Sam: Diane, come on!
Diane: Why are you rushing me?
Sam: I’m not rushing you! If I were rushing you, I’d have started hollering for you to get out of the room a half-hour ago. I’m just trying to not be late to check out!
Diane: They’re not going to fine us for being five minutes late. And even if they do, the network pays.
Sam: We also have a flight to catch.
Diane: A private flight. Why are you being so high-strung today? That’s my thing!
Sam: Because I want to get to New Orleans!
Diane: Ah, that explains it. You’re just desperate to drink and party!
Nicolle: She’s not generally a huge drinker.
Diane: Is that what she tells you?
Sam: This is not helping us get checked out!
Diane: I’m just saying, Sam can put it away.
Sam: Diane! You’re the one here that drinks too much!
Diane: I do not!
Sam: You drank to the point of liver failure.
Diane: That was cancer and you know it!
Sam: Oh, jeez. I forgot about that. Low blow, sorry.
Diane: My gosh, I finally won an argument!
Sam: Let’s celebrate by getting out of this hotel room and getting in the plane!
Diane: All right, I guess it’s time. This was a nice room.
Sam: Other than it being in Dallas, yeah.
Diane: Dallas is nice!
Sam: Being in the same city as the Cowboys for a week made me feel genuinely ill.
A bit later, on the plane…
Frances: Where are we off to next, again?
Leslie: New Orleans! How could you forget New Orleans?
Sam: To be fair, I think a lot of people forget New Orleans. Particularly when they wake up, in New Orleans, after a long night of partying in New Orleans.
Jacqueline: That’s not happening for you guys. Not only do you start a long filming day tomorrow, we also have a surprise for you!
Sam: That has never meant anything positive in my ten years working at this network.
Garry: I love a surprise! Especially a New Orleans surprise.
Sam: I don’t know, when I think “New Orleans surprise,” I still think of Katrina.
Jacqueline: The distinguished mayor of New Orleans, whose mother has appeared on the show, is a big fan, and she wants to meet you all. So she’ll be stopping by the set tomorrow.
Sam: What’s the catch?
Jacqueline: No catch! Just a meeting with a fan! She was almost your president, you know!
Sam: Don’t say “your president,” as if lesbians get a separate president.
Diane: And if we did, it would obviously be Ellen.
Sam: I know you’re trying to help, dear. Please don’t.
Diane: Who is it, then? Still Obama?
Sam: What?
Diane: You guys loved him.
Nicolle: I do love him.
Diane: See!
Jacqueline: I meant you yanks! I’m not a citizen!
Sam: Does that mean if I reported you to ICE, you would -
Frances: Don’t even make jokes about ICE. This conversation leaks, we’re all pushed out of the entertainment industry forever, and I just paid for some very expensive home repairs.
Diane: Like Donna Kelce?
Frances: My god, the absolute last thing we need is to get the Taylor Swift fans mad at us, too.
Melanie: Why do you think this conversation’s going to leak?
Frances: Do you trust Jacqueline? I don’t!
Sam: I don’t ever want to defend her, as I think she’s a servant of Satan, but I don’t think she would purposely put her job at risk just for fun.
Jacqueline: Thank you! Sort of.
Sam: You’re not welcome.
Garry: Are we planning to go out partying tonight?
Sam: Did Garry just ask if we’re going to “party?” Sweater vest Garry?
Garry: I don’t always wear sweater vests!
Sam: Yes, correct. Sometimes you just wear plain old sweaters. Like right now. We’re going to New Orleans, bro. It’s July!
Diane: Garry parties! He especially loves to do karaoke when he parties, remember?
Frances: I don’t. I don’t think that happened. Please let me live that down.
Diane: No.
Carly: Live what down?
Garry: Nothing, dear. Maybe we just skip the karaoke bars, though.
Sam: I don’t want to go out partying with you, Garry.
Nicolle: We’re in New Orleans, I want to party!
Sam: But not with him, surely.
Nicolle: I’ll party with Garry.
Sam: I don’t know if this marriage is working.
Nicolle: I often think that, but I have the decency not to say it aloud.
Jacqueline: I don’t think anyone needs to be partying the night before they meet the mayor.
Sam: Well, if she’s telling us we can’t go, then we’re going. I’m not getting bossed around by a snobby Brit, we fought a war over that.
Garry: Thank you, Jacqueline.
Jacqueline: I think that’s the first time any of you have said anything of the sort.
Charlotte: I wouldn’t get used to it if I were you.
Later, at their hotel…
Leslie: So, is the plan still to go out for some drinks?
Garry: Yes! We’re staying in the French Quarter, we might as well enjoy it!
Diane: I’m still shocked you’re the one dragging us out to the bars. You’re one of the few semi-responsible people here.
Leslie: Along with me, I assume?
Diane: I was referring to Melanie.
Melanie: Thank you, I needed that.
Frances: I think going out to Bourbon Street is a great idea! There’ll be so many people that Charlotte can tell she’s an Oscar winner!
Charlotte: I think you guys bring it up more than me at this point.
Frances: Not without reason.
Leslie: Let’s just be responsible about this, okay? We film tomorrow, we are meeting the mayor tomorrow, and we are famous, so we don’t want to act up and find ourselves on the internet because we were acting up.
Sam: “We” are famous?
Leslie: I get fan mail!
Sam: I get so much, I pay someone to respond to it for me. I bet you don’t!
Diane: Sam, that’s terrible! I sign my own fan mail, because I appreciate my fans.
Frances: I just return all of mine to sender so they don’t get their hopes up. I don’t have the time for that!
Charlotte: Yeah, you’re very busy… making cake.
Frances: Be quiet, Oscar.
Later that night…
Diane: It’s too late to be out.
Sam: It’s ten o’clock.
Diane: We work tomorrow! Are you sure we can’t do this another night?
Garry: We won’t be out long! It’s gonna be fine!
Frances: Yeah, my body’s already prepared for a Hurricane from Pat O’Brien’s, and I am getting one. Trust and believe that.
Charlotte: What’s this “hurricane?”
Frances: Rum and fruit juices. It tastes like heaven, until you puke it back up.
Charlotte: We could try not drinking so much that we puke.
Frances: What’s the point, then? This is the only city on earth where it’s considered rude to not get blackout drunk when you go for a night on the town!
Melanie: I don’t think that’s true.
Frances: Oh, right. Forgot about Vegas.
Diane: How could Frances of all people forget about Vegas?
Frances: Don’t even! I don’t mention your husband driving off the bridge, do I?
Diane: You did just now!
Nicolle: My god, they’re acting like this before we’ve even walked into the bar.
Sam: It’s beautiful, isn’t it?
Garry: I d-
Sam: And there Garry goes, ruining it.
Leslie: Let’s just go in a bar, get a drink or two, and get back to the room at a respectable time. No crazy shenanigans.
Diane: I want a grasshopper, where do we get one of those? I know it was invented here!
Sam: Anywhere? It’s a grasshopper.
Diane: That’s what I’ll get, then. That’s a classy way to get drunk.
Frances: Let me assure you, there’s nothing classy about Bourbon Street. Not during the day, not at night, not in any bar. So don’t worry about it.
Diane: We’re not on Bourbon Street yet.
Frances: We’re slowly making our way there, and it’s going to be glorious.
Melanie: I just can’t allow myself to do anything I’d be ashamed for my daughter to see.
Sam: That’s a good rule. Rules usually go out the window in New Orleans, but it’s still nice to have a plan in mind.
Leslie: Guys, seriously, no getting crazy tonight. We have a public image to uphold.
Frances: Don’t be such a Debbie Downer.
Twenty minutes later…
Charlotte: I can’t believe Frances made us wait at the bar for twenty minutes so she could get her special drink that nobody else wanted.
Frances: It’s my New Orleans go-to!
Sam: I didn’t realize you were such an expert on the city.
Frances: I’m a chef, this place is a culinary dream. I think we all make the pilgrimage here. This city is to chefs what Mecca is to Muslims.
Sam: You’re gonna be our guide this week, then.
Frances: That was always the plan!
Garry: This bar looks fine, let’s just go in here.
Leslie: Anything to hurry this up!
Sam: Why are you trying to hurry our fun along?
Leslie: We’re here for work, not for a vacation. We have to be professional.
Sam: I don’t think getting a few drinks and partying will impede my ability to eat donuts on TV tomorrow.
Leslie: They’re called beignets!
Sam: I wasn’t being specific, I was mocking you.
Leslie: Of course you were, that’s all you do!
Diane: Oh my god.
Sam: What, are they playing an Olivia Rodrigo song?
Diane: No, but I should recommend that they do. The new album is incredible!
Sam: Then what are you oh-my-godding?
Diane: That’s Annie Carter.
Garry: Old coworker of yours or -
Diane: The basketball player! I totally forgot, it’s WBL all-star weekend!
Sam: All right, I’m just gonna slide over there and introduce mysel-
Leslie: Don’t make a scene! I’m sure she’s just -
Annie: Oh my god, Bake Your Heart Out is my favorite show!
Aubrey Billings: Babe, are you bothering these nice people?
Debra Andreesi: I’m a boomer, so I can tell you that they’re the stars of the #1 cooking show on TV. Whitney loves it! I… can not confirm nor deny whether I do.
Diane: Oh no, she hates us!
Annie: No, she’s just trying to seem cool! We text about it!
Debra: Don’t tell anyone that!
Diane: Ladies, I am such a fan of yours. Annie, uh, Miss Carter -
Annie: Annie. Please, just call me Annie.
Diane: I have your Cougars jersey!
Debra: And not mine?
Aubrey: Debra, don’t scare them off.
Debra: I’m sure the nice TV people can handle some gentle ribbing.
Charlotte: I’m not just a TV person -
Frances: She has an Oscar!
Garry: I’m Garry.
Annie: Of course you are!
Sam: Ha, even the famous basketball player can’t pretend to care about Garry!
Annie: No, he’s great! How about a picture with all of us? Ma’am, could you take it for us?
Carly: I’m actually a star in my own right. I’m Mrs. Garry Mollen, Off-Off-Broadway star.
Annie: Yeah, I’ve heard of you!
Aubrey: Honey, we’re not nearly gay enough to have heard of her.
Annie: Wait a minute… I didn’t know you two are together! That’s so sweet!
Debra: Yeah, it sure is! Just a couple of cuties, aren’t they?
Sam: As an elder lesbian… welcome to the community, ladies.
Aubrey: She’s drunk already, I’m sorry.
Frances: So am I!
Debra: Want to get more drunk?
Frances: Sounds good to me!
Leslie: No one is getting more drunk! We are being responsible!
Debra: Who brought their mom?
Diane: She’s our producer.
Debra: God, even worse than bringing your mom!
Later that night…
Debra (singing): I found your picture today!
Frances (singing): I swear I’ll change my ways!
Both: I just called to say I want you, to come back home…
Gwen Gardenia: Shut up! We don’t want to hear any hillbilly music!
Aimee Ferrera Donahue: Gwen, shush. We’re in public.
Diane: You two look familiar. Are you fam- you’re US Senators! I donated to you!
Gwen: Which one? Me?
Diane: Of course, I would never donate to a Republican!
Aimee: That stings a little. We’ve met, I was on Celebrity Bake Your Heart Out. Remember?
Diane: Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed.
Garry: Diane, who are you talking t-
Aimee: Did I just get puked on by one of the judges from TV’s Bake Your Heart Out?
Gwen: It could be worse. I just realized I was heckling a WBL All-Star while we’re in town for the WBL All-Star game.
Nicolle: Guys, I think we should go -
Leslie: No! I’m catching up with my new friends!
Annie: I think, uh… I don’t think your producer is totally straight.
Charlotte: What was she doing? I was enjoying the performance?
Annie: Uh, she was hitting on Ginny Wright. She’s just lucky Ginny’s engaged and not a total floozy.
Ginny: Thank you, Annie! Appreciate it, and so does Mireille.
Leslie: Nicolle, I don’t feel so good.
Nicolle: We’re gonna get you home, okay? Sam! Help me carry her!
Sam: Is she not the one that said we’re not allowed to drink?
Nicolle: That’s neither here nor there. She is incapable of walking at this stage. She might be suffering from alcohol poisoning.
Sam: She had like two shots!
Nicolle: I don’t think she’s used to drinking. At all.
Diane: She’s not.
Gwen: I’ll call my driver! He’ll be here in a flash!
Diane: He can pull up on Bourbon Street?
Gwen: I’m a senator, they let us get away with anything!
The next morning, at Café Du Monde…
Diane: Are you guys sure you don’t want a beignet? It’s tradition! And we haven’t had breakfast!
Frances: I don’t think I can eat breakfast. Stomach still isn’t right.
Sam: We’re gonna have beignets later, I don’t want to overdo it. I could use a nice egg McMuffin, though.
Frances: I don’t think they sell those here.
Sam: They should! Missed opportunity!
Charlotte: I saw so many boobs last night. Boobs I never wanted to see. Starting with Garry’s.
Garry: I only took my shirt off because it had vomit on it!
Charlotte: You didn’t have to aggressively dance in my face afterwards.
Diane: Last night was -
Jacqueline: What on earth happened last night?
Leslie: Don’t scream so loud! We’re in public!
Jacqueline: I spoke at an entirely normal volume.
Leslie: My ears hurt!
Diane: We’re getting you coffee, Leslie. We’re all in need of it.
Sam: Café au lait, to be exact! The coffee of kings!
Garry: Did I puke on someone last night?
Jacqueline: A US Senator.
Sam: One who kindly offered us a ride home, might I add!
Jacqueline: This is a disaster. There are videos of this all over the internet.
Sam: Look, you should just be happy that we’re somehow all able to stand and be here this early in the morning.
Jacqueline: And Frances… a Kid Rock song? Really?
Frances: Look, it’s my go-to drunk song. He wasn’t always crazy! And I like the Sheryl Crow part best, anyway!
Jacqueline: You’re getting canceled for it.
Frances: Fine by me. Twitter ain’t real life.
Jacqueline: No, but plenty of people saw you all embarrass yourselves. It’ll stick with you.
Sam: That’s just free hype for the new season! We are marketing geniuses!
Jacqueline: Just… sober up in time to meet the mayor.
Leslie: Oh god, I forgot about her!
Debra: Hey, girls, it’s our new friends!
Leslie: Oh god, we gotta hide from them, they’re gonna try to drag us out drinking again!
Annie: No we aren’t! I promise, we’re not alcoholics.
Aubrey: No, but they might be. Let’s let them sober up and not bother them too much.
Diane: Same place tonight?
Annie: Wow, you guys are wilder than I thought.
Debra: We’re heading home tonight. Last night was our last hurrah.
Diane: Aww.
Debra: Come catch a game some time! We’ll hook you up with courtside tickets, we can go out partying after the game. And you can meet the whole team, not just those of us who are the cream of the crop.
Diane: That sounds great!
Sam: Almost as great as a café au lait sounds. Hurry it up!
Later that morning…
Jacqueline: Mayor Landfield, we are so sorry for being late. Some of us weren’t feeling so well this morning.
Marietta: Let me guess… Bourbon Street?
Diane: How’d you know?
Marietta: I can still see the look of regret in all of your eyes.
Frances: I have zero regrets. I -
Diane: Wait a second… where’s Melanie?
Charlotte: I haven’t seen her since we were at the club last night.
Marietta: Don’t worry about her, she’s having the time of her life.
Charlotte: How do you know?
Marietta: I just get the sense that she’s enjoying all that Bourbon Street has to offer.
Melanie: Hey guys! Why are you all looking at me like that? Am I not allowed to run to the bathroom?
Diane: We thought we left you behind at the bar last night.
Sam: And we were surely on our way to go find you, and certainly weren’t about to proceed with our meeting with the mayor and then film for six to eight hours.
Melanie: No, I left that bar after my first drink. I could sense things were taking a wrong turn when Diane took her cardigan off and Frances started talking into her high heel like it was a cell phone.
Marietta: What can I say? We’re a magical city.
What did you think of this week's episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode on Thursday!
