candidate running against you. So we’re gonna have to get it closer to fifty. Just get out there, you know, show everyone how likable and charismatic you are!
Lynette: Just think of how important we’ll all be when the Democrats only need us to break a presidential veto! That’s what’ll happen when South Carolina flips!
Alec: With candidates like these, we may, uh… we may be rendered obsolete.
Gwen: And that’ll be beautiful.
The next night…
Dave: God, isn’t it nice to just get a night to have some fun and not think about politics?
Aimee: Sort of? I’d rather if that night were spent at home and not at a crowded amusement park with a bunch of freaks wandering around.
Kimmy: That’s a nasty way to talk about mom.
Cherie: Leave me alone, Kimberly, I’m already displeased about being here, but I’m suffering for the sake of my grandchildren.
Kimmy: They’re like twelve and they’re handling this better than you. What a scaredy cat!
Cherie: I just don’t find random strangers jumping up and grabbing me to be entertainment.
Victoria: Back in our day, that’s just something you put up with at the bar trying to find a guy, not something you paid extra money to experience!
Ernesto: I find it funny! They’re not that scary. It’s comically lame, if you ask me.
Kimmy: Dad, stop pretending to be such a tough guy. I saw you run onto the ferris wheel to escape one of the killer clowns the last time we were here.
Ernesto: That’s a lie! I would never! Clowns aren’t even scary!
Cherie: Are we sure that this is actually even appropriate for Eddie? He’s nine years old!
Aimee: He’s fine, mom. He’s the one that begged us to bring him here.
Cherie: That’s terrifying to me.
Kimmy: He’s always been an abnormal child. I like that.
Aimee’s phone rings.
Aimee: I gotta take that.
Kimmy: What could be more important than family bonding?
Aimee: I gotta make sure Aileen Frankel doesn’t blast her campaign for Senate in the head with a shotgun.
Cherie: What a morbid way to put it.
Ernesto: We’re in a very morbid place.
Cherie: Don’t remind me. This is just distasteful.
Veronica: I don’t think you need to do anything to help her. She’s very wise and -
Aimee: I know what you’re doing. You want her to lose. I sort of do, too, but I can’t let it be known. I’ll be back.
Aimee steps away and answers the call.
Aileen: Aimee, I need help!
Aimee: I know.
Aileen: What’s the name of the country we’re at war with?
Aimee: Oh my god, you don’t know that?
Aileen: I think I referenced the “war in Azerbaijan” in the interview I just did.
Aimee: You know what? I’m proud that you know Azerbaijan is a country. You may have started an international conflict, you may even get Charleston bombed. But you named a country a lot of people haven’t heard of, so voters might actually be impressed by that. Maybe don’t watch SNL tonight, though.
Aileen: Why would I ever watch that? It’s communist propaganda.
Aimee: Yes, I agree, I much prefer A Little Sketchy.
Aileen: That’s even more far-left!
Aimee: Why are you talking like this? You’ve never shown any signs of being a culture warrior before!
Aileen: I was on X.
Aimee: It’s Twitter, and get off of there! My god.
Aileen: So I shouldn’t mention the great replacement theory?
Aimee: Ahhh! Get off of me! Can’t you see I’m on the phone?
Aileen: I can’t see you, but I do hear you. And I know you’re on the phone, I’m the one that called ya!
Aimee: I’m sorry, I’m at an amusement park. Some guy dressed up as a… I don’t even know what just tried to scare me. It worked. Not as much as you mentioning racist conspiracy theories scared me, but still.
Aileen: So that’s a no?
Aimee: Well, it is South Carolina… but as a sensible, sane individual, I can not give you the green light to spew such nonsense.
Aileen: I guess I should let you enjoy the amusement park. One last question, though!
Aimee: South Carolina. You’re the senator for South Carolina.
Aileen: No, not that!
Aimee: You did forget once.
Aileen: I was really tired!
Aimee: Not as tired as I am. What’s the question?
Aileen: Did you know the election is only nine days away? No one told me that!
Aimee: Good luck, Aileen. You’re gonna kill it!
Man: Did someone say kill?
Aimee: Away, beast! Not in the mood!
Dave: You look cheerful, honey.
Kimmy: Didn’t go well?
Aimee: She’s really dumb. We’re gonna lose.
Victoria: Yay!
Cherie: I think I’m gonna go on the roller coaster. These creeps won’t leave me alone.
Victoria: You sure? When’s the last time you went on a roller coaster?
Cherie: I’m not a square, Victoria.
Kimmy: Yeah, she has fun! She went on Splash Mountain when we went to Disney… twenty years ago.
Ernesto: And she hated every second of it!
Cherie: I’m sure I can’t possibly hate this any more than being out here with these monsters.
Victoria: Are you actually scared?
Cherie: No! Just a little.
Kimmy: Aww, that’s adorable.
Eddie: Mommy! I want to go home! I don’t like it here!
Aimee: Eddie, where were you?
Eddie: I was walking to the carousel, and someone jumped up and scared me! I don’t like it here!
Aimee: Why were you walking alone?
Eddie: Aunt Kimmy said I could!
Aimee: And where is Angelica?
Angelica: Right here, mom!
Dave: How did you get a sword?
Aimee: We’ll deal with that later. Eddie, who scared you? Point him out, I’m gonna have a word with them.
Kimmy: Oh no, this is going to be so embarrassing.
Aimee: They can’t go targeting little kids who clearly aren’t having fun.
Cherie: Or elderly, distinguished women!
Aimee: I’ll just respectfully tell them to knock it off. That’s all.
Later that night…
Kimmy: I can’t believe Aimee got us kicked out.
Ernesto: Hey, at least her playing the Senate card got us un-banned!
Kimmy: We’re still banned at all Halloween Haunt events.
Cherie: Thank god!
Victoria: What a wimp.
Cherie: I just don’t find anything fun about being scared. Halloween should be fun, like Beetlejuice, or the Addams Family. Not about murder and terror.
Aimee: I stand by what I did.
Dave: I think you’re alone on that, honey.
Aimee: Oh god, Aileen’s calling again.
Kimmy: That’s scarier than anything we saw in the park.
Aimee: I hate this time of year.
What did you think of this episode of Evergreen Aimee? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
